new to this site, have an adult son with BPD

[Skritty]

Hello
My son has been diagnosed with BPD. He has struggled for the past few years with job loss, drug abuse, criminal activity resulting in incarceration, and a very poor relationship with family. He can be verbally and physically abusive and destructive of property. I have struggled with properly dealing with him (I am his father) for many years, we have had a poor relationship since he was a teenager. I take responsibility for my part in our poor relationship and unfortunately some of my attitudes and actions continue from the past, which only exacerbates the situation. I am now trying to learn as much as I can about BPD and I need to change the way I react and deal with my son, not only to better supportive of him, but to also eliminate any contribution I am making to his stress. He does acknowledge that he is suffering from BPD, but refuses to engage in any sort of treatment or therapy. I decided to join this board just to be able to share my situation and perhaps get some help along the way.

Thank you for reading my post.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Skritty

Welcome to the forum. I'm so glad you've found us and you've come to the right place. BPD is devastating and exhausting to deal with and wreaks havoc on relationships.

My BPDs26 returned him at 24 following a crisis and dx. This was the third time he's come home. THIS time I was determined things were going to be different. Our relationship had broken down, he was deeply depressed, no job, no money, no possessions, a drug user. He did not want treatment. We started from scratch.

Fast forward 18 months, we have a better relationship, despite the problems. It can be achieved and this forum has been our life saviour. I figured out, that regardless of the choices he makes in life, he's going to need us to unconditionally love him. My BPDs has responded positively to this change in approach and is now functioning and has reached a point to seek treatment. It's been steady progress with ups and downs!

You've said that you can see how your own behaviours have negatively affected your relationship with your son. Me too! Is your son talking to you at the moment?

How old is your son?  I found my BPDs grabbed the diagnosis and wore it like a cloak then he got scared and felt his life was going to be ruined. My son doesn't rage he internalises so it's difficult to know how he's feeling.

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD (top right hand side of this page). The more I learned the more I understood about my BPDs limitations and why he behaves the way he does. When we know better, we do better. I stopped reacting to him. I got myself a simple plan to help me focus on my priorities and this helped me ignore the small stuff. Better communication and validation skills were vital and the tools here can help you. Better boundaries and limits are also really important. There's a lot and it can get overwhelming so it's one step at a time, its not a race. Sadly there's no quick fix.

There's a huge amount of help here, not just in the information and skills but from the other parents who listen, share and guide. We each are unique, you don't have to take the advice, it's about exploring and finding a way forwards for you as a family.

Is your son living away from home?

LP

[Skritty]

Hi LP
Thank you for your response.
Our son is 33 years old. He does not reside with us, over the last 2 years he has been in and out of several different homes. He is currently staying with my sister-in-law and her family. Like your situation, our son has been in and out of our home several times in the past (same issues as your son with no job, no money, drug abuse, criminal activity), but due to his rage and violence, we had to have him physically removed from our home several times, and he has not resided with us for about 1.5 years. There have been several violent altercations requiring police involvement, with charges being laid (he assaulted his mother), convictions resulting. Currently all his legal matters have been resolved. He also has a child of his own, whom he has not seen in about 6 months (a HUGE stressor in his life) , as he is also aliened from the mother of his child (their relationship was also destroyed, with violent altercations and police involvement). There has been a no contact order in place between my son and the mother of his child which is due to expire soon. We are trying to convince his child's mother to allow him access to his child. We have access and a reasonably good relationship with her.
All of us have been in a very reactionary mode when dealing with him. We are still reacting to his words and get into confrontational situations regularly, particularly with his mother. We all struggle greatly to control our own reactions to him. I personally have really tried very hard not to react to his words, but unfortunately he has a bad habit of escalating his words and behavior until he gets a desired reaction. Trying to remain calm and unreactionary to him seems to challenge him to simply escalate higher and higher until he gets the reaction he seems to want.
He readily admits that he has a mental condition but is unwilling to do anything regarding treatment or therapy. His position is that his family needs to simply accept his condition and deal with it properly. I see that is definitely part of the solution, hence why I joined this forum.
We are face constantly with very difficult choices to make in very challenging situations. We have employed some of the strategies I am reading on this site, such as setting boundaries. He has little to no respect for most of the boundaries and regularly challenges them, leading to verbal and physical altercations. We feel very powerless to deal with the situation and have so far regularly fallen into reactionary modes. Another problem is how we feel towards him, alternatively sympathetic and condemning, depending on what is happening at that moment. Many times we try to avoid him because of his unpredictable behavior. I myself struggle even to have conversations with him due to his unpredictability; many times his language and attitudes are so outrageous I just zone out and do not listen to him. I see that active listening is a very important part of dealing with BPD and is a skill I need to learn to employ with him. This is also one of those past behaviors I referred to. My relationship with him has been poor for several years, as his life choices over many years have been poor (he has been involved with drug trafficking, theft, and other criminal activity). I have had a dismissive attitude towards him for several years due to this. I don't believe he has become a chronic criminal, he is a better person than that and says he no longer wants to be involved with criminal activity, but unfortunately his success in past criminal activity is the one are of his life he takes some pride in. He feels that is the only area of his life where he felt successful and respected by others.
I certainly can see there is no quick fix to this, and that knowledge is power. I have ordered a couple of books online on BPD. All I really know is we cannot continue to live with this hugely stressful situation.
Thank you for your interest in our situation.
Skritty.

