Trying to figure it out

[GD39]

Hi Guys.

I met this girl, and we clicked. Almost immediately I could see that something was wrong. We are currently in a long distance relationship. I drive four hours to see her. We get together every weekend, and every week she breaks the relationship. I was familiar with BPD, and suspected that might be the problem. Recently she told me of a life goal, and I suggested that she might need help accomplishing it, and that we could definitely use some tools to communicate better. Well, just hours before the appointment things went bad in a moment notice. After we both parted ways a few minutes later she was texting. I came back, had a great time, but the thought of going back to the psychologist was off the table. Fast forward another 24 hours and after having great and bad times here she broke it off again. From not wanting to hear from me again she responds to texts every day. They are a bit aloof, but some ray of hope is there. I dont want to break it up and would like for us to get help. I made an appointment for myself regardless. I have bought several books and been reading for the last couple of weeks, and applying some of the principals. I yet respond to some of her attacks, but I am trying to steer through the minefield to the best of my ability. My appointment is not until two weeks from now, and since she is sort of communicating in a limited basis, I am trying to not mess it up. I can use all and any suggestions. I am sure hoping that we end up being one of the success stories. I will be moving to her area in a month's time. I hope we make it until then, because it appears that while we are physically together things are manageable. A few days back, when I was so evil, I told her that what I was going to do was to send her a text in the morning saying good morning, and one in the evening to say goodnight. That was going to be my way of letting her know that I was not letting go. Through the week, the communication has been longer. She is responding more. I was wondering if this was a right approach, and what I was reading as she opening is true. However, one of her contacts were an attempt from her for me to purchase a refrigerator for her. I just said it was beautiful, offered suggestions, and that was the end of that conversation. I asked if that was to be our first purchase for the house, since we were planning on living together, but she discarded that. She has gone from deciding to living with me to leaving me twice in a week.

Today, out of the blues, she sent me this text, and it gave me tons of hope since the way I read it was, "She is aware. All needs to happen is finding the right way of moving this along." What you guys think?

Here is the text:

I am a person that I do not even understand myself. I love so many people that I do not know how to prove it. I would like to have the education to show it to everybody. But, I also believe that few people value that; friendship, love, loyalty, dedication, etc. Many people do not have it, but we all need it. Then, we can't question the world.

Any suggestions? Should I answer? I did stated that I thought I could understand how she could relate to those words, and wrote about something that happened to me that day. Sort of validating, and moving on, because I didnt know what to do. Yesterday, she did a favor for me, that it was unusual, and I believe there is some connection. I figured that I could address it as that she showed me love with that gesture, but again, I have read so much in the last few days that I want to do something in accordance to the new techniques. I do love her, I know is going to be a rough ride, but I believe is worth it if I can get us the help necessary to make this a successful relationship.

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[Mutt]

Hi GD39, 



I'd like welcome you to the family. A pwBPD want you to be close but that closeness ( intimacy) triggers their fear of losing their identity in the r/s, the fear of engulfment. A pwBPD will push you away and that distance then triggers the fear of abandonment, it's this push / pull behavior that feels like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner. From your post, you're pretty familiar with it, you're on the right track with reading about BPD because the push / pull behavior is a hallmark of the disorder and it's something that your partner is going through, it's not personal to you.

I wanted to explain something that I read often from other members and i've been guilty of this in the past.

My appointment is not until two weeks from now, and since she is sort of communicating in a limited basis, I am trying to not mess it up.

You described it very well when you said minefield or walking on eggshells, you can find the lessons on the right side of the board, those tools combined with the tools that you've learned are tools that can you use in this r/s and not just romantic ones, you can use it with friends and family. All we can do is use the tools and the tools aren't bullet proof, sometimes they don't work, at least you tried and they'll work the next time or maybe the time after that, just stick with it, don't let it disappoint you and try not to walk on eggshells. But that's easier said than done, just remind yourself.

Here is the text:

I am a person that I do not even understand myself. I love so many people that I do not know how to prove it. I would like to have the education to show it to everybody. But, I also believe that few people value that; friendship, love, loyalty, dedication, etc. Many people do not have it, but we all need it. Then, we can't question the world.

Now what I read from this text may be different from other members but I get the impression that she's being honest with you, if you read between the lines she's telling you that she doesn't know herself but she cares about people in her life, it's difficult to display to people that their special when there's a lot of inner turmoil and chaos. If you read the books and are familiar with the behaviors, try putting yourself in a pwBPD's shoes with everything that is going on inside, now try to put yourself in someone else's shoes, a pwBPD don't lack empathy it's difficult to think about others when your flooded with your emotions, those emotions are turned up two thousand fold compared to the non.

It sounds like she's also trying to say that she wishes that she had the r/s tools to be able to convey or maybe even reciprocate in the r/s with people that are special to her, a select few. You don't have to respond to everything, look for what is valid in her text and validate that, don't validate the invalid. You might see it differently and other members may too but what I see as valid is the that select few, people that she cares about in her inner circle. I'd say something like Am I one those special people to you that values what you admire?. I hope that helps.

[GD39]

Thanks for the welcoming words and insight. What does pw stand in the following "pwBPD?' 

On the push-pull, is there anything we can do to ease it or minimize the time away? She recently told me something that was all about this, something on the nature that she could do things by herself, without my help.

Thanks for the encouragement and direction on the tools on the right side of the board. I will take time to read them during the weekend.

"All we can do is use the tools and the tools aren't bullet proof, sometimes they don't work, at least you tried and they'll work the next time or maybe the time after that, just stick with it, don't let it disappoint you and try not to walk on eggshells."

Could you further explain the previous statement? Are you saying to keep consistency? That sooner or later they most likely will work? I am asking because at this point I am of double mind. As I said, we see each other every weekend. This will be the first one we will not. She is reading my texts, but barely answers, or if she does is a left field kind of thing. Nothing to do with what I am bringing to the table. It appears she will let for us to skip this weekend, and I dont know if I should not contact her for the weekend (since that would be the time we wouldn't be doing phone anyway), or just keep on texting morning and evening as promised. I see the value on both approaches, but not sure which one is the most appropriate addressing the BPD mind. The former might make her miss me, on the other hand, it might trigger the abandonment. The latter, might give her more confidence and prolong the silence. It seems like almost everything is a catch 22. I sometimes believe I might not have the emotional strength after all. I guess that is somewhat being in her shoes, confusion, paralysis, fear.

As per your insight on her text, I did respond that as far as I was concerned she showed me love by doing the favor I asked for. She is flaky as they come, and for her to actually take the time to complete that I know it took a lot of her resources. I did added your suggestion, she read it, but so far, no response. I suggested for us to go away, and again, no reply. Previously I told her for us to go somewhere and her reply was, "I don't know what to do. What do you think?" I told her I wanted to do it, and then she said she wanted to. Honestly, the silence is being extremely unnerving. I don't know if to back off, or to keep on doing what I am doing. Honestly, this is a weekend in which, even though I hate to admit it, I feel needy. It has been quite a difficult week, and it would be great to be around her and put things aside for awhile. I have been even considering to show up at her place and see how it goes. It might make her happy or mad. That is the Russian Roulette of this condition. Isnt it?

In closure, yes, your input was helpful. Hope I can impose on you guys one more time with the new thoughts that came about this interaction.

Regards