Caught in the fog

[Gaslit John]

Hi guys,  I been a lurker on this site for quite a few years.  I have read many posts, lessons and often thought about sharing my own experiences but have so far been somewhat in doubt if I could gain any comfort from this.  I have pretty much no-one I can speak to about our wrecked relationship.  I have been married 23 yrs to my uBPDw and we have 2 girls together who are now 20 and 17.  It has been a very long loong road which I'm sure many of you can relate.  I am just really in a bad spot lately and am not sure if I should just cash in my chips and call it a day.  I'm tired of the relentless hurt that's part of this relationship.  I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled and lonely.  I'm tired of trying so hard for a person that does not even recognize my sacrifice or dedication to our relationship.  Most of all though, I am just real tired of feeling alone.  It's nice to meet you all.

[Lalathegreat]

Nice to meet you John, Welcome to the BPD family! I have found these boards to be an incredible source of advice and comfort, I hope they can be the same for you.

I relate to feeling like I have nobody to talk about this with, sometimes I think that you have to be in one of these relationships to believe it - I stopped trying to get people to understand awhile ago.

I look forward to learning more about you and your situation.

[BeagleGirl]

Welcome.  I think sharing your story here might help with some of the loneliness, so I look forward to hearing more from you.

I too have felt the loneliness and hopelessness you describe.  For me, there's also an aspect of shame that I stayed so very long and doubt from myself and others that it really could have been that bad if I've made it 20+ years.

I have come to see my loneliness as a bit of a gift in the past few months.  While I still would love to have a husband who is my soul mate and loves and cares for me to the extent that I loved and cared for him all these years, I have been learning that some of my loneliness stems from not being comfortable with myself and feeling like I need someone to tell me who I am.  The past several weeks have been a turning point of rediscovering who I am and I kind of like spending time with myself now. 

Not to say that I haven't found the care and understanding on this board invaluable.  I think we do need to know we are not alone, even when we may be feeling lonely.  Being able to hear from and be heard by people who believe us is a blessing.

[Doughboy]

Try reaching out to whatever friends you have that you feel you can trust.  I did this and found that they, every single one, was upset that I even went back the last time... .they took no time pointing out all the ways that I was being manipulated and used.  I was surprised at some of the things they saw that I didn't.  You will amazed at the type of support you can find.

Many of the friends are also friends with her which I found interesting.  They said she has been like this her whole life.  When I asked them if anyone spoke to her about it they all said no... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey John, Welcome!  Glad that you have come out of the shadows.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Often the Non becomes a caretaker in a BPD r/s, which is a way of avoiding self-care.  What I'm suggesting is that you start caring for yourself again, by putting yourself first.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  What is the right path for YOU?  Your task, I suggest, is to address those questions.  I lost myself for a while there in a BPD r/s, which was not fun.  Maybe you can relate?  It's about finding your way out of the BPD woods.

LuckyJim

[Gaslit John]

Thank you all for the kinds words, advice, and empathy.  I am sorry for the delayed response as I have been working many hours.  My work is very physical and outdoors so I am exhausted by days end and ready for bed.  This is also why I have been reluctant create a thread or to post anything as my responses may lag.  I don't want anyone to feel I don't appreciate their time or effort in sharing in my post.  So please understand my response time may have relative gaps. 

Anyway, Self-care is very important I agree.  Thanks for pointing this out LuckyJim as I am usually quite strong and secure in myself but recently my father passed away.  This is where the weakness in my armor began.  It seems as tho I do really well as long as I don't really need a partner. (which is most of the time)  I have learned that I can not rely on my wife to promote my well being.  This comes from me and has for a very long time. 

My uBPDw has just been plain difficult, rude, insensitive, and absent in my time of need.  My father became very ill.  I spent many hours in the hospital over the last several months.  I handled all his decisions, his placement in a nursing home, then arranged his funeral a couple months later.  It was very taxing.  And to my surprise the passing of my father also brought on a flood of emotion relating to the passing of my mother 20 years prior.  It has been the most difficult time of my life and still is even though it's been 6 months since he passed.

During this difficult time I knew I could not rely on comfort from my wife as highly charged emotional times are hard for her.  I know this.  I did not expect any comfort to come from her.  But I didn't expect the accusations of cheating or being asked continually "what's your problem?", "who is she? you're acting so messed up.", "you don't love me do you?", "All you care about is your family.  Why don't we just get a divorce?"  "You don't care about me!".

She had me followed by a P.I.  She became a member of various sites that allow you to track people and dig up private info so she could "catch me".  I could go on and on with the list of truly hurtful, inconsiderate actions on her part but I think you all get the picture.

Usually I'm equipped to deal with her and have my wits about me but through all this I have to say I have became quite lost and frustrated.  I'm not my usual self.  I am not in a place to handle her non-sense and self-centered ideals.  I'm trying to grieve and regroup but she is making is very difficult.  All I really wish she would do is stop making it worse.  I don't want her to fix anything.  I just wish she could be quiet if the things she says are going be so severely lacking empathy or insight for what I am going thru. She can't.  Right now I don't need her or even want her around me.  It's hard to watch her be so great to other people and treat me like she could give a sh** less.  I'm in a bad spot because of me.  It's because of my life situation at hand.  It will pass, I know.  Maybe I'm just venting.  I don't know.  But I constantly think about the future.  This bs wears me out.  I'm 47 years old.  I am uncertain if I'll have the energy for this when I'm 60, 65, or 70.  Things to consider... .I dream of a truly peaceful life.

[Me-Time]

John, I'm with you. I've only been married for two years but I've been through the mill, on and off again, almost divorcing, not going through with it, trying again. Something happened recently where I just came to the decision I can't do this anymore... .and this is my final answer. I'm filing the papers. This is A LOT of work and it's not what I wanted for my life. It's not just going to go away. There's an excellent set of articles that describes how you could respond to someone with BPD and increase your chances of more positive interactions. You'll find them by Googling "How to respond to Borderline provocations". But again, it's a lot of work. And I've built up so much resentment about everything at this point that I can't see myself being able to adeptly manage a course of action on the hope that things might get better. I'm normally a very patient, understanding person. But I just came to the decision that I am 49 and I had visions of where I wanted my life to go. Everyone has bumps in the road and life throws curves and you always have something to deal with. But this constant negativity and creating drama in an otherwise very happy environment is not for me. It has turned my life upside down in every area. I don't want to sound like I'm suggesting you do the same as me, but in some way, I hope you find it validating that if you do choose to leave your situation, there are others who are feeling the way you are. And it's actually ok to take care of yourself and come to a realization that maybe this isn't something you can handle. That's actually quite insightful and a healthy response.

[Lucky Jim]

I like what you're saying, Me-Time. 

But this constant negativity and creating drama in an otherwise very happy environment is not for me. It has turned my life upside down in every area.

That's a realistic observation about your personal limits, which I find healthy.

LJ