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Author Topic: being honest with BPD about newfound knowledge  (Read 442 times)
Skritty

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: May 07, 2017, 09:38:42 AM »

Hi I have a question.
Is it wise to share newfound knowledge of BPD with a person suffering with this disorder (they acknowledge they have it)? I want to start down the path of healing with my BPDS33 and I feel compelled to start by sharing some of what I have learned (which is really a lot in just a few short hours) with him. He has brought me articles about BPS, active listening etc which I promptly ignored because one of my bad habits is to be dismissive of anything he brings to me.
Any advise would be welcome.
Skritty
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2017, 11:37:22 AM »

Hi Shritty 

I relate to your question with members here.

I found it's not about sharing what 'I' have learnt and 'imposing' that on my DD, running in there to save, expect her to do what she obviously can't, is invalidating. It's not about me at all, it's about truly understanding our child's journey, and this involves listening with empathy, stepping in their shoes and being present. Rather than constantly banging against them and causing reactions that hurt them and us. That is my personal experience, empathy comes first.

It sounds like your son is reaching out to you, he is looking to connect with you, for you to listen first and then validate and then see how it goes.
Standing back and listening with empathy can help them lead the way https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Does this make sense to you? It's early days, taking time out for us to think is helpful, this is no race.

Small steps and hope.

WDx

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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Skritty

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« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2017, 05:24:24 PM »

Hi WDx
That does make sense to me. I spent a few hours with my son today working on his car, and simply listened to what he had to say. There were moments that were extremely frustrating because of what he was saying. I did my best not to react but to simply listen and pay more attention to how he was saying things, rather than the words (which at times were absolutely ridiculous). I also found myself occasionally engaging in distracting conversation when he did say inappropriate things. Didn't work every time but a few times.

I came away from our time together feeling better than any of the times in recent memory. It was not perfect, but there were some good moments. I will spend further time learning about his condition and how to work with him.

Today was a good start. Thank you to everyone that has contributed to this website.
Skritty
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wendydarling
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« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2017, 02:08:14 AM »

Hi Skritty

I'm glad you had some good moments with your son and you came away feeling better than any of the times in recent memory. I hope your son felt the same. What do you think of the BPD information he provided you? He's looking for your feedback.  Is your son in treatment, want treatment?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Skritty

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« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2017, 07:00:08 AM »

The BPD information he provided was good, much of it the same as what I find on this site. When he gave me the information, he tore off a last section of the document and would not tell me why. I found the information he provided on line, and the part he tore off was the part about treatment and therapy. Which reinforces what he has said all along - he says he does not need treatment, all that needs to happen is for his family to deal with his problems.
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Loveson

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« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2017, 11:42:50 AM »

I would like to ask a question about this discussion in relation to my son.  Not sure if anyone will read it, but I'd appreciate any feedback.

My 32 yr old son is very good at verbally pushing issues, needing to be right, seeing himself as the victim and me the bad guy, his brother the bad guy, everybody the bad guy.

He's only happy when I "give in" and am passive.

I know that they need to be heard and validated.  How do I do this without being the doormat he wants?  He wants to control me, to convince me that he needs help financially, goes off the rails if I don't agree, becomes suicidal and shuts down when I say no to giving him money, because he sees himself as trying to get his life together and I don't care at all.

Any feedback welcome, thank you!
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Skritty

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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2017, 06:14:27 AM »

Hi Loveson
Your situation sounds very similar to ours. My BPDs33 behaves much the same way. We too have struggled and given in to him in order to try to make him happy, but ultimately it doesn't work. I found this website very recently and have started to use the information here, starting at the BPD Family Connections at the top right of the page where it says "Start Here!" No easy way to do this, but I realize that we had to start somewhere with doing something different.
Has your son been diagnosed with anything?
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Loveson

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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2017, 11:03:52 AM »

Thank you for the reply! 

My son has been diagnosed with depression and PTSD, but there's no way in the world that's correct.  His dad was a Borderline, and my son fits all 9 criteria.  He says himself he has all the signs.  Now I've found him a good psychiatrist but he's not going.  Frustrating.

I'm glad to hear that it hasn't worked for you either to give in, although I know the turmoil and pain that causes - I don't feel so crazy knowing I'm not alone.  I guess I'm worried he's going to be homeless or hungry, given his spotty work history and being in the music industry doesn't make much money.   My need to rescue him is so strong.  I don't try to rescue other people in my life - it's him because he's so unstable.  Hard for us to sit by and watch them when we know that if we just pay the rent when they're fired they'll find another job soon... .yet that ends, so there I am giving money yet again.  It's a no-win situation.

My son tries very hard to keep his life together, which is a good sign, but along the way gets into a lot of problems like his new heroin use and suicide threats.

Maybe if I just accept that it will always be difficult I'll be happier?  Haha... .yikes I'm just tired of the whole thing.

thank you.     
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wendydarling
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2017, 07:17:52 PM »

Hi Skritty and Loveson

Skritty have you thought your son tore off the information about treatment because he wanted you to read the information, learn, begin to understand the disorder and for you to both start there together at the beginning of his journey?  People with BPD need an empathetic person who understands (fully understands without judgement how they feel and their personal challenges), someone they trust and is a constant. Perhaps your son is 'thinking' of treatment and looking to see if you are able to walk the path with him at his pace. 

Loveson, you are in a difficult situation and you clearly recognise rescuing your son is not sustainable for anyone. He says himself he has all the signs of BPD though not attending the psychiatrist. Do you think he'd accept a clear diagnosis, it'd be a relief?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Skritty

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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2017, 10:18:34 PM »

WDz
If you asked me that question a month ago I would have argued with you. But with what I have learned since discovering this site, I think your comments are very valid. One thing I have learned (among many other things) is that the messages my BPSDs33 has been trying to communicate and my reactions and predisposed assumptions based on our past history have hindered my ability to really listen to what he is saying. Active listening and not reacting to his outrageous words, are the keys to moving forward, at least at this point. All this may seem obvious to many of you but as a seemingly mature, successful adult that I believe I am, one of the lessons I am learning is my previous assumptions, attitudes and realities weren't always accurate. I feel so fortunate that I found this website, and to be able to communicate with people like you and the others in this forum, is giving me new life, tools, and capabilities, to release the shackles of well-worn paths that led us nowhere. This is coming from a 58 year old man that thought he knew how to deal with my own as well as others lives. Please believe me when I say I am truly bearing my soul in ways I never knew I could.
Saying all that probably seems like I am taking responsibility for everything that has occurred between our family and our son. I also realize that he has his own demons to deal with. But more than ever, I think I can truly come up with a plan to move forward. At least that is how I feel right now. I hope and pray that this is the case, a major motivator right now is looking forward; in so many ways; to a better relationship with our son, to more interaction on this forum to inspire and help me and our family move forward with our son. I feel better now than in a long time. I thank everyone who decides to read this.
Skritty
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wendydarling
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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2017, 11:36:42 AM »


Always here for a healthy discussion Skritty   Thought I'm so pleased you are feeling relief, better than you have in a long time  Smiling (click to insert in post). It's so hard when we don't know! Look forward to walking this path with you, and yes bpdfamily has made it possible for me to learn, change, grow and walk with my 28DD as she recovers and finds a life style that works for her.

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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