Should i wish her Happy Birthday?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex has a birthday coming and i am wondering should i send her my greetings? I think i already know her answer. It would be laconic "thank you" and it may come even after few days. I wonder should i even congratulate her? She didnt wish me anything when i had my birthday. I am afraid her reaction or lack of reaction may do some harm for me and anyway, should i even care she has a birthday?

[happendtome]

My ex has a birthday coming and i am wondering should i send her my greetings? I think i already know her answer. It would be laconic "thank you" and it may come even after few days. I wonder should i even congratulate her? She didnt wish me anything when i had my birthday. I am afraid her reaction or lack of reaction may do some harm for me and anyway, should i even care she has a birthday?

[Turkish]

What feeling do you think you are getting out of wishing her this?

[happendtome]

I dont know, i know that its over, but i dont want her to think that im so cold towards her. I have been very strict and thats what i have been all of my life. If someone cheats me or behaves badly (not talking about small things) i have always cut those people out from life. So, quite many people seem to think that i dont care anything or anyone what is not true. Im very loyal and will help people around me, but if someone plays games with me then i dont forget that. That kind of life has made my life more succesful, but then again, sometimes i feel i have nothing. And now i feel that after that relationship i have become even more "rational", even more boundaries to everyone. And just recently i found myself thinking that those few girls i have dated after my ex, i have been questioning myself are they also borderlines, which is nonsense. My ex also said that noone wouldnt date me without motives. Of course that became after i questioned my replacements motives. But then again, i dont have any success stories from my past relationships either.

[pgri8684]

I Hate birthday  

how does she behave towards you? Does she usually act in a friendly way or is she cold and distant? Does she contact you only when she needs something?
Is it for her just a matter of ego and pride + the possibility to know you're still there at her disposal?
Is it for you more than a question of FOG?
Could the situation evolve to a more positive way for YOU (genuine friendship)?

Sorry for being so rude but I'm in the same situation: the questions are for myself too

pgri

[happendtome]

Thats the problem that i dont know She wasnt so extreme like some people have experiences with their ex-s here. She looks very innocent and pure, but mentally she pushed my limits always and there were red flags from the start.
She always said im not there for her, no matter how i tried.

But now, i think i could say that she has been warm and friendly (if i dont speak that it looks like she doesnt seem to remember me). She has contacted me sometimes (not anymore) when she has needed something, but maybe she has just wanted to have contact with me. Maybe she felt subconsciously that she hasnt been fair with me? I really dont know.
 
She has sued quite many people around her, threatening them and so on. Yet, all her family and colleagues think that she is the victim. Sometimes i think when it will be my turn, when will i get sued. It could be any reason, even smallest will do.

[marti644]

happenedtome,

This is a hard one, I share your sentiment about morals and loyalty and ethics. My uBPDex discarded me a week before her birthday suddenly, and put on a good show of proving that she didn't need me. I was heartbroken and shocked of course, but decided to wish her a happy birthday anyways because I am (I think) a good person. I didn't want to be recycled and the conversation itself was horrible, her pretending she was having a big party (I knew she was just at home), her with a replacement  (not sure).

But it didn't matter. What wishing her a happy birthday did for me was validate that I was a good, loyal, and responsible person. This validated my values and morals. I didn't do it for her.

Something better happened out of it to for me. After she yelled at me on the phone for ruining her birthday and hung up she quickly texted me that she would like to end things properly the next day, which I agreed to (I had been asking her for a week for this, I like closure).

We met and I had a very strange conversation with her, although if I had known about BPD it wouldn't have been so strange. She was blaming me for everything as should be expected. I calmly apologized for all the things I genuinely had done wrong in the relationship and left. I decided to take the high road and left it without JADEing or recriminations. The next day when she began raging at me through text and phone calls over some imagined slight (to help her avoid the shame) I simply blocked her phone number and went NC (its been over three months now). As much as this still hurts, I had my closure the best way I could given the situation.

Something I have learned through this process is that I don't need others to feel good about myself. I need to feel good about myself. And if that means wishing someone I care about happy birthday with no strings attached great. If it's still too painful maybe its not a good idea and you should wait till her next birthday. Hope this helps.

Marti

[happendtome]

Yes, its hard to decide.
There is still time to think this, but i thank you guys. 

