Does having diagnosis really help?

[jeffkra]

Dord having diagnosis really help?  Hard to set limits when things are flying across the room.  Had to ask granddaughter to leave because my wife and l were no longer safe.  We could not live with her abuse and trashing her room and our lives.  Drugs and alcohol are probably a problem.  Hard to distinguish from mental illness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Dord having diagnosis really help?  Hard to set limits when things are flying across the room.  Had to ask granddaughter to leave because my wife and l were no longer safe.  We could not live with her abuse and trashing her room and our lives.  Drugs and alcohol are probably a problem.  Hard to distinguish from mental illness.

Hi jeffkra,

I think having a diagnosis does help. When we understand some of the features of the disorder, it can help us understand our children and grandchildren better. Especially when they push, or trample over, boundaries. You make a great point that addiction problems can be hard to distinguish from the disordered traits. Boundaries help you deal with the behavior, no matter what the cause.

Your asking your granddaughter to leave is a boundary in itself. Well done for putting your safety as a priority. When there is violence and chaos, it IS hard to set limits, but you have, and that must have been difficult for you. 

What kind of contact do you have with your granddaughter right now?

heartandwhole

[Mamadukes]

There is no free lunch at my table, there is love.

Wendydarling, I think this comment is huge, so fundamental. Thank you. 

Jeffkra, having the diagnosis has been extremely important for us (diagnosed early January).
- it is so helpful knowing that the nuances of this disorder can be described, and that other people are suffering the same or similarly
- now that we have this diagnosis, I think the abundant information and resources are already making a difference in my skills and my understanding
- my BPDs26 is struggling with acceptance (of the diagnosis and the way forward), but that struggle seems essential too. It makes sense to me that acceptance will help him be able to move toward healing.

So very true Jeffkra that it's "hard to set limits while things are flying around the room." Ugh. (My favorite floor lamp almost got destroyed this morning.) So far I'm finding that setting boundaries and limits takes time and finesse and some false starts. I like the advice to start small, that's been helpful. And, as you point out, we have to find ways to do this when things are calm. Anybody familiar with the feeling that it's never the right time to talk? Ugh.

[Huat]

Every now and then I do a search on BPD on the website of our local library.  Lo and behold a new one hit the shelves and I am reading it now and finding it interesting... .and hopeful.  I'm going to buy my own copy... .have it on hand to read when I am in the need of some hope... .which can be often.

The book is titled "Beyond Borderline... .True Stores of Recovery from BPD."  It is edited by Gunderson/Hoffman.

The stories in this book are written by people who struggle with BPD and have successes in their battle.  A number of them tell how comforting it was for them when a professional was finally able to give their problem a name.  It was comforting for them to hear others had the same thing and it was treatable.  It made all the difference.

Although our daughter has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD, we were so happy when not one but two different counsellors we went to said it was highly probable she did have it.  Then I read that first book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"... .and I shed tears.  The book had been written about her!... .and there were others out there like her!... .others, like us, living with them!  We were not alone.

With all that said... .more joy came when I found this website.

[atmywitsendtoo]

I believe diagnosing mental illness is essential to understanding the person, to learning to live with them, to treating them, and to forgiving them.

My father was a successful doctor who was brilliant and charming, but he could also be a terror; emotionally and verbally abusing his wife and children. When you are born into an chaotic atmosphere where things do not make sense as a child you cannot fault the person who you depend on for your survival, your parent, and since you know something is wrong you end up thinking it is all your fault. The child blames him or herself because to do so is less terrifying that concluding that someone you rely on for your very life is not in control of their and therefore your whole world is out of control.

This early tenancy to blame myself became into crippling insecurity as I grew older. It could not possibly be my successful, often charming and facinating father's fault that he behaved as he did, so it must be me provoking him.

I left home early as my siblings and I were all sent to boarding school and this distance from my father helped me heal. As I grew older and started a family of my own it started to become apparent to me that is was not me after all. It became apparent to me that there was something wrong with my father.

I read and I read about psychiatric and psychological disorders. When I read Patty Duke's autobiography "Call Me Anna" I had an epiphany. It all of a sudden occurred to me that my father must be bipolar and when this dawned on me a huge weight lifter off my shoulders. None of it had ever been my fault. It had always been him. He was sick. So now all of a sudden I stopped judging him. I stopped thinking of him as someone who could be a terrible jerk. I stopped thinking badly of him and I started seeing him as a sort of brave and resilient and more successful than I had ever imagined. I was able to forgive all his inappropriate treatment of myself and my mother.

When they were in their seventies I had a frank discussion with my parents about my theory about my father. My father confirmed that he was indeed bipolar and while he had sought treatment a few times he always had bad experiences with psychiatrist and so because of that as well as the stigma he went untreated his whole life. His whole life he struggled with disabling depressions as well as terrifying and destructive manias all the while running a successful medical practice and supporting a wife and three daughters. He had really led quite a life and accomplished a lot given his untreated condition so in the end gaining a diagnosis allowed me to become proud of a father I had once feared and at times hated. Diagnosis was they key to changing my perspective about my father from negative to positive and it was key to me developing a strong sense of self-esteem.