I'm responsible for what?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just had an amusing thought and wondered if anyone experienced the same from their partner?

It seems that I, as an engineer, am personally responsible for all bad product design in the world. If the something doesn't work the way she wants it, she tells me about it in an angry accusatory voice. "This is so stupid." "Why would it do that?" "This is so awful." "It can't possibly accept that this is the way it actual is supposed to work." The disgust and irritation are so palpable that it's scary.

Before, I made a lot of wrong responses:
"I don't know." Not sufficient.
Obviously explaining design trade-offs and engineering limitations was also wrong.
I tried apologizing on behalf of engineers everywhere.  That was disaster.
Explaining that I didn't design the thing and had almost no effect, neither positive nor negative.

Finally, I began validating her feelings and saying, "Yeah, that is annoying. It probably should have been designed this way." Best outcome of the lot, but still not as successful as I thought it would be. Maybe she just wants to be mad.

[DearHusband]

Just had an amusing thought and wondered if anyone experienced the same from their partner?

It seems that I, as an engineer, am personally responsible for all bad product design in the world. If the something doesn't work the way she wants it, she tells me about it in an angry accusatory voice. "This is so stupid." "Why would it do that?" "This is so awful." "It can't possibly accept that this is the way it actual is supposed to work." The disgust and irritation are so palpable that it's scary.

Before, I made a lot of wrong responses:
"I don't know." Not sufficient.
Obviously explaining design trade-offs and engineering limitations was also wrong.
I tried apologizing on behalf of engineers everywhere.  That was disaster.
Explaining that I didn't design the thing and had almost no effect, neither positive nor negative.

Finally, I began validating her feelings and saying, "Yeah, that is annoying. It probably should have been designed this way." Best outcome of the lot, but still not as successful as I thought it would be. Maybe she just wants to be mad.

[believer55]

My uBPDh has told me... .if you just stood there and did nothing I would still yell at you and blame you for something. If I wasn't around he would find someone else to yell at. He just wants to be mad - it's easier than fighting the emotions and using reason!

[formflier]

Maybe she just wants to be mad.

We have a winner!

This could also be a place where you might want to try and "agree" with her instead of just validating.

Fairly harmless... .even if the engineer in you could explain it another way.

I do sometimes "hold the line" or even "push back" when there is a suggestion that I am responsible for something that I'm not... .especially if it has to do with "design" or "thinking something through"... or "reasoning".

Many times I'll say "Ohh... .are you asking how I decided to do it that way?".  If there is further blather then I'll ask her to let me know when she is ready to listen and I depart to do something else.

There is really no "fix" for them being mad and wanting to express it... .I've been able to get it down to a more manageable level where walking away usually handles it.

FF