Wilderness Therapy?

[lulumom]

Hi, this is my first post.  We have a 22 year old son with BPD.  He's a senior in college with one more class to take (may or may not happen right away). One of the only things that he seems to have an interest in and enjoys is outdoor adventuring such as hiking, kayaking, etc.  He is resistant to any type of standard therapy, so we have been researching Wilderness Therapy programs for young adults.  Does anyone have experience with this type of program?  There are quite a few out there and some guidance would be greatly appreciated! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi lulumom

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I'm very glad you've found us. I'm sorrry to hear about your son.

My BPDs26 got diagnosed at 24. Diagnosis provided some answers but also more questions arise. It's a complex situation as we try an unravel the information. At 19 he dropped out of uni and was just unable to cope with life's day to day challenges. We bounced around for a good while.

This forum has been my life saviour. My son did not want treatment. We accepted this and feel until he's fully engaged and motivated to change then it's not the right time for him. We did the only thing we could do And that was learn how to better effectively support him.

It's taken 17 months and I think he may be ready for treatment. He enters the realm of trying to find something that works for him. We walk by his side while he makes his own decisions and go at his speed (as frustrating and painful that is).

I'm sorry I don't know anything about wilderness therapy as we live in the uk. I'm sure there are others on the forum who may help with the j formation you want.

I wish you well in your search.

Do you have any support for yourself? It's hard to cope as parents while we watch them suffer.

LP

[lulumom]

Thanks for your kind words.  My son was diagnosed in the fall after a very bumpy three and a half years in college and one disastrous relationship.  He also has extreme anxiety and depression and is hopeless at times.  He threatens suicide, but not immediate - just tells us that he's going to do it at some point. He's cut himself several times.  He's on medication but it doesn't seem to be helping and we can't get him to go back to the Dr.  He's 1000 miles away and won't come home.   We feel helpless and at the mercy of his emotions.  I am an anxious mess all the time because I never know what's coming next.  I do have some support from from a friend whose daughter is BPD and I go to counseling but need to find someone who has experience with BPD because my counselor doesn't understand why he won't seek treatment and thinks I should be calling his doctor (that would end our relationship).  I am glad to have found this board and am grateful for the support.  I am learning more each day on how to interact with him in a way that doesn't make things worse.

[Lollypop]

Hi lulumom

We feel helpless and at the mercy of his emotions.  I am an anxious mess all the time because I never know what's coming next.

Oh boy, that's just how I used to feel. I found this forum and read up and learnt about BPD. This helped me to not react to my BPDs, his conversations, his silence, his bad choices. I better understand his limitations but BPD is complex and it's confused with his self medicating drug use. He's in emotional pain and really does struggle with anxiety, depression and socialising. Once he's got a view on something he's very inflexible.

My BPDs has responded very positively to my change in approach. It takes time and consistent and persistent effort to slowly find a way forwards. I got myself a plan for myself. My BPDs needs to be able to live independently and I set myself three goals.

It sounds like your son has made some decisions. He wants to remain where he is and not return home. He currently chooses not to seek treatment. I can see that'd be incredibly frustrating and upsetting for you. It took my BPDs some time to process his diagnosis and he felt his life would be ruined forever. Like your son, my BPDs is convinced he'll end his life at some point.

There's a lot to get through as we learn to accept their life isn't going to be the one we'd always hoped for, grief that comes with it, acceptance is hard. I can't believe the progress we've made. I came here full of despair and now we have hope.

It's very hard for us to cope emotionally with their inner turmoil and struggles. We need time ourselves and also better ways to interact with our adult children. You  can arm yourself with the skillset you're going to need to more effectively support him.  There's hope and there's a way forward for yourselves as a family.

Have you started to learn about BPD?

Does your son contact you when he has problems and then you find it difficult to cope?

Are you financially supporting him at the moment?

LP

[lulumom]

We do support him financially since he's still in college.  He did work last summer and has some of his own money, but not much.  He contacts us almost every day to tell us how awful he is feeling and how he will eventually end it.  I get panicked when the phone rings or I get any texts and spend my day worrying about what's going on and when is he going to have his next crisis.

I have read a lot about BPD and try to follow the recommendations of how to communicate with him.  He usually ends up hanging up on me because I've said the wrong thing. 

How did you come up with a plan for yourself and what do you mean?  I am trying to stay connected with friends who support me and see a therapist (which I don't think is helping much) and my doctor knows what's going on.  I have a supportive husband who is trying his best to help and cope.

What do you say when your BPD says he's going to end his life at some  point?  It makes me so upset that I can barely talk to him when he's in that mode.  Telling him his life can get better only makes him angry.

Thanks so much for communicating with me!

[Lollypop]

Hi lulumom

Have you seen my thread Ensuing Crisis? I faced that kind of call at the weekend. You might want to read it. I think as parents trying to improve, we get better each time and I'm not there yet with the right words. I can deal with my BPDs talking about it far better than my H who can't cope at the moment. I tried hard in the conversation to not speak in the silence, tried to get him to problem solve. In the end I told him what to do, come home.

