Better boundaries and limits

[Lollypop]

BETTER BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS!

I've got complacent in the 16 months BPDs has been home.

In my eagerness to improve our core relationship and set realistic and flexible limits I got too comfortable.

This thread and other recent conversations on the parenting forum has helped me understand that most of my problems come under this heading.

I appreciate we are all different and our situations unique. What I may find acceptable you may not. I've kept mine as simple as possible.

My BPDs has always been defiant (quietly) and he still resists but my confidence has grown so I know that whatever I set will be kept or there will be consequences.

I notice on the forum that there's a lot of discussion about what's happening right now.  What latest drama we've allowed ourselves to be dragged into or got into by our own design. We use the tools to help us deal with the situation. We use the tools to help us cope. It's about stopping that cycle.

I got myself a plan 16 months ago and it helped me stay focussed on my priorities.  I did this because everything was just SO wrong I couldn't see where to start.

I've been struggling recently and I think it's because I need to revise my plan!  

Then I'll look at my boundaries.

Does anybody else do this?  I know I can be a crazy person who likes those lists Lol!

How do you all know where to start with boundaries and limits?

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I've kept mine as simple as possible.

Reading this post made me realize how much I have done this, too (with S15). Focus on what is simple while trying to connect with him emotionally.

I think you are smart to only take on boundaries you know that you can set, and manage. I find the process of working this out, and figuring out if and how those boundaries will carry consequences (that don't punish me, for example) takes a lot of time and effort.

How do you all know where to start with boundaries and limits?

This is a question I had never thought of until now. Lately, I have been waking in the middle of the night filled with dread and anxiety  about how S15 is going to manage on his own. A lot of his issues revolve around dependency on me in one way or another.

I probably start setting boundaries and limits when the feelings around them become unbearable 

[jellibeans]

I think I have changed my approach over the years depending on where my dd is with her addiction. Boundaries started when she was younger in the form of a behavioral agreement. We didn't always have success with this kind of approach because DD likes power struggles and some things we tried to control were really out out our reach and unnecessary. For example we tried to set a bedtime but it really was always a struggle so we just said you needed to be in your room by a certain time and left it at that. If she stayed up late then she was tired in the morning and that was her natural consequences.

Now my DD is out of our home our approach is a little different and sometimes transparent to DD. I try not to text her immediately after she text me. Sometimes she is just venting or complaining about something and letting off steam and she needs some time to calm herself before I engage her.

Our boundaries are more about limiting our resources to her... .car... .phone... .money. We are in a stage where we are trying to step back and let DD earn the things she needs by working. We are limiting our advice unless asked. Giving our dd the time and the confidence to figure things out for herself. Making her problems her's to figure out. We are not rescuing and problem solving for her. I think it is good to ask yourself whose problem is this?

We are at a point where we are trying to put some distance between us and I think that is good for all concerned. I am letting go and detaching with love. I think it is key to learn how to tolerate the discomfort of watching your child struggle. I think this is really what I work on everyday.

[Mini28]

First of all, I am so greatful to have found this website! I have spent considerable time already soaking up all the information. I am just beginning. However, I am at a loss to know where to start looking for a family support If anyone has any ideas I would be greatful. Thanks so much.

[Skip]

Can you tell us a bit about what is going on?

[wendydarling]

BETTER BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS!
My BPDs has always been defiant (quietly) and he still resists but my confidence has grown so I know that whatever I set will be kept or there will be consequences.
I notice on the forum that there's a lot of discussion about what's happening right now.  What latest drama we've allowed ourselves to be dragged into or got into by our own design. We use the tools to help us deal with the situation. We use the tools to help us cope. It's about stopping that cycle.

How do you all know where to start with boundaries and limits?

Where to start LP? Do we start by feeling uncomfortable as LP and LNL describe - the uncomfortable feelings prompt us to review, can we accept them as positive though uncomfortable feelings that help us move forwards to problem solve using the tools, setting limits and boundaries.  In many cases we are overwhelmed and distressed of what's happening right now I remember that when I first posted here (my DD had been hospitalised a number of times) my distress was intolerable it prompted me to take action, I had to take a step back get back to my baseline and regulate my emotions in order to be able think and listen clearly and not be dragged ... .by BPD behaviours. My DD needed me to stand firm while emotionally connected at all times, she was not alone and this is real.

