The right things isn't just the hard thing

[Nope]

... .It's the thing that I'm finding is just going to keep me miserable.

The SD 14 and SS12 (almost 13) are with uBPDm right now for Spring Break. We just found out definitely that we are gearing up for another round of court because, despite the fact that she has none of the professionals on her side, the teenagers are willing to tell the judge their mom should get them all summer.

Right now she only gets summer visitation at all by agreement of the parties. The counselors are concerned about the negative impact on the kids from too much sustained time with uBPDm because of alienation and how quickly and easily the kids slip back into old unhealthy patterns despite living with us almost exclusively for nearly three years. (They did grow up primarily in her care before that though.)

So, now we go to court where we will literally be fighting against the kid's that live with us. The kids that I do everything for. DH had to take a pay cut at work so I'm making the payments for their braces. I'm the one shuttling them to all their appointments and activities and making sure needs get met. It's all pretty exhausting, but par for the course for many full time step moms.

But what I have come to accept as my role becomes impossible when I have to fight against the kid's I'm trying so hard to help. A huge part of me wants to say, "fine, go to your mom's all summer and when you come back acting like jerks and talking about wanting to live with her don't ask me for anything." It's so hard because I do love them but they aren't my kids. It'd be so much easier to just send them back to her, pay the child support, and shrug it off when she doesn't meet their needs and she ruins their lives with her selfishness.

I'm just particularly angry because I was starting to set money aside for all of us to go on a really amazing vacation next year and it's going to be impossible to afford with more court costs. I want to stick it in the kid's faces that they are the ones causing this. I'm so sick of dealing with all of this all of the time. I just want to be happy and it's literally these kids that stand in the way of me being happy. Which, again, I could live with for the sake of doing the right thing if they at least weren't completey ungrateful and working against me.

[sanemom]

I totally get where you are coming from... .it is so hard to spend all this money on them for life, and they have NO CLUE how much we spend on court costs defending them.  They will get it... .eventually... .but it is going to be at least 10 years.  We have given up many vacations, they didn't get cars, etc. all because we spent so much time and emotional energy in court fighting for the most basic things.

They have to ask to live with their mom--she requires it of them for her to love them.  It is an impossible choice.  It is hard, but try to realize they have nothing to do with this.  When DSS asks for money for something, it is hard not to remember how much we spent fighting FALSE allegations that THEY reported... .they had to... .it was required of them.   They truly felt like they would lose their mom if they didn't throw us under the bus.  It is totally no-win for these kids.

Your kids are teens... .soon the money-vacuum will stop being as demanding, and you will get to CHOOSE what you spend it on for them. 

Sad to say, but just plan on the next several years being a money-suck no matter what, and if one year you get a break from it, consider it a gift. 

I know... .that totally doesn't sound encouraging, but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and  you are closer now than you were before, I promise.

[Thunderstruck]

I honestly try to ignore the money part. I get so disheartened when I think of all that we've spent just to get where we are now (and how much more we'd need to spend to finish this). This is money that I would rather have spent on a nice college education for SD and my bio kids. Or maybe spent it on a boat! Not putting into our L's and CE's pocket. It's not fair that dysfunction can run so rampant in court and cost the ones trying to do the right thing SOO much money.

Well, all the kids are seeing is greener grass on the other side of the fence. BPDmom can keep a mask on for short times and Disneyland them. They think how nice it is and how normal mom seems so why can't they spend more time with her. I think if they made it to two weeks they would be ready to come back home.

I know parenting truly is a thankless job, but step-parenting is even more so!

[Nope]

Thanks Sanemom & Thunderstruck. I tell people uBPDm doesn't have kids, she births little hostages. Even with nearly total physical custody it's impossible to stop her from wrecking emotional and financial havoc on the entire family.

She doesn't even Disneyland them. She basically ignores them and makes it their responsibility to be proactive if they want a relationship with her. And she's their mom, so of course they do. But they have also completey convinced themselves that things will be different and she is more stable now. At least SS12 has. SD14 has a different relationship with her mom where she is expected to be the caretaker and even though she wants to see more of her mom she has had the space to really have her own life with us and wouldn't be quite so quick to give that up.

Ugh. Seven more years until SS graduates high school.