Trying to control divorce process

[Inneedofhelp]

I have finally gained strength and understanding that it is time to complete the divorce, but really worn out already from 6 years of separation (17 years married), conflict, projection, rage, control... .and scared of the probability that it will all intensify before it gets better. About 5 months ago I suggested (several times prior to that as well) that we complete the inevitable divorce through a mediator so it was all out in open, and seemed pretty basic in terms of assets (not much) and I thought agreed upon custody of our children (8 and 12). I can only guess that when the process finally started to happen my spousewBPD (undiagnosed and in denial but really obvious) couldn't handle the finality of it and refused to then participate. I tried to convince him it would be easier and quicker if he at least met with lawyer and signed papers, but he wouldn't so I only did my part so far. I have been overwhelmed with his increasing agitation and irrational accusations and overall awful behaviors, so I let it go for a few months. Now I'm ready-I need this next step toward healing myself and learning to live fully again, but he still thinks he is controlling this situation (as well as most others). I informed him yesterday as calmly as I could that it would be best if he just signed the papers, but he said some awful words of where I could put the papers. I let him know that if he refused that it would still happen-that he would then get less of a day it the process. I am pretty sure he still thinks he has some control over it. This time though, I'm following through-enough is enough. Does anyone have some words of wisdom about the serving process... .I'm scared he will react intensely when that happens. Not sure there is any alternative?

[babyoctopus]

So you haven't served him with the initial papers yet?

I'm kinda in the same boat- waiting for my paycheck to arrive and to pay my lawyer so she can draw up the petition for divorce.

My uBPDh keeps saying things like: You're making a mistake. You won't get much in support, how will you live? You may have to pay me support. I'm just about to hit it big you better think about this because once you do it there's no coming back. You need to give me all your financials and credit reports "for the judge".  This is your choice- I'm against it- but once its done that's it- don't come crying to me later. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. I'll be fine, I'll buy a house, but you probably won't be able to- I'm worried about the kids.

I see it for what it is: empty threats and FOG. I also know full well how vindictive they are, and he will probably make it his life's work to "show" me how great he's doing without me. I'll have to stay strong and remember: Once it's done I'll never have to endure another rage, false accusation, ruined Christmas, sexual pressure/rape, verbal abuse, belittling, day to day financial instability, control issues, embarrassing confrontations (with friend's husbands ), isolation from loved ones and friends and the rest of it. I will be free to pursue what I want to without ridicule. I can travel again. Be with my friends without worrying about him constantly. Honestly, I can't even recall a time I was able to have dinner with girlfriends and he said:" Go ahead, have fun. Don't worry about me. I'll take care of the kids" It was always: Bring me something to eat. What am I going to do for dinner? Or, he would go out too. And not feed the kids.

I digress... .

Hang in there be strong. I just read the ":)ivorce Process" steps on this site and it was very helpful. My attorney told me a friend can serve them, or you can, or the court for a fee. Are you living apart?

Take care... .

[Inneedofhelp]

Babyoctopus,
So sorry you have had to endure all that you listed-I know too well pretty much everything there as well. It seems like we know we deserve better and it has taken way too long to find the strength to tackle this major hurdle towards what I hope is a life more free and happy. How old are your kids? Mine are really the reason I have endured so much from him-to try and shield them as much as possible using myself.
I just talked to the lawyer tonight and he is ready to have him served, but I still hold some hope (although I think totally irrational) that I can get him to sign the paper that acknowledges he understands. Probably not. We are living apart but he thinks he can come to my house "because the kids are there". I have stood my ground starting this week but setting that boundary, but of course he is pushing back which might mean I have to finally get police or lawyers involved. Really trying to prevent that, but he just won't go away.

[takingandsending]

Hi Ineedofhelp.

