Rollercoaster

[Gravy]

I have a daughter, 17, with BPD.  She was diagnosed last year, after 4 years of not knowing what was going on, blaming others, therapist after therapist, medication after medication. She wants therapy and is doing everything in her power to get better so that is a blessing.  What's not is that I am a single parent, working full time to support her and her sister, 21, who has some anxiety, PTSD issues of her own and it is at college.  I don't tell anyone I know much of what goes on as they criticize my actions and my daughter as well, as they have no idea what BPD is or what it does to those inflicted and those caring for them.  I have no partner as it isn't possible with all the stress involved I don't have time, desire and don't think it is fair to another person.  Very lonely and so hard trying to hold it together all the time.  My only outlet is boxing-thank goodness for that and my dog!  I am doing everything I can just to get her to graduate high school.  She will be attending community college in the fall and living at home.  I hope some day she can attend somewhere as she is so smart and mature, but knows she isn't ready to go away.  I can't help but wonder if she will be with me forever.  I love her but want her to have her own life too.  I have to leave my rental home this fall and am going to leave Ct but have not found a job yet.  So , not only is her life up in the air, so is mine since when I leave Ct I leave my job.  Just venting.  Thanks for listening whoever is.
Gravy 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

She wants therapy and is doing everything in her power to get better so that is a blessing.  

This is great news. Has she started therapy?

What's not is that I am a single parent, working full time to support her and her sister... .Very lonely and so hard trying to hold it together all the time.  

It's incredibly lonely. I found that my friends judged me and just didn't understand. My family don't ask much either. I've got my husband and you'd think that'd be a blessing and it's good to have that shoulder but it's sometimes very difficult to as we've not always agreed. I've a younger son at home too.

It's very important to take care of yourself first. They rely on you, so your needs have to come first. You can be the strong parent you need to be. You've come to the right place to get the knowledge and skills you're going to need to effectively support your daughter.

My only outlet is boxing-thank goodness for that and my dog!  I am doing everything I can just to get her to graduate high school.  She will be attending community college in the fall and living at home.

I'm glad to hear you've got some interests. It's not always easy to achieve but it's so important. I see you've prioritised graduation and want her to go to college. How is your daughter feeling about school and going to college right now?

I'm glad you've found us.

I started by learning and reading about BPD. Take a look at the top right hand page. There's information and lessons to help you interact with both of your daughters. I learnt everything I could while I focussed on my core relationship with my BPDs26 (he lives at home with us). My communication and validation skills have helped my family in so many ways. I don't react the same, I find I'm a calming influence too.

When will you be moving? This will be a challenge for you all.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Gravy

I'd like to join Lollypop and welcome you to bpdfamily parents board, I'm so glad you found us, you are not alone.

Plenty of us single parents here (one 28DD, living at home who's in DBT) I know what you mean when you say 'so hard trying to hold it all together'  - that's how I felt when I arrived here 18 months ago, I want to give you hope, now I feel much more relaxed through the support of the great parents here and the knowledge and understanding I've learnt about BPD (as Haut advises us in her recent post 'do your homework'. I've changed my approach, outlook, plans, priorities, thinking ... .it does get better, we have hope. 

It sounds like you are moving to a new area, leaving your job, that's a lot of change and wonder what is driving that decision?

WDx

[Gravy]

My BPD daughter has been in regular therapy with someone she likes to go to for the past 6 months. She had to switch this past month as her regular therapist had a baby.  I thought it was fine until yesterday when she finally told me she could not open up to him.  I contacted her regular therapist and she is going to do phone sessions until she is ready to be back in person.  She is a blessing as when my daughter's insurance changed and she was no longer on it, she accepted me just paying what the co-pay was and still going to do that.

As far as the college-my BPD daughter truly wants to go to college.  When we were looking in to it I was very worried as I did not think she could handle going away but didn't want to say she couldn't.  She finally brought it up and said she didn't think it was good right now-we were both relieved.  She is excited about taking courses at the community college and that is a good thing.  Day by day.

I am worried about when I have to leave this area-which could be anytime between October and the end of this year.  I can't afford to stay in this area, even if I stay at my job that I have had for 13 years.  It has gotten to be very bad and stressful job and I would just look for a new one here, but I can't financially make it since once she turns 18, in a month, her father cuts off the little we get for child support and paying 50% of medical bills not covered by insurance. My loans for my other daughter's college come due in December as well.  My landlord is selling the house so that is why I have to leave where I live too. I am looking for a job out of the northeast but if i don't find something when I have to leave I will go live with my father so I would only be about 60 miles away and could help him as well, he is 88.

Her father does live near by so she can always go stay with him to stay in the area if she chooses to-problem is that he does not understand her issues and causes a lot of stress for her.  When we divorced he remarried within a year and moved his new family, with 3 new daughters, into what was our house.  They all went to the same schools and my daughter felt like an intruder in her own house.  Infact, she wanted to come home to my house on one visitation and it escalated and her father called the cops on her.  She tries with him, but they fight a lot and I worry if I am not in the area.  He is divorced again so it is a bit better.

I am glad I found this website/board and I have been reading a lot about BPD.  It is just a hard thing to explain to anyone who isn't directly affected.  I also get upset with myself if I don't respond the right way to situations.  My daughter is actually very aware of herself and what she is doing and acting and always tries to figure out why and try to fix it.  We are at a much better place today then we were at a year ago, but it is still frustrating and very tiring.  I am just not convinced that she will be on her own.  I know it is early yet, she is only 17.

It is just nice to now know that I am not alone.  I appreciate the posts!

Gravy

[Lollypop]

Hi Gravy

I also get upset with myself if I don't respond the right way to situations.

Can you give an example?

Validation can be hard particularly as it seems every early conversation is so very important. It takes practice and we all learn by our mistakes. I learnt how to do a re-do.

Here's an example.

"Oh, hi there son. I've been thinking about yesterday, remember when you called me in a panic about that thing with your boss?... .(get reply, so we're on the same topic in our heads). Well, I've given it some thought and I just wanted to say that I totally understand, that must have been really difficult for you and I've been in that situation myself... ."

Re-dos are great for me. I know I've missed the opportunity of the original moment but my BPDs sees and feels I care, I get it right second time round because I've prepared and my confidence grows. Win, win.

It's great that you've managed to get around the therapy problem and have resolved the situation at least in the interim. Your daughter sounds like she's really engaged and wanting to help herself. Believe me, I'd give anything for this as my BPDs has been very resistant to take responsibility for himself - despite me passing it over to him.

I found that stability and home environment is very important to him. It's like he's an orchid and needs just the right conditions to be nurtured. He's hyper sensitive to environment and we were so prickly and  he'd react so to us. I'm concerned that your daughter may be the same and living with her dad may not be the right thing for her right now. It's a big ask of a 17 year old to live away from her mom, live with her emotional (?) dad, and settle into community college.  Listen to your instincts on this.

How's your daughter feeling about all of this?

Would your husband be prepared to continue with the medical cost contribution after 18?

Hugs

LP