[Skritty]

An update to our situation. Since my last post, there have been improvements in our BPDs33's situation and relationship with us. He has visited our home 2 or 3 times, I have spent some time with him working on his car, and there was a noted reduction in his "ramping" behavior. He has secured regular employment (back with an employer who had terminated his employment about 2 years ago, which was a catalyst in a big downward spiral in him), he starts this job today (more on that below). He has still not seen his child; the protection order that the mother of his child had in place has expired, so he can now contact her to try to see his child, if he wishes. He has not done so as yet.
Unfortunately, after a week or so of improved interaction with him (since my previous post of May 7), last night we had a return of his "ramped up" behavior. He came over to our house, had been working on another vehicle he possesses, and asked to have a shower. He seemed to be ok. Then, after his shower, he came to me and asked me when I had last seen his son (our grandchild). I told him the truth, which was our grandchild had been to our home about 3 weeks prior. My BPDs33 accused me of lying, as he saw "evidence" that our grandchild had been over to our home more recently (no validity to this evidence, but he did not accept my explanation). He then proceeded to do what he so often does, which is to go through the litany of the perceived wrongs that have we have done to him over the last few years. I will give him credit, though, he did not get as angry as he has in the past. I did my best to use some of the strategies I have learned on this site and through books (active listening, distracting the conversation). Another feature now is that since we have had an improvement in our relationship in the past week or so, and he recognizes our work in understanding him and his affliction (although he still refuses to seek treatment or therapy), he now has an expectation that our relationship will "fast-track" and he expect major improvements, which for him is access to our home and garage for his own use (in fact he wants me to relinquish my garage to him, he wants to bring his tools and other items into my garage, have access whenever he wants etc). He brought items with him and put them in my garage    (I was trying to let the small things go - not arguing about some items he wants to put in my garage). I see his desire to having unlimited access to my home and garage as a boundary I am unwilling to cross - I tried to explain this to him, but he simply started to "ramp up" and accused me of not wanting to move the relationship forward. As I noted his demeanor was calmer, but the language and accusations were just as outrageous as ever. In addition, he also says we are not doing enough to gain him access to his child. We have told him that this is his battle to fight - we are willing to be supportive, but he needs to "drive the bus" on this. He continued with his badgering for a couple of hours, and finally left. I was again left exhausted and feeling like I never wanted him to come over to our home again (a common feeling I am left with after an interaction with him). Then, I decided to really think clearly about what just happened and why. One thing that occurred to me was that he often gets "ramped up" when faced with an upcoming stressful situation - we have seen this in the past when things like a court date is eminent. So it occurred to me that this apparent "regression" in his behavior may be related to the fact that he starts his job back with his current employer today and this "regression" occurred last night. So perhaps he only behaved this way due to the stress of thinking about a return to a work environment that he had been fired from 2 years ago. That thought gave me a lot of relief.
I find it very cathartic to put this in a post on this site, and I thank anyone who chooses to read this.
Skritty

[Lollypop]

Hi skritty

You're most probably very right about the trigger being anxiety about his job. When I see my DS stressed I first think of the basics: Hunger, tiredness, GF probs, work relationship etc.  It's not normally me triggering him any more. I pick my moments now to talk about anything serious, feed him up, wait til he's cleaned up and not in any arguments with anybody. It's tricky but I've learnt this is my best way for him to be able to listen. He finds it very difficult to listen when stressed out.

