21 year old stepdaughter is wreaking havoc undiagnosed BPD

[Lynn89]

Help and guidance is much appreciated!
Over the past 7 years my husband,his ex wife and I have watched our 21 year old daughter self destruct. Her relationships with the three of us are in constant turmoil. She has played her parents off each other knowing they didn't get along with each other.(in the past two years the three of us have a healthier relationship.) Of course this angered my step daughter because she is unable to turn us against each other. Although her mom and dad still have an immense amount of guilt and try to rationalize her behavior at times. When she went off to college 3 years ago her life and behavior really spiraled. She had been diagnosed with depression as a junior in high school but we have never seen real changes although she was taking antidepressants and seeing a therapists regularly.
She failed out of college last Spring and returned to our home. We immediately set her up with a great psychiatrist and therapist. We asked that she find a full time job but she refused to do so blaming depression. Oddly enough she was able to go party and spend weeks at the beach. We finally made her get a job which she had for 7 weeks. Her behavior of splitting and manipulation grew worse. She quit the job and said she wanted to attend a local college for night classes. We agreed to assist with this but also made it clear she needed to find a part time job. It took months to finally start employment. She quit the job within weeks and we discovered that she wasn't going to school. Chronic lying and malicious behavior towards us and our other children. After a family "intervention" she started a 2 week partial program. When she learned that insurance wouldn't pay for it she laughed that we would have to pay for $8,000 bill. She also said that going to the program made it possible that she wouldn't have to go to school or get a job. Needless to say the situation only got worse. One night after dinner I walked upstairs to find our 6 year old being weighed and my stepdaughter telling the 6 year old that she was getting fat and needed to stop eating. I was horrified and scared. We are all afraid of her. Her moods and demeanor are unpredictable. She lashes out and is aggressive. We were living in a pressure cooker. We finally asked her to leave after she cursed me out and also gave a bag of pot and a pipe to her older brother at a family dinner. Our other children are 15,13 and 6 years old and of course were sitting right next to her.
It's been months since any contact. My husband would like the family to be whole again. As much as I would like that she needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions and make an apology to all of us. Plus we need a lot of family therapy.
She has never taken responsibility for her actions and I'm pretty sure this time won't be different. I've spent a lot of time reading about BPD and speaking to my own therapist and psychiatrist about my stepdaughters behavior. She sees a therapist for CBT and has a traditional therapist. Of course she is not giving the true picture of what is going on in her life. Plus her medication doesn't produce evidence that her "depression" is getting better. Should I contact her therapists?
I don't want to put my family back into a toxic situation! Please Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Lynn89,

Welcome and hello  

I know how hard it is to set boundaries with a troubled child, and imagine that telling D21 she had to leave was really, really hard for you and your husband. Do you know her where she is currently living? Is she in touch with her bio mom?

This might be a good cooling off period, and like you say, a chance to get the family into therapy and learn specific skills for communicating (and setting boundaries) with a BPD loved one. I have found the skills are not intuitive and need to be learned, and require lots of practice.

About contacting her T, is this something your H is on board with? I have debated this same question on this same board   and believe it is a good thing to voice your concerns with the understanding that this is not to defend yourself but to act out of love and caring. My SO's D20 is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic depression and I am certain she is BPD. During her most recent suicidal ideation, I felt it would help her T if SO and I describe the full range of behaviors. Right when I was getting ready to do that, D20 changed her T and I lost my momentum. I still think it would help, I just haven't managed to follow through.

When D20 came to live with us, my T said that our inability to have strong boundaries was highly detrimental to D20s well-being. I had never thought of it that way. I always thought of the boundaries as something for me, but they are also essential for D20 because she has none for herself and is impulsive, a scary existence that can make her feel very out of control.

Maybe something you could say to your H is, "I want a whole family too, and I feel we can get there. We have a lot of experts helping us and right now we have an opportunity to learn some skills and prepare for the time when D21 is back in our lives. Let's focus on figuring out how to communicate with her in a skillful way."

He may just need to know that you're working toward this, instead of hearing no, which can create a feeling of despair and lead to grief.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship. It sounds like your family has been injured these past years. Now is the time to rebuild that strength and learn how to hold steady when things get difficult, with clear boundaries and good communication skills.

That's where we can help

BPD loved ones are on a painful, exhausting emotional roller coaster that is so hard for them to control. Our job is to make sure we stay firmly planted on the ground and not get on the coaster with them, and that takes some skill.

[Lynn89]

Dear livenlearned,
    Thank you for your thoughtful words and guidance.
My husband is on the fence regarding contact with her therapists. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,PTSD and GAD a decade ago. I'm an active advocate within NAMI and other groups. I recognize the symptoms of BPD in our daughter but my husband still has blinders on. We were supposed to have a family session with my therapist tonight but after a session Tuesday night with just my husband my therapist is meeting with our daughter alone. My therapist explained to both of us we must be a strong united front otherwise she will see the crack and move in like she's done previously.

[livednlearned]

My therapist explained to both of us we must be a strong united front otherwise she will see the crack and move in like she's done previously.

I received the same advice from our T, too.

Do you two feel that this is something you'll be able to do?

[Lynn89]

I am hoping my husband and I can get on the same page and understand each other's feelings,concerns and goals. At the moment I feel that he should work on his relationship with her in therapy. There are layers and layers of issues that should be addressed and worked through before I come into the picture. To be honest I don't want a relationship with her right now.

[livednlearned]

I understand.

In our couples counseling, the T brought in a child psychologist to a few of our sessions. Child psychologist got into SO's head about why boundaries are essential for D20, and T gave me some guidelines on how to help SO stick to those boundaries. Plus, T gave us very concrete things to do to create a unified front.

A big part of the time, I just want to go live somewhere else.

I hate to admit it. I try to be gentle with myself about feeling this way, and I am doing what I need to make sure my needs are taken care, something that does not come naturally.

Having a BPD brother and a n/BPD ex husband, and having a S15 with high needs (ADHD/ADD, ODD, OCD, Tourrette's, depression and anxiety, misophonia) has made it challenging to open my heart to more BPD.

I will say this. D20 has helped me upskill and get healthier. I'm up to 45 minutes of mindfulness a day 

Do you think your H and D21 would do therapy together?