Do you believe your son will try to commit suicide or is he just trying to tell you how he's feeling to share his pain with you?

You've said he's in college. Presumably his course is winding up with assignment deadlines before the summer break? I think you said you don't think he'll pass this year. If I got that right, is he staying in class in the hope that he'll somehow get through it? It sounds like quite a stressful situation for him. I think that he's ringing you each day is a good sign, that he's engaged with you and is hoping your voice and words help calm him. This makes it very difficult for you, it's very hard to deal with a serious conversation over the telephone and text even harder. I like re-dos but haven't done one on the phone. "I've been thinking about our talk yesterday and I don't think I handled it very well. You know I really do understand and know I'd feel exactly the same about xxxxx, it really is very hard for you. We are really worried about you. How's it going today?" 

My BPDs just wants to be listened to, feel he's understood and loved.  Can you give an example of when you think you got it wrong? What do you do when he hangs up?

When my BPDs tells me how bad he feels I normally say "it doesn't have to be like this, there's help out there for you".  This is because he's resisted seeking treatment. He self medicates.

My plan was
1: improve my core relationship and I did this above everything else. Listening mostly, light as a fairy, loving and supportive, never asking questions or talking about serious things. He warmed up slowly, started to trust me and that I wouldn't react or judge him.
2: financial management skills (I stopped giving him money)
3: try to get him to the point that he can live independently successfully

All Our situations are different and unique. My BPDs was 24 and not in education. My goals were so that whatever happens, he had us as a constant, financial skills are vital (he was terrible!) and are needed to live independently. I found the plan extremely helpful for me, particularly when I struggled as it gave me focus. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I learnt the skills I needed (still learning) to effectively support him in the right way. He needs me to not react, not judge, be calm - always. That way he trusts us, he's safe to tell us exactly how he's feeling, that he's safe to make mistakes and then learn from them. It's been challenging and it's been slow over 17 months but our relationship is now good, despite the problems.

I don't know if this is helpful but maybe you find it interesting,

Is your son coming home in the summer?

Is he having treatment as I wonder about his meds?

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Lulumom

Your son sounds in a position very like my DD was approaching finals. Your son is 1000 miles away, my DD lives at home, very big difference.

I contacted DD's university with her permission (she'd lost all sight of ahead) and worked with her year tutor. They initially suggested she retake the final year, DD said no she'd never make it and all would be lost. 2) they extended some timelines for delivery of final pieces of work, that helped her focus. 3) They gave her a dispensation of attending interview of her final dissertation. DD graduated one short of a 1st, a 2:1.

The only reason I stepped in to help her is she was born with a pencil in her hand and an eye. After all she's been through since, she is now rebuilding her life with her talent, a life that works for her, not what feels like a sausage machine she can not accomplish, though she has tried her very best. Small steps, working on new growth here, new goals, same skills and wonderful talent.

My DD worked following graduation at 22yr till 26yr, that's when she became true and accepting of  her disorder, could hide from it no more.

I'm so very sorry your son is struggling and your pain, he's calling you daily, can you visit him lulumom?

Glad you are here with us.

WDx

[lulumom]

Thanks Lollypop and WendyDarling.  It helps to know that there are people out there that understand.  To answer a few questions, as an example of when he will hang up on me, it could just be a sigh on my part.  I know I shouldn't react to him like that, but it's so difficult.  I mentioned to him that he could email his doctor (since he's away and can't go there and won't call) and perhaps get his medication adjusted.  He sarcastically replied that he would, so I sighed and he hung up.  But then he calls back a few minutes later to yell at me about how I reacted to him saying he would email the doctor (which, as I said, was said extremely sarcastically on his part).  I find myself apologizing over and over again to keep the peace and I want to stop! We have visited several times. Right now he's on a two week break from school and won't come home.  He sits in his room all day and ruminates about everything he could have done differently.
I don't know the right thing to say when he mentions suicide.  It puts me over the edge and I almost can't respond.  I think what you said, Lollypop, is the right thing, but who knows how they will react to anything?   I always expect the worst and I guess that is something I need to work on for myself. 

[MomMae]

Hi lulumom.  I am new here, too.  I have a daughter, 20, diagnosed with BPD about a year ago.  Diagnosis may now include bipolar tendencies, not sure as we now have to get information on her diagnosis only from her (due to what we consider misplaced "confidentiality" and she does frequently lie and embellish. Anyway, I am responding to your initial question about the wilderness programs as we too, are looking into those.  The one we are looking at in Canada is "Outward Bound"... .I think it is in other countries too... .  It has a good reputation and has been around for a long time - several decades I believe.  We have run it by our daughter several times and while she says it sounds interesting, it doesn't go beyond that.  We are also worried to put the money out for it, and then she decides not to go.  I, too, would appreciate hearing of any other such programs that anyone has experience with and if they would recommend them.