I like to do re-dos.  If I feel I could have responded better or showed that I was really listening or even that I cared abut what was going on with him I try again. Mostly face to face but I have called or text. I judge it. "Oh, you know I was thinking about the other day and I can see how you were really finding the situation difficult... .I just wanted you to know that... .". SET support, empathy, truth.  I love re-dos.  Even when I dont get the re-do quite right at least DS can see and hear that I care about him.  We all want the same thing: to be loved and understood.

It sounds like you're making great headway working together on the cars.
Well done you for working out the trigger!  I hope his work day went ok for him,

LP

[Skritty]

Thank you, LP
I decided to text our BPDs33 first thing yesterday morning and wish him well at his new job. Just to indicate to him I was past what happened the night before.
He came over again last night, and as is his pattern after a "ramp-up" session, his behavior was fine as if nothing happened the night before. I asked him how his first day at work went, and he felt it went well. I also mentioned I thought he seemed to be a bit concerned the night before about the return to his job, and he admitted he was nervous and stressed. I said that made sense by his behavior the night before.
We chatted a bit more, he was in a fairly good mood. He then left.
Is that what you mean by a re-do?
Skritty

[Lollypop]

Hi Skritty

Indeed it is!

Really all it entails is demonstrating to them that you've been thinking about them since the last conversation, it gives you the chance to get the conversation right the second time around - maybe you reflected on the conversation, as you did, and understood afterwards that maybe you could have handled it a bit better.  I find re-dos just great as long as they're done in reasonable time following the first conversation.  I found this helpful when I was practising my new skills, I didn't always get it right so I tried to do a re-do.  I still do them now - it kind of reinforces that you care about them too and that you're really trying to understand them.

Well done you. 

LP

[Skritty]

Thanks for the encouragement!
I have a question. When our BPDs33 comes over and it becomes evident that he is "ramping up", would it be appropriate to try to understand what stress is occurring that creates the behavior? I mean by asking questions - but I don't want to further aggravate him. I thought this may be a way to diffuse his anger by getting him to talk about what is triggering him at that moment.
Skritty

[Lollypop]

Hi skritty

I can only say from my experience that didn't work too well. I spent many years asking questions instead of listening. My digging made it worse. Even now, if I ask a question, my DS may not really know himself and he'd say "I don't know" or "everything". His thoughts get very confused when he's stressed. I try to stay open hearted, warm and I listen if he wants me to. If it's clear he's really anxious I try to use SET: statement, empathy and truth.

I'm on my phone right now and struggling to add a link in for you to read. Got it!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

In an ensuing rise it's best if you can to centre it back to where the responsibility lies. Using your own words it might sound like this:

I really care about and I know you're doing your very best right now.

I can see your feeling anxious about something and that's not always easy to work out what's causing it. That's incredibly frustrating I know.

I'm here for you if you want to talk about it, it'll help me understand better and maybe help you work things out in your mind.

Sometimes I don't need to SET at the beginning but at the end (using different words - strong empathy) because he's happy to share and vent.

I'm hope this helps.

[Skritty]

Thanks, LP
He came over again last night to ask my opinion about his two vehicles. He has a fairly new vehicle, and a much older vehicle that requires major work. His plan is to sell the newer vehicle to provide funds to restore the older vehicle. He wanted my opinion on this plan. Of course, his plan is poorly conceived, will create problems in his life (he has shown in the past that he gets extremely frustrated when he does not have a vehicle at his disposal), so I asked him to really think about this choice. He got frustrated with my answer, it became evident he didn't want my opinion, just validation of his plan. So I backed away from my opinion, and expressed understanding of what he was trying to achieve, but tried to point out what the consequences would be. I also said he seemed to be stressed, and asked if there was something else bothering him? He said yes, he had been thinking about contacting the mother of his child to be able to see his son (which he has not yet done since the protection order expired) and then went on a rant about the mother of his child. Expressing this (and I did use empathy statements as he was expressing this) did bring his mood down, and he started talking more realistically about his vehicle plans.
I appreciate the info on SET, this is going to be difficult as we still struggle with the statements he makes (so outrageous, he says the most derogatory things about us that are extremely hurtful - I have to admit that I feel like using these strategies is simply allowing him to make these ridiculous statements and get away with it, but then I realize this is part of coping). Another problem is my wife (his mother) struggles very much to control her reactions to him. She is not part of my involvement with this website, she does understand that things need to change when reacting to him, but she has her own difficulties to deal with (health issues, struggles with abuse that occurred in her own childhood). So at least in our household I am left to deal with our son. I do get support from my other son and his wife, as well as my wife's sister and husband (our son is staying with them).
I will continue on this path to helping ourselves and our son to get to a better place.
LP, I thank you very much for being a lifeline. I very sincerely appreciate your feedback and guidance.
Skritty

