First Post

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello.  I was married at 18 and have been married to the same man for 29 years.  I came from a dysfunctional childhood.  I'm trying to sort things out.  When I found out some hurtful things about my husband I tried to deal with it... .but I discovered he was lying a year and a half later so I sought a therapist.  It was good at that time because I had no one to share this with.  Now we've been seperated for over two years but continually tried to make it work.  We would get together have some fun and then... .well, I became jealous after never being jealous before.  And he couldn't handle it.  Said he wasn't going to live with his mom.  His mom was the most jealous person I ever saw.  I was hurt because I knew that was an issue in his house and I had been very good about not even looking at a waiter in the eyes.  He couldn't handle my hurt.  Was sorry... .sort of... .but felt it was my fault because I never made him feel loved.  That hurt too.  Crushed my spirit further that he blamed me.  Yes, I'm reserved but I feel I did so many things to make him feel loved. He spent all the extra money... .often used money that wasn't extra to buy himself things... .lots of things... .then he would lose interest in them.  He went out with his friends anytime he wanted... .our anniversary, my birthday.  I understood.  I took care of the kids because I was a stay at home Mom until five years ago.  He maybe changed a dozen diapers with three kids... .maybe.  I didn't spend money.  I was thrifty.  He had a hard time working for someone else so the first eleven years were not financially secure.  Then he became a manufacturer's rep (about six-eight weeks he quit and formed his own manufacturer's rep company).  The job seemed tailored to him.  He could travel and take his clients out to eat, movies, sporting event, golf, charter fishing... .I couldn't believe he could earn money doing this!  He still lived beyond his means so it was feast or famine but overall it was much better and I think he was proud of the job. I really thought that my sacrifices were being stored up... .that I was earning points and that when he found what he was looking for he would be very grateful that I was so patient and finally give me what I wanted.  I'm not sure what that was... .attention?  :)evotion? Appreciation?  An equal partner?  :)uring this separation he said he was always being someone else and never found out who he really was... .that lead to him songwriting and singing.  At first, I supported it but then after living apart I realized he wasn't dealing with the issues that separated us but again finding something else to pursue.  We've had some fights.  I just can't seem to accept this as my fault.  Had it been something else and not so intimate I think I could have continued the life and accepted the singing, band nights, studio time etc.  But I was and likely still am very hurt.  I'm here because the separation has made me question his reactions... .not that all of mine have been good.  I seem to be continually defending myself.  We can't address anything without him just saying "I said that would never happen again"  then later it is "that didn't happen" or "there is nothing wrong with that every guy does it" and of course "if you had ever made me feel loved".  My morals are also questioned which is not unusual.  I went out twice.  Once with a girl that was a friend to a bar (my first) to see what a band does since he wants that to be his career (we weren't getting along for me to tell him about it) and once to a Christian concert by myself.  But he can go motorcycle riding and all the other things he enjoys with his lifestyle and he doesn't see that he's being hypocritical.  

Now we are in the stages of divorce.  I filed because we seem to have been going in circles for four years and when I wanted to hire a lawyer he panicked.  Said I was hiring someone to attack him.  Now he's mad and I think he is ready to fight.  Since I'm making money right now I think he is going to make me pay... .both emotionally and literally. 

Well, I didn't mean to say so much.  

What I want is to talk to a professional that understands personality disorders and can help me sort through all this.  Is it me or him?  I'm in the Chicago area and appreciate any referrals to a good therapist.  Thank you.

[Willowy]

Hello.  I was married at 18 and have been married to the same man for 29 years.  I came from a dysfunctional childhood.  I'm trying to sort things out.  When I found out some hurtful things about my husband I tried to deal with it... .but I discovered he was lying a year and a half later so I sought a therapist.  It was good at that time because I had no one to share this with.  Now we've been seperated for over two years but continually tried to make it work.  We would get together have some fun and then... .well, I became jealous after never being jealous before.  And he couldn't handle it.  Said he wasn't going to live with his mom.  His mom was the most jealous person I ever saw.  I was hurt because I knew that was an issue in his house and I had been very good about not even looking at a waiter in the eyes.  He couldn't handle my hurt.  Was sorry... .sort of... .but felt it was my fault because I never made him feel loved.  That hurt too.  Crushed my spirit further that he blamed me.  Yes, I'm reserved but I feel I did so many things to make him feel loved. He spent all the extra money... .often used money that wasn't extra to buy himself things... .lots of things... .then he would lose interest in them.  He went out with his friends anytime he wanted... .our anniversary, my birthday.  I understood.  I took care of the kids because I was a stay at home Mom until five years ago.  He maybe changed a dozen diapers with three kids... .maybe.  I didn't spend money.  I was thrifty.  He had a hard time working for someone else so the first eleven years were not financially secure.  Then he became a manufacturer's rep (about six-eight weeks he quit and formed his own manufacturer's rep company).  The job seemed tailored to him.  He could travel and take his clients out to eat, movies, sporting event, golf, charter fishing... .I couldn't believe he could earn money doing this!  He still lived beyond his means so it was feast or famine but overall it was much better and I think he was proud of the job. I really thought that my sacrifices were being stored up... .that I was earning points and that when he found what he was looking for he would be very grateful that I was so patient and finally give me what I wanted.  I'm not sure what that was... .attention?  :)evotion? Appreciation?  An equal partner?  :)uring this separation he said he was always being someone else and never found out who he really was... .that lead to him songwriting and singing.  At first, I supported it but then after living apart I realized he wasn't dealing with the issues that separated us but again finding something else to pursue.  We've had some fights.  I just can't seem to accept this as my fault.  Had it been something else and not so intimate I think I could have continued the life and accepted the singing, band nights, studio time etc.  But I was and likely still am very hurt.  I'm here because the separation has made me question his reactions... .not that all of mine have been good.  I seem to be continually defending myself.  We can't address anything without him just saying "I said that would never happen again"  then later it is "that didn't happen" or "there is nothing wrong with that every guy does it" and of course "if you had ever made me feel loved".  My morals are also questioned which is not unusual.  I went out twice.  Once with a girl that was a friend to a bar (my first) to see what a band does since he wants that to be his career (we weren't getting along for me to tell him about it) and once to a Christian concert by myself.  But he can go motorcycle riding and all the other things he enjoys with his lifestyle and he doesn't see that he's being hypocritical.  

