she feels like candy covered poison

[lovenloathe]

Some days sweet and others toxic. I have a million fears and concerns for our two daughters. The destructive predictable wake of divorce? Or the slow erratic poison of her wild mood swings, invalidation and horridly disrespectful behavior towards me. Which is the lesser of two evils? Is there a correct path? Is she getting better or is my view of her simply getting colored to her shade of reality?
Or is it possible that I am the sick one? That all her blame that I am the cause of all the family drama and problems somehow true? Could I be that dillusional? I don't think so but I find myself on days when I feel crushed and deflated growing warm to those lies. Does everyone I know actually despise me?

I don't know what to do. This is a good week so far and maybe this is the beginning of where things get better... .isn't this the same thing I've been telling myself for the last 7 years? Is there actual light ahead? When do I leave "hopeful" and land squarely in "squandered". Is it a wasted life to spend it with someone ill that emotionally devastes me, tells me how easy I'd be to replace and begs me to divorce her, yet clings to me so aggressively. I don't know what to do... .

I dream about what it would be like to be married to someone who was excited by me. Who wouldn't act like involving herself with me was a loathed chore. That wanted to touch me. That felt like her promises to me were worth keeping even if they stopped benefiting her. Who wanted to do more then occasionally go out to eat and watch YouTube and waste time on Facebook. I feel whiny. She isn't a horrible person. She has done the most loving things for me, yet somehow doesn't seem to grasp that I need a daily relationship not just occasionally wonderful gifts (namely our two beautiful daughters)

I feel so often alone. Is it my job to stay consistent forever? To hope that my consistency will rub into her mind and "fix" her? Good Lord knows talking to her only makes her angry. There is just so so much anger. And so many reasons to want to leave as fast as possible. But then she can have these ever so brief and rare moments of wonderful honesty and vulnerability. I can see that she can see. And I believe that if that person trapped behind the mask could wake up and take control... .am I falling for a subconscious trick of the disorder or is that a real plot where the real her could grow into the woman I hope her to be.

A million things to think through. I'll stop for now. It's late. I amy read this in the morning and question everything again, erase it all or start over. But for now it is enough.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Emotions]

That's How i felt before I took time away from my ex (recent). I forget that ATM, because all I can recall is how much I miss her. I forget that I always felt like I was boring to be around for her, probably because my energy was sucked out of me. As I have had a couple weeks away, I have come to the realization that I HATE fighting, arguing, or anything like that, and always have. I am one of the most peaceful people I know (can't even kill a mosquito without feeling guilty) and they are blood suckers. However somehow I managed to get in arguments regularly with my ex. I'm not saying I didn't contribute, but given the choice I would have rather had a nice intellectual conversation or even a normal conversation about things. Thanks for listening, good luck.

[Keep]

Loven,

Welcome to this site.  As you linger and read our stories you will find that you are not alone.  Many of us (including me) are suffering and feeling exactly like you are. 

In reading messages like yours I am continually amazed at how similar our circumstances are.  My wife and I have been married 25 yrs and have a 13 yr old son.  She is exactly as you describe... .so exact it is scary.  Your "sweet poison" description is one of the best I have ever seen.  From one second to another you have no idea who she is going to be.  The most loving incredible person, or the demon who is so full of bitterness and rage that you can't recognize her.

This chaos and destruction destroys.  I have come to the resolution that, like a addict or alcoholic, if our Mrs. do not want to be healed, they won't be.  The sinister nature of BPD is that those people can't face the fact they are sick.  As a result, save a miracle, they can't get better.

My situation?  I am trying to hold on until my son leaves the home.  I am trying to protect him, encourage him and help him overcome. He loves his mom greatly and does not want to lose her.  Even so I can see the terrible damage her behavior has done to him.  I guess either way I lose in this regard.  And I also lose personally given the destruction I have suffered.

Better days are on the horizon, I hope.  Somewhere, someday I will experience what normal people do: love, happiness and joy.  That hope is all I have left.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Welcome, lovenloathe. Sorry you're going through this; it's a hell most of us are familiar with. Love the candy covered poison analogy, very fitting. They should have to walk around with a "Mr. Yuck" warning sticker on so they're easier to avoid in the dating pool. 

Regarding the 'correct path' I want to add my view - all please note that it is NOT meant to impugn Keep's decision to stay. There is no one clearcut 'right' answer to whether or not to stay in a BPD marriage 'for the sake of the kids.' We all make the best decision we can, and there can be more than one right decision in this issue. And only -you- can decide what's best for you.

For me personally, I'd rather get out of the toxic relationship so that I can present a healthy model of personhood and  interpersonal relating to the child. If I stay in the toxic relationship, that's the only version of human love and relating the child gets to see; they also, in that space, see me accepting verbal abuse from BPDh, and that's not a lesson I want to instill in them, that this is the way you're supposed to let other people treat you. If I get out, 1. I will be a healthier, happier person _myself_ all around, which is good for my child, 2. I won't be inadvertently sending the message to the kids that you're supposed to let people scream at and verbally abuse you, and 3. At some point, I'll be in a healthy long-term relationship with a non-disordered partner, so the child would get to see what human relationships are actually supposed to be like, which is crucial, because it's what they see as children that they will seek out as adults.

Part of my reason for staying is simply access - my son is my stepson, and BPDh (biological father) will, out of spite, ensure that I never lay eyes on him again if I leave. If he were legally mine and therefore I could have joint custody if I left, I'd already be gone.

But then she can have these ever so brief and rare moments of wonderful honesty and vulnerability... .And I believe that if that person trapped behind the mask could wake up and take control... .am I falling for a subconscious trick of the disorder or is that a real plot where the real her could grow into the woman I hope her to be.

Yeah, most of us are living that fantasy. It's part of why so many Nons get stuck for years, or god help them, decades. People with BPD do not ever magically wake up one day and stop being the way they are. It just doesn't happen. Intense, targeted, loong-term psychotherapy is the only thing that can change them.

I can tell you that I've been on the conflicted fence for about a year; it can take time to pull yourself out of the emotional quicksand of being in love with a pwBPD. Keep asking yourself good questions, like the ones you are here:  "isn't this the same thing I've been telling myself for the last 7 years? Is there actual light ahead? When do I leave "hopeful" and land squarely in "squandered". Is it a wasted life to spend it with someone ill that emotionally devastes me, tells me how easy I'd be to replace and begs me to divorce her... "