[Lollypop]

Hi skritty

My H was very reluctant to engage in me changing my approach, learning new skills etc. I carried on regardless despite his constant criticism and doubt - he was at a different stage to me. I understood that and saw he needed my patience. By me demonstrating these new behaviours my family very slowly started to mirror me. My H caught on and validates very well now - he still moans though!

This isn't a race. It takes time. You're doing great.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skritty]

Hi LP
I hope my wife will eventually follow in my footsteps as you describe your husband has. I too recognize my wife is at a different stage. I will continue on with my newfound knowledge and approach.
Another update, our BPDs33 finally got to see his son! They had dinner together night before last. I was overjoyed to hear that from my son last night and gave him a big hug when he told me. They both needed to see each other.
His visit again went pretty positive. Things seem to be back on track to improvement.
I can't thank you and this website enough. A lifesaver
Skritty

[Skritty]

Haven't posted for a couple of weeks, as things have improved. Our BPDS33 has been working regularly, still staying at our my in-laws. He comes to our house almost daily, and for the most part his visits are fairly calm. There have been a couple of poor visits, but it is becoming clearer that, when they occur, there is a trigger of some kind. Lately the triggers usually involve his child and ex-girlfriend; legal action has been taken to allow him to have access to his child, but it takes a bit of time, and one thing his is not is patient.
Then came last night. He came to our house and it was evident from the start he was agitated. He purposely dove into subjects and issues that he knew would begin an argument. We did our best to ignore the words and stay focused on his emotions, but as usual that does not work well. Full on accusations of all the wrongs that he has felt he has suffered because of us, all of which is entirely our fault (as far as he is concerned). He continued to escalate his language and pick at old scars until it erupted into a full blown confrontation. We had to have him removed from our home, fortunately without police involvement.
Just shows you the long road to any sort of normalcy. Just when you feel as though things are moving forward, when these outbursts occur, you feel as though no progress has been made. We do recognize the trigger was likely again his situation with his child (the mother has now gone out of town for about 10 days with the child, she left a couple of days ago), as well he is trying to find a place of his own to live and that is proving very difficult.
Thank you to anyone who reads this. Just sharing in this environment is very helpful to me.
Skritty

[Mamadukes]

Hi Skritty,

I have just been drawn into reading your posts. I feel so much kinship with your desire to find better ways to be supportive of your son and to communicate with him better (not to mention just being able to cope better with being around him sometimes). It is all so so difficult.

My BPDs27 is in a relatively amazing stage right now because he's finally in the right treatment for the first time ever, after some 13 years in and out (mostly out) of treatment and dealing with tremendous pain and despair, plus substance dependence. It sure can be a long, arduous and winding road before they are able to connect with the right treatment. Don't give up on that possibility. But, of course, that will have to come from your son, someday. Maybe you'll find that the better your communication and involvement gets, it might be possible eventually for you to start planting seeds about treatment. Maybe. Eventually.

Meanwhile, once we got the BPD diagnosis (the beginning of this year), I immediately saw some really positive effects from ME learning as much as I can about the disorder and how to be supportive and communicate with him in helpful ways. I believe you're on the right track, exploring!

One of my favorite books from when I first delved in is The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger. This book is very comprehensive and very practical. I also highly recommend a new book called Beyond Borderline, True Stories of Recovery, edited by Gunderson and Hoffman. It's a compilation of 24 stories from patients about their experience with recovery. Amazing, and none of it is easy, and it ain't over just because you start good treatment (my son now).

Also, have you discovered Family Connections at NEABPD? Click on the "Family" tab at  www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/.
I'm on the waiting list for their 12-week program for family members (which they also offer in a tele-communications version), and also I LOVE these family guidelines: www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/family-guidelines/

All the tools in the sidebar at the right of this page are great too. I'm sure you're looking around at all of this stuff. I've just found it all to be tremendously helpful. Of course, still, nothing is easy. But that's the beauty of tapping in to the resources and the literature: nobody knows like the families and the sufferers how incredibly difficult this disorder is. But, seriously, there is hope, and there is recovery.