As you say LP our situations are unique though there are striking similarities. Fortunately my 28DD accepted her diagnosis and treatment, she set her own goals and these have been my limits. 12 months DBT ended this week and DD is distressed, disassociating. This is new territory for us, it's time for us to sit down, for her to set her goals (as she's been doing in DBT) for the next period and for I to set my limits, what if the goals and limits don't match? DD gave up working at Xmas to concentrate on DBT - she had too many goals to resource at that point, she felt she needed to keep it simple and prioritise her recovery. I have provided a roof over her head, food on the table and paid for phone, cat food, travel costs, a bare minimum she has no money in her purse.  There is no free lunch at my table, there is love.

Jellibeans I also keep my advice to the minimum, if DD needs help problem solving I'm there as I am for any adult in my life. I read an old post here over a year ago where a father spent years of efforts helping son to get off his addictions believing he was doing the right thing, the son beat his addiction by leaving home, he had to do it on his own and the father reflected how he'd stopped his son beating his addiction for over a decade by trying to help. I often think of this story not due to the subject of addiction, to look at where I am as a parent am I in any way standing in the way of my DD's recovery, what do I need to change about me, my approach?

LnL I'm sorry you are not sleeping, I too get anxious about the future and it prompts me to remember it's what I do right now, today that contributes to the future and that gives me hope and confidence I can make a positive difference.

I'll share DD's goals and my limits once discussed and agreed. Now DBT has finished I feel as though I'm stepping into the DBT therapists role making my DD accountable for setting her path and keeping to it.

Hi jeffkra and welcome, I'm so sorry your GD is abusive to you and your wife, you did the right thing to protect yourself your safety comes first you set the limit. Has your GD been diagnosed are you in contact with her?

[wendydarling]

I think you are smart to only take on boundaries you know that you can set, and manage. I find the process of working this out, and figuring out if and how those boundaries will carry consequences (that don't punish me, for example) takes a lot of time and effort.  

LnL thinking on what you say, communicating boundaries and limits is presently top of the tools/skills in the poll we struggle with and as you say the process can take a lot of time and effort - a big investment of our time and energy ahead of being able to communicate the boundary or limit. If we accept the process can take time to work through and we put in the hard work will less of us identify this as a tool/skill that's not worked so well for us?

[Mamadukes]

Thanks Skip. And now I want to share that I just finished listening to a tremendous recording that covers some fundamental skills for family, in the Family section at borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com, under Recordings for Families:
Marie-Paule deValdivia: Family Connections: Must-Have Skills

Hey Mini28 -- as a sister-Newbie, I can't recommend this recording enough!

[wendydarling]

It's great Mamadukes thanks for sharing, a while since I last listened, great questions we often ask in the Q&A too including one on limits. I love Marie's voice, she's so soothing and reassuring, it's great to 'hear' someone give an example of validation.

Any further plans or thoughts to share about boundaries and limits? I've found out DD's DBT is not quite finished yet so hanging back to see what comes forth and see if her goals fit my limits.

[Mamadukes]

Very excited that I'm going to a weekend workshop in early May and Marie-Paule deValdivia will be there!

Regarding boundaries and limits, here's my update. All bets are off around here, and my current emphasis is on SET, with an emphasis on Truth. My BPDs26, who was diagnosed just at the beginning of this year, left an intensive outpatient program after only a couple of months and has fallen deeper and deeper into his terrible pit. Very very bleak, very stuck. So my campaign for the past couple of weeks has been Very Quiet, I cannot fix this, mostly Listening, a little random validating as possible, but above all gently planting tiny seeds (for a hospitalization) and leaning into the Truth that he, himself, is going to have to seek treatment. (Oh, and I've been planting the idea of acceptance... .that we can gain some power over this disorder starting with acceptance.)

Believe it or not, I hope to share with ya'll by late next week that he has been admitted. He now says he realizes he has to do this (unprecedented for him in relation to hospitalization). Apparently he has needed a deep, dark period of trying to come to terms with this diagnosis, and then beginning to recognize, at least to some extent, that only HE can take the steps toward healing.

I have told him that I am learning everything I can so that I can be as supportive as possible, and I am seeking out resources for ME. And I think the combination of the mere act of seeking support for myself PLUS the skills I am beginning to learn, is adding up to possibly his realizing that he's in charge of HIS process. We'll see.

Not a good time in our house for boundaries and limits. We're in a very difficult, painful stage right now that's more like respectfully staying in our separate corners, and minimally engaging as we're able. For now.

Talk soon.