Now we are in the stages of divorce.  I filed because we seem to have been going in circles for four years and when I wanted to hire a lawyer he panicked.  Said I was hiring someone to attack him.  Now he's mad and I think he is ready to fight.  Since I'm making money right now I think he is going to make me pay... .both emotionally and literally. 

Well, I didn't mean to say so much.  

What I want is to talk to a professional that understands personality disorders and can help me sort through all this.  Is it me or him?  I'm in the Chicago area and appreciate any referrals to a good therapist.  Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Is it me or is it him?

That question in itself reveals that you're 'okay'.  Why?  Because you can self-reflect and ask that question.  From what you wrote, he would never seriously ask himself if he was the problem.

BPD has been described in the past as a Blamer's Disorder.  The Denial is huge, the blame has to be denied and shifted onto others.  You, as the one closest to him, have borne the brunt of his blaming and blame shifting.  One description of BPD is that the poor behaviors are more evident that closer the relationship.

So one thing you have to understand is that you can't trust what he says or claims.  You need to be able to ask yourself, Is that really so?  Is that the reality or his blaming, manipulation or control efforts?

Another point is that you are so close to him as a spouse that he probably won't really listen to you.  Maybe briefly but probably not on serious matters or for long.  Don't let that dishearten you, it is what it is.  You can't fix him.  He's a big boy, an adult, and improving himself is his responsibility.  Yes you can support him IF he is working on himself but No you shouldn't excuse his poor behaviors.  Solid boundaries are what you need, not appeasement skills.

Are there any children and if any, are they grown?

[takingandsending]

Hello, Willowy, and Welcome to bpdfamily.

As ForeverDad notes, you are not alone in your experiences. Spouses of persons with a personality disorder often wonder if they are at fault for the steady stream of hurts, complaints, arguments, difficulties and conflict that arise in their relationship. Sorting this out can feel like a high mountain to climb. But there are a lot of excellent resources on this web site and also many helpful books. Beyond that, on this forum, you have the opportunity to use other members' experience as a sounding board and reflection of your own experience.

Three years ago, I had many of the same questions that you ask, and I was surprised (and dismayed) to listen and read so many of the stories of other community members so closely mirror my own. It was actually eerie. But, it also validated my experience - I wasn't alone, I wasn't crazy, what I thought/wondered/speculated about really was happening, and I had to accept that I had been acting in a lot of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) in my marriage. Stepping out of that FOG is an ongoing process to rediscovering who I am apart from the disordered thinking of my soon to be ex-wife. A person with BPD so forcefully crashes into, pushes, pulls and undermines the boundaries (strong or weak) of the people they are close to that it is all too common for those people to lose track of what is theirs and what is their spouses. I promise you, you are not at all alone here.

I encourage you to read the resource material about BPD on the top of this page and the communication tools on the right of the Improving board pages. Contact your local NAMI area office for support group meetings with others that have live with or care for someone with a mental illness. NAMI has really great resources. Sounds as if you are already seeing a therapist. Do they have experience with BPD to help you gain the support and assistance that you need?

As far as the divorce process, folks here really recommend the Bill Eddy book, "Splitting" as a comprehensive understanding to what you are likely to encounter in divorcing someone with a personality disorder. Please keep posting here. There are a lot of really good people that can help walk part of this journey with you. And again, welcome to bpdfamily.

[RedPill]

Three years ago, I had many of the same questions that you ask, and I was surprised (and dismayed) to listen and read so many of the stories of other community members so closely mirror my own. It was actually eerie. But, it also validated my experience - I wasn't alone, I wasn't crazy, what I thought/wondered/speculated about really was happening, and I had to accept that I had been acting in a lot of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) in my marriage. Stepping out of that FOG is an ongoing process to rediscovering who I am apart from the disordered thinking of my soon to be ex-wife. A person with BPD so forcefully crashes into, pushes, pulls and undermines the boundaries (strong or weak) of the people they are close to that it is all too common for those people to lose track of what is theirs and what is their spouses. I promise you, you are not at all alone here.

This is so right on. Thank you T&S and welcome Willowy.