[roberto516]

I did with my ex ex. Just t be civil. Knowing she was with her replacement. She said "thank you!" And then some congratulations about one of my family members having a baby. Well that set me off on a rant. It was the last time I ever spoke to her.

My birthday is coming up. I wonder if the recent ex will wish me one. However she has no way to get in touch with me. Sadly, unless she has a facebook memory on that day reminding her... .she probably doesn't even know when my birthday is.

[Skip]

This is a difficult question after any break up with anyone. People have really different ideas about this,

It would be laconic "thank you" and it may come even after few days.

Pretty typical polite response.

She didnt wish me anything when i had my birthday.

It's usually good to read the other person and this is a "read".

I am afraid her reaction or lack of reaction may do some harm for me and anyway... .

This is usually a sign to leave it alone. Your upside is a laconic "thank you". Your downside is that you are still emotional and may be upset by any response or lack of.

should i even care she has a birthday?

You do care. That's OK. We feel what we feel.

There is always next year, when the response will surely be felt as less conflicting on both sides.

[findingmyselfagain]

It's amazing how similar these relationships can be, but everyone is different. I didn't want to "abandon" my exunBPDfiance. I could sense the sadness and turmoil in her and compassion was my hook early on. I tried  hard to stay friendly and believed that what we had was real love so I put in a huge effort. I made friends with someone who had BPD and they helped me write her a letter I sent with a birthday card. She responded immediately and we emailed back and forth. She was open to hanging out as friends very occasionally but I couldn't handle her abrasiveness. Her responses started dragging behind (guessing due to emotions... .). I finally gave it up once she went off the deep end on me. I realized I was a) wasting my time and b) deserved better (see a)).

Really, my feelings ran too deeply. We were engaged, and I was practically the adopted father of her baby daughter. Everything seemed as fine as it could be until a few days after our wedding shower.

The sooner you can move on to healthier things the better, but I understand it takes time and every situation is different. Now about half the reason I don't want any contact with my ex is because I'm afraid I might see the nice side and be fooled.

[Aesir]

I wouldn't. My ex is so self absorbed I doubt she would wish me a happy birthday.

[g2outfitter]

It's so amazing how we all go through the same thoughts.  My exBPD ended things with me for a second time two months ago.  Since then she fell into her usual pattern of disappearing for two weeks, then sending me a random text or email.  It always triggered me and when I responded she would then back off or disappear again.  I decided for my own well being I had to initiate NC.

Her birthday is in two months and I am already debating on whether or not to send her a card.  I have time but my thought process is trying to figure out exactly why I want to send it.  My thoughts are so very conflicting.  I guess, since I do have conflicting thoughts, I have my answer... .don't do it!  However, I still struggle.

[Icefog]

I think it's always good to really examine your motive here. Are you wishing her a happy bday just to have some contact? Is there an expectation attached to it? How connected to the relationship are you still? Are you wanting to connect in order to keep the relationship alive at some level and if so why? Motive, motive, motive.

[Pretty Woman]

I think you should do what YOU want to do but can you go into this with 0 expectations on what her response will be?

From my experience reaching out would set me back. Either I'd reach out and find her number had been changed, reached out and she threatened me to never contact her again, reach out and end up triangulating with her and her GF.

None of those would benefit me, not one.

You say you don't want her to think you are cold but this is a two way street. Has she reached out to you at all? As Icefog noted it really is important to examine your motives here. Are they deeper than you just wanting her to know you aren't "cold"? And to piggyback off Turkish's comment, What do you believe you will get out of wishing her a Happy Birthday?

Again, the choice is yours. I applaud you for coming here first and posting. Sometimes it helps to get a conversation going that gets you thinking a little outside the box.

[Breathe066]

I agree with Marti if you are in a place emotionally where the reply really doesn't matter. You can do it for yourself. I would not do it because I have finally figured out that no good deed goes unpunished by my estranged H wBPD. He manages to twist every kind and supportive thing I say into something villainous. I bet he could even find a negative way to twist "Happy Birthday."

[happendtome]

Logically, i think it wont give me anything. The only thing why i see i should do it is that i think she may be suffering and she is too shy to bother me. Yes, i know it doesnt make any sense.
But in the end i dont know how could i help her anyway. I know that she wouldnt listen me (it has been always like that) and it all would be my fault finally.