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Author Topic: Feeling stuck. Is there a way out?  (Read 350 times)
tree life

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: May 07, 2017, 12:42:07 PM »

ello all,

I feel stuck.

A BPD guy says he will be open to start a relationship in 6 years time when his 3 kids become teens. In the mean time, as he is not able to be alone (as he recognizes) he is with a woman now for months with whom, he says (at least to me) only shares sex, what for him it is a 15% of the whole thing, so not really that much, he says. According to him, she insisted really in keeping the relationship with him although she knows he won't become his partner in any case, nor to have kids with him although she wants.

I have seen them going for a walk together a couple of times. He has done this before with another lady. With me, apparently, I could be his perfect match, the only woman he could imagine as a new partner in front of and with his kids but because of that, I have no room now. He insisted it is a matter of finding each other in the wrong moment, when he is not ready yet.

This has been a real conversation along 3 years being in touch showing lots of passion but stopping ourselves to really start a loving relationship. Along this time I didn't know he was BPD. I found all very highly confusing and hard but still in love.

It was a moment, some months ago, I started to change my perception and I said to him that I have lost myself the wish to be with him as a partner as he was behaving very low-esteem and that was a totally turn off for me. He reply saying he didn't love me.

After this, I knew about BPD and I understood his behaviour towards himself but towards me.

I feel stuck because I love him but I fear to be in touch with him against his current needs. If he is clear he doesn't want to have a relationship and he doesn't call me I think I should accept it. But because I know his BPD behaviour maybe there is something I can do to help the situation beyond logical evidences that you can suggest me to do in order to improve this situation.

I have to recognize that I feel guilty for having said to him those hard words that time.

Looking forward to hearing from you! THanks!
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2017, 02:06:35 PM »

Hello and welcome! Your situation does sound really confusing, to say the least.

I have to wonder what he is saying to the woman with whom he "only shares sex, what for him it is a 15% of the whole thing, so not really that much".

I have to wonder what he said or says to the "other lady" you saw him walking together with.

You appear to have some concerns and doubts too.

says he will be open to start a relationship in 6 years time when his 3 kids become teens.

That puts you and him on a kinda ambiguous footing, to say the least. May I ask what your relationship with him is like, in terms of actions, not just what he says about it?

How long have the two of you been in a relationship?

Is it was a sexual relationship?

How much time do the two of you spend together?

Excerpt
I feel stuck because I love him but I fear to be in touch with him against his current needs. If he is clear he doesn't want to have a relationship and he doesn't call me I think I should accept it.

From the various pieces you've mentioned so far, I'm afraid he will not clearly tell you what kind of relationship he wants with you, or with these other women... .or what he says may not match his actions. Needless to say, that would be very confusing to you!
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JoeBPD81
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2017, 06:28:54 AM »

I had only seen one of your posts, then I answered your PM. It would be useful to have all your concerns on the same post. To get the big picture of your situation.

I see you are having a very hard time, you feel lost and confused, and you're judging yourself because you don't understand what you feel and what to do next. We don't choose who do we fall in love with. I'm sorry you've been caugth in this drama.

I really have a hard time believing men (and I am one!). You must love him a lot to even consider fighting for him.

Is the mother of the kids also in the picture? How long were the 2 of you together?

Many pwBPD feel they are not good enough for relationship material. It doesn't mean that what they say to push us away is true, but it doesn't tell us what they really think either. It is really frustrating the be hurt by words that you don't even know that they are true. So we always stand in uneven (moving?) ground.

Regadless, no one has the right to put you "on hold" for 6 years, no less! So before thinking how to talk to him, you need to think about what you need and want. You are in love and you don't want to lose him, you don't want him to forget you, I really get that. But 6 years is a really long time. Please, don't call youself stupid, love is a powerful thing, and it makes us all defy logic, and makes us suffer more than anything else. Even if he didn't deserve your concern, you deserve to feel the love you feel. Life is about that too, you know?

I think you have the need to talk. Please, feel free to get everything out, this is a safe place to do that. Do you also have a circle of support near you? Do you have some friends/family who could understand? Do you have the option of seeing a therapist yourself? A therapist helped me to put some things in their place after I divorced. Things I knew, but I couldn't accept. I was crying everyday without much control of when it was appropirate, and it was a friendly divorce. Therapy was part of the healing process. You are an important person, and you derserve to be heard, understood and helped. This you're going through is not easy at all.

What I understand is this: As he has BPD, you want to know if he is saying the things he says because of his dissorder, but maybe if you did this and say that, you would access his real feelings, and you'll know what to do. This is huge, as himself seems to not have a clear understanding of his feelings.

It is possible to have sex when you are troubled with many feelings, with people that are not important to you, you want not to think and to feel something that is basicaly good (animal good). It would affect your feelings later. But it surely can affect deeply the feelings of the person you are with, and the person that loves you. In other words, this sex means a lot more to you than to him. And maybe he is hurting the other woman, even if she says she is OK with it. I don't think he does it to hurt you, or that he wouldn't care if it does, but he needs to stop the torture of thinking. And reckless behaviour or "simple" (no complications attached) affection is an escape to emotional pain. It is a posibility, but what's the truth? Who knows? He seems to care enough to offer explanations to you. Which tells me he is troubled about it.

Anyway, the problem you can control (better or worse) in on your end. How can you make it not hurt? If you distance yourself to think, to heal, the worst that can happen is that you get over him. You need to work in being happy with yourself, you can love someone and not need him. Once you are in your center, and you know you're gonna be ok no matter what, if you find what you want and you are sure it's him, you can aproach him with new confidence.

Maybe in the boards of ":)etaching From the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship" you can learn some tools and have good advice. Working to feel better yourself doesn't mean that you give up on him. But life gave you this lemon, this time apart, so you have to make the best lemonade you can.

I'm not an expert on anything, forgive me if I don't make sense or if I bother you in any way. I know it's all too easy to say "take care of yourself first" when you can't stop thinking about someone. You need to find out what "taking care of yourself" means to you. You can start by allowing yourself feel what you feel and knowing is not wrong, it's just human.

Best,

J
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ArleighBurke
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: was married - 15 yrs
Posts: 911


« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2017, 06:35:42 PM »

I think I'm going to say the same as previous people, but I'm going to be a lot more blunt.

I appriciate you love him, and letting him go would be difficult, but sometimes things are not meant to be. This is one of those things.

He is in a relationship. He is cheating on her, with you. If you get together, will he cheat on you too?
You CANNOT wait 6 years, being the "on the side woman" for 6 years, on the HOPE that he'll then leave his partner. You will lose so much of your life.

Cut him away. Tell him that WHEN/IF he leaves her, then you'll consider dating him. But until that day - forget him. Go no contact. Live your life.

Letting go of love is difficult, but you need to show that you love yourself more.
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