Keep in touch!
MamaD

[Mamadukes]

Just shows you the long road to any sort of normalcy. Just when you feel as though things are moving forward, when these outbursts occur, you feel as though no progress has been made.

Oh boy Skritty, I just finished posting here and I found that there were a few more recent posts in this thread that I had not seen yet.

And your feeling of setback in this last post is so poignant bc my son just came in from hanging out with a friend (this is huge recent progress for him; he has been isolated for many months)... .and now he just felt like he HAD to tap into his dwindling supply of suboxone (opioid treatment) and he's on the verge of running out before his next script, which could mean withdrawal, ugh... .

Anyway, yeah, it is indeed a long road and it is so incredibly supportive to have peers literally at our fingertips! And I'm happy to say, nevertheless, that this interlude just now with my son was very very very different than it would've been 6 months, or a year, or five years ago... .because we are BOTH learning skills. He even asked what I'm doing at the computer, and I told him it's a forum for BPD families, and he was glad for me

Later!

 

[Skritty]

Hi Marmadukes
Thank you for reading my post. It is very helpful to hear from others such as yourself that have suffered through this - but when I hear you say your son has been in and out of treatment for 13 years, it makes me realize a couple of things. First, the deterioration of my son's mental state has only been for the last 2-3 years, however looking back I definitely see the signs have been there for many more years. Second, the real pain and suffering that we have felt is relatively recent. I can't imagine dealing with this for another 10 years!
Thank you as well for the links, I will be exploring those. I have been and continue to learn as much as I can about BPD. I think the next milestone we need to hit is our son becoming self-aware of his behavior and triggers. Up to now he just lets his emotions take over. The pattern I see now is he becomes stressed and agitated by triggers outside of myself and my wife, then comes over to our house to release this stress by picking a fight. He is relentless once he starts one of these ramping sessions. I hope to develop better skills to cope and prevent adding to his escalations, but it is extremely difficult when he just will not stop once he starts. We just stand there and get berated until eventually he tires of it; this can take several hours. Extremely exhausting for both him and ourselves. My in-laws are really trying to make him aware of his behavior; I am hoping he listens to them at some level. For him to seek treatment is a long distant dream right now.
I wish you the best in your situation. Thank you for your support!
Skritty

[Skritty]

Hi Marmadukes
I have now signed up for the tele-communications version of the 12 week program.

Thanks for the info!
Skritty

[Fie]

Hello Skritty 

I read your story and I wanted to pop in to tell you that I think you are doing a wonderful job.
Your son is really lucky to have you as a dad.

The dynamics in my FOO are different, as my mother is the one with BPD. I am usually on the 'parent with BPD' board. So I am not entirely sure if the communication methods are the same if it is your child having BPD - but I suppose they are. Maybe other members can tell you if I am correct or not.
 
 I cannot help but wondering if it's a good idea to let your son berate you and your wife for hours non stop. I think boundaries can be useful here. What do you think about something in the line of 'I can see that you are feeling very stressed. I understand it must be difficult for you to feel ... .(fill in). I think it is better for us to talk at another moment, when the situation is more calm. I will ask you to leave now, and I will contact you tomorrow to ask you how you are.'

In the short run maybe an extinction burst can be expected. But I think in the long run this could be better for everyone involved. Not only for your son (his relationship with you may improve) but also for you and your wife. Because this sort of thing can be exhausting. And no one wants to be berated - even if we understand the underlying pattern / cause.

What do you think ?

[Skritty]

Hi Fie
I think you are absolutely correct. But actually doing this and making it work is another matter. He does not accept any push back when he is in one of his "ramp up" sessions. We have stated to him that it would be better that he leave and cool down and we talk when he is calmer. His response is more or less "I want to talk about it now!" The only strategy that has any impact on him is to have a third person in the home, he tends to move through his ramping more quickly, especially when that third person suggests as well he should cool down and talk when he is calmer.
Unfortunately he has no respect for boundaries. He is furious that he does not have open access to our home and garage. Our in-laws have made some in-roads on advising him that his anger towards his parents will not get him what he wants. He left me a letter today, asking for things to "go back to normal" (i.e. having access to our home when he wants), and that he realizes he cannot communicate verbally with us except in anger. I am hoping this is a starting point for him to become self-aware. I am going to try to have a conversation with him to discuss a "return to normal" and what will be expected of him if that is even considered. I feel he needs to demonstrate that he can control his angry outbursts before I can even consider this idea.
Skritty