What is the current schedule like for your children? How often does he see them, and is it an established schedule? I have delayed having papers finalized, trying to do it with my wife. She asked for legal separation so that she could stay on my insurance. After several ridiculous mediation sessions, we are close to a parent plan. I will have my L draw up the divorce papers. I have zero wish to recycle our relationship in the future.

The only experience I have on the serving process is from my co-worker with her xh who likely is BPD. Expect him to delay. That is all he has done to this point, and it is all he likely will continue to do. Serving the papers just notifies the court. Nothing in particular happens. My co-worker's xh is full of threats and anger, but in the end he finally signed the papers because he had no particular gumption to hire an attorney or actually take any steps to deal with the situation.

I am proud of you for doing what is right for your children. It is not easy. Sometimes, it feels pretty lonely. But, you are not alone, and there are a lot of folks here who will walk beside you in this process.

[babyoctopus]

I have 3 teenagers, so they're big but not too big. I wanted until the youngest was in high school to do this, but I have been plotting and planning a long time. I was a stay at home mom for most of their childhood, finding a secure job with benefits at age 49 was tough but I did it. If it wasn't for this job I don't think I would have the means or the will to really do this.

The thing is: We partners of BPDs are always, eternally optimistic about them- to a HUGE fault. Always thinking after ALL they've done, that finally, somehow they'll come to their senses and be reasonable. In my experience, that's a fantasy. I am always let down, always disappointed, over and over again.

One of the books I read during my marriage was "10 steps for women in difficult marriages" by Carla Downing. Such a lifesaver. But one of her tactics was: set your expectations very low. I did this and it helped see the situation for what it really was.

I am always fighting my tendency to believe things will get better, or he'll change, or the worst- that I am wrong, it's me who is the crazy/mean/sick one.

[ForeverDad]

Another perspective... .You have had years in a close relationship.  You've tried to improve yourself, the spouse and the relationship but — since your circumstances led you here — your well-intentioned efforts failed.

So why think that NOW, with the marriage facing implosion, things will be different if you retreat back to the way things were?  A ReDo is destined to fail if the disordered spouse is not in effective and progressing therapy.  Sadly, the prospect of separation or divorce may trigger unrealistic promises to change (or threats to make your life more difficult) but generally it is best to not get distracted, rather, proceed with your long term goals while holding fast to good boundaries.

That said, life can and will get better after an ended dysfunctional relationship.  Yes, there may be custody and parenting schedules going forward for several years, but Time, Boundaries and Distance, both physical and emotional, will make it easier for you.

[Inneedofhelp]

That said, life can and will get better after an ended dysfunctional relationship.  Yes, there may be custody and parenting schedules going forward for several years, but Time, Boundaries and Distance, both physical and emotional, will make it easier for you.

I'm so ready to move into a more peaceful life. The lawyer we started with for mediation said he wanted to proceed so he wants to have him served. I would rather give him warning that he either sign the acknowledgement paper or he will be served-don't want surprises to be another reason for his rageful responses. I don't anticipate that he will willingly help the process along but I need him to see that his inactions are not changing my mind or slowing it down anymore. I am beyond ready for this to be over.

[babyoctopus]

 
Inneedofhelp:

Congratulations- You are almost there!

Please hang in there- you are going to be off the merry go round.

Remember to keep visualizing what you want the reset of your life to look like. Today is the first day.

I'm pulling for you.

I am still waiting for the papers- and home sale. Once the sale is final I can serve him. I can't wait- although its scary.

    babyoctopus

[Inneedofhelp]

 I am going to try one last time this weekend to have him willingly sign the agreement paper that just acknowledges he received the papers (so I wouldn't have to pay to have someone serve him), but I am not confident it will happen that way. Although I am scared of his reaction, if it doesn't happen then I am ready to call the lawyer on Monday to have him served. No more waiting for the "right time"... .doesn't seem like that will ever happen.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes the process server makes multiple attempts to serve the papers since the person's schedule isn't known.  Let your lawyer know where and when the best opportunities are to locate him.