Birthdays and Hard Feelings

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last year my pwBPD has a milestone birthday. For her birthday, I gave her a dream vacation - a week in Japan, touring the country, culminating in a stay at the Park Hyatt, the hotel featured in Lost in Translation.

I'm a few months younger, so my same milestone came up a few months ago. I didn't even get a birthday cake, and my gift was a $40 trinket.

Her next birthday is coming up and I am feeling so sad. I still got her a nice expensive gift but I resent it.

Just putting it out there.

Vent over.

[DaddyBear77]

Last year my pwBPD has a milestone birthday. For her birthday, I gave her a dream vacation - a week in Japan, touring the country, culminating in a stay at the Park Hyatt, the hotel featured in Lost in Translation.

I'm a few months younger, so my same milestone came up a few months ago. I didn't even get a birthday cake, and my gift was a $40 trinket.

Her next birthday is coming up and I am feeling so sad. I still got her a nice expensive gift but I resent it.

Just putting it out there.

Vent over.

[Red5]

Me too @DaddyBear77, I can concur with your comments in regards to birthdays, as well anniversaries, and pretty much every major holiday, makes me want to run for cover, my uBPDw's Birthday is a week from this Friday, in concurrence with the Mothers Day weekend, I have lost count at how many times I have dug a very expensive present out of the trash can, yes litteraly the trash can... .and tried to return it, or else just hid it away some place in our home... .and I like you also get very resentful and as well "gun shy" when these dates start to approach on the calendar... .why do we put ourselves through this time after time, year after year... .you know, I just purchased my uBPDw a brand new Grand Cherokee, and she was happy for a little while, but now I am split to black again ?... .but I will do what I always do, I will "do my best" to make her day special, and then stand by to retrograde what is left should over should she melt down... .I think these scenes in time are left over trials and tribulations from their childhoods, this is what I think.

Yeah, me too, I am very nervous, as I can already feel "it" coming on... .take care DaddyBear77, you ain't alone !

[Notwendy]

Reading these posts - I'm astounded at the gifts- a new car? A trip to Japan? These are dream gifts! Yes nice to do but since when does a birthday require this and what were the motivations behind them if any?

For my birthday- I got flowers, cards,  dinner at a nice restaurant. That's OK. OK because I'd rather we have the money to pay college tuition than a trip. Sure I'd love something grand but it isn't necessary- especially if there are expenses to consider.

Were there other feelings behind the gifts? Fear? Expectations? Sometimes when we do things with the hope of changing someone else it seems to backfire. If we do something we don't really want to do but feel we have to them we feel resentment. That's not a gift.

Sometimes we do things for others that we wish they would do for us, but this kind of thing may not be in their nature.

[GaGrl]

I agree with Notwendy. I would never expect or want such gifts at the expense of real family priorities ... .such as staying out of debt. And large purchases are for both of us, not a gift to one.

It could be helpful to examine what you get or hope to get by giving excessively.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DB77, Did you want to get her the nice expensive gift for her upcoming birthday, or did you buy it because you felt like you had to?  If the former, then I don't see the point of comparing it to what she gave you.  If the latter, then I suggest you examine why you felt compelled to get a gift that is out of line with your feelings.  LJ

[DaddyBear77]

Were there other feelings behind the gifts? Fear? Expectations?

did you buy it because you felt like you had to?
... .
If the latter, then I suggest you examine why you felt compelled to get a gift that is out of line with your feelings.

It could be helpful to examine what you get or hope to get by giving excessively.

Great questions, and thank you for pulling me back to a productive place. There was a bit of "poor me" in the original post, but, yeah, lets get to the real issue - what is the "thing" that overrides all reasonable logic and compels me to spend the proverbial rent money on a fancy vacation or a diamond ring?

The answer is: an intertwined mix of several things.

First of all, Fear - but more than just fear of rage or anger, like she's going to hurt me. It's more of a fear of emotions - when I told her earlier the electric bill and the car repair bill would eat up all the money available for her planned visit to the salon, there was this intense burst of sad, angry, hurt, depressed emotions.

And that leads to number two: Obligation - because the way she handles the intense burst is to remind me that we "had and arrangement" where I would "take care of her," and by not providing for the salon I'm saying she's not worth it and I don't value the same things she values and what's wrong with me that I can't provide such basic things as a trip to the salon?

And finally, I have to admit I DO get a rush out of being able to "pull things out" at the last minute. It's destructive and hurtful to everyone and I'm certainly the one responsible for signing all the loan papers. But I did it anyway, and I refuse to learn that lesson. This one I don't get at all. I've asked several therapists about this but I've yet to really get to the bottom of this one.

Anyway, those are some thoughts. But again, really great questions and thank you.

[formflier]

My wife and I match one place on our love languages.  Gift giving.  Both of us rank it last.

Anyway... .I have learned that one of the markers of her feeling "close" to me is she will do really thoughtful and emotion filled gifts.  Like... I'm really touched by them.

That was the case for the Christmas that we were in the process of moving.  It was one of my "markers' for thinking there was real... lasting improvement in our r/s. 

There were several things.  Most touching was a really nice book that was "our story" from meeting until now.  Not really any "bad stuff" in it.  I still enjoy pulling that book out from time to time.  It's a touchstone for me.

The following Christmas (this most recent one) she got me a daily subscription to the local paper.  She made a big scene about how nice it was.  I thanked her.  Several older kids had What the heck looks on their faces.

Anyway... .I suppose it was better than a lump of coal.  Most days I have a cup of coffee and linger over the paper for a bit.

Sigh...

Oh... yeah, almost forgot.  Since I'm not a big gift giver I've never tried to "dazzle" her with big vacations as a birthday gift.  Sure we've done big trips here and there... .but it was a trip... .for a trip.  Nothing more or less.

We kinda got burned out on trips for a while.  For a long time in the Navy I did quite a bit of commercial travel and had really high frequent flier levels.  Many times if I would be somewhere for several days I would use points and get my wife or my wife and usually the baby she had at the time to come visit.

Usually didn't cost us that much because I already had a hotel paid, she would do her thing in the day while I worked or whatever and then we did together stuff in the evenings.


FF

[GaGrl]

My DH match on Acts of Service... .he gives and I value receiving. Honestly, an act of service is, to me, a gift.

[Notwendy]

Daddybear- it's good that you recognize your part in this because that's the only part you can change if you wish.

There seems to be a difference in what is "basic" providing. The electric bill is basic. A trip to a salon is nice- but things like shelter, electricity, food take priority when it comes to basic needs.

I don't know what kind of "arrangement " the two of you made but an expectation to provide her wishes at the expense of basic needs of the family is a tough one.