Should I leave?

[Charlotte456]

I am a mother of a 7 year old little girl from a previous marriage, 12 month old little girl from BPD and pregnant with a little boy (due in September) from BPD. We recently got engaged but it was the result of me telling him I was moving on from this relationship. It has been an everyday battle to be with him. It has gotten physical but I don't think that will happen again. In the past year he has told me to leave his home numerous times. The last time he did, I made plans to leave with my children. Since then I have invited him to come with me but on my terms (this is when he proposed). Moving day is tomorrow and I can actually still say that I don't know if he's coming or not. EVERYTHING is a fight with him. Most recently I found out that he's been lying to me. He's been seeing his ex-girlfriend (he says only once for lunch) and lying to me about drinking and what he's doing when he says he's at work. I'm struggling so bad to do what's best, because I don't know what that is. I can't bear the thought of my children going with him alone on weekends. The biggest problem is that he doesn't even know he has BPD, our therapist told me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Charlotte456]

With the move to the new house tomorrow (the property is now in my name only), I have set some new boundaries... I have told soBPD that lying and insults are no longer going to be accepted at the new house, otherwise, he can leave. He agrees to the no lying rule but is putting up a fight about the insults. He says that I insult him constantly, which isn't true. He will take words out of context and use them as if I am labeling him, so he is "only defending himself" when he insults me back. Is it wrong of me to make this rule? Especially when he and I both know that he won't follow it?

[isilme]

We can weigh in, but only you will be able to determine if you need to call it quits or not.

It really doesn't usually mean much f the pwBD knows they have it or not.  Most people on here won't be able to get their SOs to a therapist to have a diagnosis.  We just look at our lives, who things seem to pan out, and what common behaviors crop up, and based on that, we pretty much have determined well enough it's enough like BPD that being here helps.  So him knowing or not won't make a big difference, I think.

It's not a diagnosis of the flu, where you can look for it to go away.  It's a mental/emotional condition that is with them pretty much forever.  Things CAN get better... .but they both need to want it, and you need to see what you might be doing that fuels fires.  Our natural inclination to defend our feelings, points of view, and even truth often just fan flames instead of putting them out.  JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain - all invalidates and therefore angers someone with BPD.  

You have a duty to the children to provide them the most stable home you can.  If things get physical, if they are emotionally violent, kids can feel it and suffer (I did, I watched 15 years of it).  

When I wasn't sure if I was ready to go or not, I set mini-deadlines to evaluate my decision.  Like, every Friday - how am I feeling?  :)o I want to stay?  If I had to go right this minute, could I?  H had to believe I was close to leaving myself before he got himself in order - that included stopping emotional cheating, he bought a house, finished college, and finally proposed and we just got married a year ago.  But it took me telling him I was close to done, could not take this, and I went and managed to buy my own car.  That was a signal to him I COULD live on my own, but was choosing to give him one more chance.  I was not telling him out of bravado or trying to manipulate him.  I sadly thought I was going to have to go and give up on our life.  

See what steps you can take to minimize the drama.  See if he stays with therapy.  Give yourself some "do I stay" dates and then make plans for now, just in case you chose to leave.  If things cool off, settle down, and he improves, even if it's baby steps, you can spread your deadlines to months at a time instead of weeks.  And then 6 months, and then a year.  

Sadly, to know if a person can be trusted, we have to trust them - trust but verify, but still you have to trust them.  And to see if they can/have changed, you need to give them time to do so and then prove it.  

Only you can make the choice - keep posting here - I now it helps to get it out, and people here have been at least partly in your shoes.

[isilme]

Rules for living in the house and boundaries to protect your family and yourself are not really the same thing.

You can make a boundary about not putting up with being insulted.  This is not to control him, but to protect you.  So, you say, "Please do not insult me."  If he continues - walk out of the room.  Leave the house.  You CAN'T control him, but you can control YOUR reactions TO him. 

BPD hears things in ways we never even think of the words coming out.  There was a good example yesterday on one of the posts I read - If you are in a line and someone is like, "hey, you can go first," you are usually pleasantly surprised.  Meanwhile, if a person with BPD is told, "hey, you can go first," they can feel singled out, and like someone is accusing them o not knowing how to stand in line, and so they get mad.

You can't control how your SO reads things.  And yes, to him many things MAY sound like insults, jibes, or attempts to start a fight.  So, yes, to him, it may feel perfectly fine to insult you back, as he feel it happened.  And you stand there, bewildered, like, "what just happened?  I ask for the mustard and you insulted me?" 

Read up a bit on boundaries - you can set all the rules you want for a house YOU live in and is in your name, but one issue we as "nons" need to look out for is treating our BPD loved ones like children - rules are set to keep children safe.  Boundaries are set to keep adults from hurting us. 

[DaddyBear77]

Charlotte456, welcome. Thank you for posting here - I'm really glad you found us.

I can only imagine how difficult things are to be expecting, be responsible for two other little ones, and be faced with such hard decisions.

I will reiterate what islime said - you must be the one to determine what the best path forward is.

I want to give you a couple of links which might help you along the path.

First, in any situation, whether we think it could be physical or just emotional difficulties or whatever the case, we must consider our safety first - please take a look at this PDF and consider whether or not you have a plan in place that will provide you with that safety should the need arise:
Safety First

Second of all, there's a tool available that might help you make an assessment of your current situation - it's called MOSAIC and you can access it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379


Please keep posting - there are so many people here who have been there, done that, and we can help you along your journey.

DaddyBear77