Too much too long

[bayview]

I could post all the drama stories but just too exhausted to do so. I am sure you have all heard it all before. Similar events. The thought of posting the history of the events is a mind boggling task and I think I would sound crazy. I am at a point I am not speaking to my 32 yr old daughter. Just too toxic. I feel like I am in survival mode. She has 2 children 10 and 5. They are very bonded to us and us to them. We have provided a lot of security for them through their crazy and unstable short lives. They are used as pawns. Always have been even before they were born. She once withheld the 10 yr old from us for a year with the ability to ignore the pain it caused him. I just can't and won't go there again. I have resigned myself to the fact if we can no longer see them, I can not do the in and out dance any longer. Signing on to this behavior gives her the power to continue it and sends a message it's okay and we will tolerate it. Too harmful to the grand kids. She is distracted now with a new love interest she met on line again. She is currently married. Her present husband was once the new on line love interest she had when she discarded husband #1. Now he is about to be discarded husband #2 for the new on line guy she met. My husband and I have really liked and grown close to both husbands. I have been sick over the way she has treated them. I identify with their pain. My daughter's father (deceased) did the same things to me. I have been in turmoil trying to understand her pain and wounds that cause her to destroy those that love her. Caught in the middle of identifying with her partner's pains as I have lived their role with my daughter's father. The years of living in wait for the shoe to drop has taken a toll on us emotionally, physically and financially. Time to get off the merry go round. It has taken us years to see clearly. She has been a "handful" since she was very young. It has played out through years. I just did not understand what it was until finding out about BPD. Now I also understand what I was living with her father my first husband. He was a serial adulterer as well and other facets of this disorder. It has been a crazy ride and I am just too spent to keep myself hooked. I am at a point I feel my only option is no contact.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skritty]

Hi Bayview
I absolutely sympathize with your situation, been living a similar existence with my BPDs33. It is lonely painful life we lead. I have found this site has a lot of great information (look on the right side of this page under BPD Family Connections - Start Here!) Gave me a lot of insight and tools to at least look at what I was doing to contribute to the pain, and to also get insight into my son's pain. I have only been exposed to this site and its information for a short time but I can tell you I feel a bit better with the understanding I have gained.
Like yourself the most painful part is the grandchild we have. Getting to see him is easier now because my son and the child's mother are no longer together, and we have an ok relationship with her. But for a long time our grandson was withheld from us.
The constant waiting for the next incident, never knowing what and when, is very exhausting.
It is very reassuring to know there are others with the same pain in their lives - not that I wish this on even a mortal enemy. Knowing this, and reading the stories, has been immensely helpful to me.
I wish the the best and if you haven't done so, utilize the resources on this site.
Skritty

[bayview]

Thank you for your response. I am reading whatever I can get my hands on. Agree it's a very painful experience. I am kind of selfish now trying to protect myself. I was always available to help and rescue. I feel used and abused. I obviously need to define boundaries. I felt so weak I just went silent. I need to figure out my part that got me to this point. I am wondering is there really any successful thriving relationships with loved ones that have this disorder. Is it even possible if they get no treatment and continue with the cycle and patterns. I can't walk on the eggshells forever.

[Hopelessandlost]

You are so not alone... .I know that fact alone brings me some comfort. I have three daughters oh of my life at this point, one for 11 years, the other two off and on as they control it, you know how that goes.

My oldest and I never got along from her youngest days, she is now 31 she was manipulative and sneaky and would throw massive tantrums. She would purposely set off her father rages then leave me to deal with him to get back at me for some discipline I would lay out or if I said no to her demands. I ruined her perfect family picture when I left and divorced her father. Our perfect family was so fake she knew that but deceided to take it out on me anyways. Honestly I knew within two weeks of meeting my ex there was something off but I was young and neive and he said he loved me. We had a hellish marriage of 26 years with 5 kids mentally damaged in varying degrees. I left when I had found some one else who really cared who I still see.

This daughter has since married and has two kids. At first the whole missing seeing the grandkids bit hurt. But as time has gone on the hurt has lessen. What you haven't had connection with it is hard to feel real emotional attachment to. She lives with 20 min of me but I know longer think of her everyday. I realize if she was in my life it would bring chaos. I picked her as a high functioning borderline many years ago when her sister was diagnoised. The zebra doesn't change there stripes. The fact that she accepted her fathers absuse of our family astounds me... .she knows her siblings are all damaged and I find it had to believe she doesn't know where that damage was seeded from, our home life of violence. I often refer to her as the ostrich if she buries her head in the ground and pretends her childhood and anything about it never existed life wiillbe good. I believe these things do catch up with you in time.

My other two daughters turn it on and off like a facet, I set boundaries or disagree or give my opionion on something different then them, I'm gone from their lives. One daughter is diagnoised borderline the other bipolar but as we all know so many of these illness overlap in area. Neither are speaking to me at the moment.

 The one has ackwardly attempted through instagram to connect but there is no respect in her language or acknowledgement for her bad behaviour. Nothing saying I'm sorry.  Her latest before she took of with an army guy she met online on the other side of the country and got married within 2 weeks of going there, ugh... .was to hack into my fb 6 months ago (as she bragged about it after I found out) and read the private conversations I had with my one sister who is  my life line to sanity in my crazy world.  I am trying hard not to even attempt at reconnection with her till I get an apolize, although even if I do she likely won't mean it... .she is another chaotic person... .it will follow her I have no doubt.

So take comfort you situationand mine are not unique and we will get through it.❤️

[bayview]

Thank you Hopelessandlost. Sounds like you have had your share of struggles. I appreciate your comments. I am seeing I am not alone. Yes if we disagree or challenge anything we are cut out. Like you say a faucet on and off. 

[js friend]

Bayview you are certainly not alone.

I have also been cut of of my grandchildren's lives numerous times since they have been born. Sometimes it has been for weeks and other  times for months.I have been reinstated because dd needs a babysitter. Iam under no illusions here. She can see the bond that I have with them but it just doesnt seem to matter. Power and control seems to come first and matter the most to her. Iam here to serve a purpose to her and it has to be under strict rigid terms. Now i get calls from her asking when iam going to have the kids, insisting that the kids need regular contact with me.! It didnt matter to her when she enforced no contact and my older grandchild would ask for me and often cry for me i have been told. My dd wouldnt even answer texts inquiring how they were. Xmas and birthday presents were not collected or even allowed to be dropped off. Now she wonders why the oldest grandchild behaves the way she does around her mom.

Its all So sad... .How anyone go about their normal life and sleep at night when they are causing their child(ren) so much pain i will never know.


I feel your pain bayview.