How long?

[gghorse]

How long do we have to live with children with BPD? Do we go down with the ship that we can't save?

I am lost in the misery of knowing that I can support but never cure my daughter from the curse of mental illness. Like many of you we have had a terrible last 6 years with suicide attempts, self harming, anorexia and abusive behaviour. We have sometimes had the lovely side of my daughter but it is always on her terms.  I understand that she doesn't intend to be this way.

She is in her first year at Uni but 6 weeks at home over the Easter break has brought back some dreadful memories and a return to some of her old behaviours. She has a serious boyfriend who for the last six months has given her 100% attention and devotion. We know that this will naturally diminish over time and her anger started to be directed to me again.

I am worrying in advance of her coming home to live. She makes it hard for me to get out of the house, using guilt and anger - even just going out with friends. She makes a fuss, accusing us of f***ing off when we had a holiday on our own - even though she is at Uni, simply because we are desperate for a break. A return to our old terrible life makes me so anxious.

I am a coper but I feel that this may break me and/or the rest of the family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there GGhorse

First of all I'd like to welcome you to the forum.  I'm truly sorry to hear about your daughter and her struggles.  BPD is devastating and also overwhelming for the entire family.  It's true what they say - life is tough and life is not fair.

My BPDs26 has been reluctant to grow up, he has resisted the responsibility for himself.  I, of course, was always there to "help".  He got dx at 24 following a crisis.  I finally understood that everything I did to "help" was just actually hindering his development.  I couldn't understand why he felt the way he did.  For example, I'd ask if he wanted to join us on holiday and he'd declined (always!) but then he couldn't cope when we went.  His thoughts are contradictory and he just can't help it.  I would react, usually over-react, being either too hard or too soft.

When was your daughter diagnosed?  How much have you read about BPD?

I found the more I read and learned, then the less I reacted.  My BPDs needs me not to react.  He needs me to remain calm.  We asked him to return home to live with us following diagnosis.  I was so very scared and our lives had been complete utter hell and I'd spent months planning to get him out of the house and here I was asking him to come back! 

I changed my approach completely.  I was determined that if his old behaviours returned then I would behave differently to them.  I decided that whatever happens, whatever his circumstances, he's going to need us as a constant in his life.  I understood that I needed to learn how to effectively support him, rather than be the parent I thought I should be. 

BPD sufferers need constant validation.  They need to feel understood and loved.  There is hope for you and your family.  It takes a lot of work and persistence, patience and time.  Oh yes, and boundaries and limits to protect yourself.

This forum has been my live saviour and my family is in a much better place than we were, despite the problems.  And boy, it's a struggle at times.

When does your daughter come home?  How long will she be with you?  Is she having any treatment?

LP