[Skritty]

Sadly we have had a major reversal in my son's situation. Over the last few weeks we have seen a return to previous behavior not seen is quite some time. He is back to theft. He has started bringing goods to ours and his aunt/uncle's home that are newer, and his story is "someone just gave this to me". Also we are seeing signs of delusional thoughts - he is back to thinking he is being followed by authorities, and he spouts delusional conspiracy-theory nonsense. Both these behaviors had disappeared about a year ago, they had led to more and more criminal activity to the point where he was arrested, charged and convicted. We had hoped all this was behind him.
He also has been very agitated and picked several fights with both us, and now in his aunt/uncles home, to the point where last night they asked him to leave. His aunt/uncle have been absolutely super supportive of him, taking him into their home, trying to be as supportive of him as possible. Unfortunately as he always does, he wore out his welcome by being belligerent, argumentative, disruptive and finally threatening violence to one of his cousins in that home, which has now led to him being asked to leave. He spent last night at our house, but we cannot allow him to live with us as he can be very, very threatening and violent, especially towards his mother (my wife). We are again at wits end in knowing what to do. I am so sad that all the progress we made recently seems now to be wiped out. In addition we have been working with a lawyer to gain him regular access to his child, but he was to be paying child support, and continue to have a stable environment to live in. He has not paid any support, and now he has lost his stable living environment. He has a court date in about 2.5 weeks, and if he is in this same situation he will not be given access to his child.
He cannot deal at all with the stress of daily living, never mind trying to cope with his condition. Just going to work regularly is a huge struggle for him; this and other normal daily life activities are very stressful for  him. And this is bringing about more and more inappropriate behavior. I do not know where this is going to end up for him.
His aunt/uncle have been trying to coach him to get professional help, but he absolutely refuses. He did say he would go to counselling if we (parents) went with him as well. We have tried that twice before, and it starts off fine, but as soon as he is confronted in any way by the professional in terms of his thinking and behavior and their effects, he stops going to the sessions, and my wife and I end up going without him. All he wants from these sessions is validation that everything that has happened is not his responsibility in any way, and that we are the cause of all his problems. He constantly tells me that we will be shaken to our core once we understand our role in his situation. He intimates that there is some "deep dark secret" that will come out in these sessions and we will be devastated when we learn it.
He needs to become self-aware and seek the help he needs, but he is so far away from that it is not even on the radar screen.

[Skritty]

This will be my last post. My son has completely disengaged from any idea of seeking help. He is in total denial and our relationship has completely deteriorated. I can no longer be of any help to him. All the animosity, raging, threatening, lack of respect for boundaries has completely returned full bore. He has ransacked our house looking for who knows what, been very abusive towards both of us (his parents), has completely disengaged from attempting to seek access to his son through legal means and is back to allowing the mother of his son dictate his access (a complete reversal of his position on this - he has gone through this before and his ex puts ridiculous demands on him that he has to meet before he can see his son). He continues to blame everyone else for his situation. His contradictory language is still the same - "I know I am to blame but it is all your fault".
Sadly until he becomes self-aware and decides to do something about his demons I cannot assist him any longer. Thanks to all who have read my posts, and to those who have responded. This website was a lifeline for a time but I don't think I will bother with this direction any longer.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Oh, Skritty, I am so very sorry for your anguish.  It is heartbreaking to watch our children self-destruct and so hard to not be sucked into that vortex right along with them.  You are right to take care of yourselves first - sometimes we just have to do this.

I hope you do keep posting occasionally, just for yourself.  We parents need validation too!  I will be hoping and praying that your son becomes more self-aware of his own destructive behaviours.  I am so sorry, I understand and I empathize so much.

MomMae 

[wendydarling]

Dear Skritty

I'm so sorry for your pain, you have had enough, you are right to stand back from the drama and look after your self and rest as best you can. I hope a day comes where your son is able to accept he needs help, you saw a glimmer of that sometime ago, sometimes things get worse before they get better.

It's often at these most difficult of times, reaching out here to members helps us through, we are here for you Skritty when you need us, you're not alone.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Good luck Skritty. Blessings to you and your wife.

If you ever need to vent or feel the need to update your situation then please do so. You'll be missed.

Time to take care of yourselves. You've done your very best and it's up to him now.

Hugs

LP