Breaking the circle ... alternative ways to get more parenting time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey there,

I have been thinking about something and I would love to know if this makes any sense to you.

The situation:

My uBPDx and I have a daugther of 6 months. After I broke up, I moved in next door, so our daugther has her father nearby. He is high functioning, but has very low self esteem, needs constant approval and blames others for his problems. I was painted black when I became pregnant. He has a high standard of how he wants to be as a father. I broke up, because he was controlling, moody and blamed me because he wasn't able to fit his fathering goals. He did not find lots of time for his daugther, other things were more important to him.

We're now in mediation for a parenting plan. In summer he's at home for 5 months and wants to have our daugther 70 percent of the time then. I am not willing to give him more than 50 percent. To tell you the truth, I want 70/30. But I won't win that because the mediator is taking sides with him.

I have noticed there is a dynamic. When we were together I tried to encourage him to spend more time with his daugther  ... .and he told me 1000 excuses why that wasn't possible. Now we're both pulling on the child to spend as much time with her as possible. But the more he has her, the more I notice symptoms of fatigue, because caring for a little child can be challenging. But given the battle we're in he cannot admit that.

Here comes my idea:
What about playing the emotional caretaker again and allow him to admit that there are 1000 excuses good reasons for not caring for our daugther today. I think I could convince him to try without an official parenting agreement for some weeks. I could tell him when one of us is frustrated with the situation then we will go to see the mediator and make an official paranting plan. We'd find the structure some days before or even spontaniously. But there would be no fix pattern we both had to stick to. Every week will be different. My plus is that I am still breastfeeding and will be for some more months I think. So my daughter will be with me during the nights and I will see her every 4 hours at least.

Here's what I think will happen: In the beginning he will want to have her around 90 percent of the time. I will be very brave and give it to him. Then, he will notice that he wants some more time for other acticities. Maybe after one or two weeks I will have my daugther 70 percent of the time. And after a while 50 percent or more. I think I will gain more than 50 percent during the course of these 5 summer months. The good thing is: I don't need to force him, he will find the excuses good reasons all by himself. So he will re-programm his mind from: "She's taking my daugther away, I need to fight to see my daugther" to "I want to spend time with my daugther, but this will be much easier when she is older, because I'm more the kind of a play daddy".

Of cause, that process would be very chaotic and frustrating, especially in the beginning. But I am working at home, so I've got that flexibily. Also, it could go terribly wrong. But then I can still vote for the mediation and do the 50/50 thing, right?

So, what do you think of this? Crazy or brilliant?

[SettingBorders]

Hey there,

I have been thinking about something and I would love to know if this makes any sense to you.

The situation:

My uBPDx and I have a daugther of 6 months. After I broke up, I moved in next door, so our daugther has her father nearby. He is high functioning, but has very low self esteem, needs constant approval and blames others for his problems. I was painted black when I became pregnant. He has a high standard of how he wants to be as a father. I broke up, because he was controlling, moody and blamed me because he wasn't able to fit his fathering goals. He did not find lots of time for his daugther, other things were more important to him.

We're now in mediation for a parenting plan. In summer he's at home for 5 months and wants to have our daugther 70 percent of the time then. I am not willing to give him more than 50 percent. To tell you the truth, I want 70/30. But I won't win that because the mediator is taking sides with him.

I have noticed there is a dynamic. When we were together I tried to encourage him to spend more time with his daugther  ... .and he told me 1000 excuses why that wasn't possible. Now we're both pulling on the child to spend as much time with her as possible. But the more he has her, the more I notice symptoms of fatigue, because caring for a little child can be challenging. But given the battle we're in he cannot admit that.

Here comes my idea:
What about playing the emotional caretaker again and allow him to admit that there are 1000 excuses good reasons for not caring for our daugther today. I think I could convince him to try without an official parenting agreement for some weeks. I could tell him when one of us is frustrated with the situation then we will go to see the mediator and make an official paranting plan. We'd find the structure some days before or even spontaniously. But there would be no fix pattern we both had to stick to. Every week will be different. My plus is that I am still breastfeeding and will be for some more months I think. So my daughter will be with me during the nights and I will see her every 4 hours at least.

Here's what I think will happen: In the beginning he will want to have her around 90 percent of the time. I will be very brave and give it to him. Then, he will notice that he wants some more time for other acticities. Maybe after one or two weeks I will have my daugther 70 percent of the time. And after a while 50 percent or more. I think I will gain more than 50 percent during the course of these 5 summer months. The good thing is: I don't need to force him, he will find the excuses good reasons all by himself. So he will re-programm his mind from: "She's taking my daugther away, I need to fight to see my daugther" to "I want to spend time with my daugther, but this will be much easier when she is older, because I'm more the kind of a play daddy".

Of cause, that process would be very chaotic and frustrating, especially in the beginning. But I am working at home, so I've got that flexibily. Also, it could go terribly wrong. But then I can still vote for the mediation and do the 50/50 thing, right?

So, what do you think of this? Crazy or brilliant?

[Turkish]

It sounds like you know him will.  I'd only caution getting too deep into managing or controlling this,  as it might drive you nuts.  Hard, with a baby.  I split when our D was 1, but being breast feeding. 

I won't comment on your plan,  but I will offer that stepping back from trying to make him a more involved father would be better for you and your baby.  Let him be who he is and go from there. 

[SettingBorders]

Thanks for your advice. I will try not to controll that process, you are totally right with that. I don't have the strength anyway.
But it's not that I would try to make him more involved. He is. At least since we broke up. I try to find a way that makes him less involved.

It seems that my experience is quite unique. I notice that on this board there are lots of fathers with protective BPD mothers, who don't want to give them time with their children. But where are the mothers with BPD fathers, who want 50/50 or more time with their child? All I read is BPD fathers that ran away. But maybe 50/50 isn't a problem for most of the people, maybe their children are older. Or maybe I am the protective BPD mother.   Who knows.

[Fie]

Hello SettingBorders 

You might want to watch out that your plan does not go as you wish (although at first sight it sounds kind of good). Imagine he ends up demanding 70/30 (or more) and can provide proof that you did not want more than 30 to begin with ... the judge might take that into account (or not, no idea). Maybe you could consider asking legal advise about this ?

xx

[livednlearned]

On one hand you are talking about using validation as a skill to help prevent things from getting worse  

"You are tired and need a break, I understand. With everything you have going on, it makes sense you need some time to rest. I'll take care of D while you catch up on sleep. Ring me when you want to come get her."

Another skill you could use is to reflect his presumed competence back to him, "I admire that you love our D and want to spend time with her. She is lucky to feel so loved. I'm pretty tired after taking care of her for 5 hours straight and could use a break. Would you like to have her for a while?"

You may see that he presses for less time with her because he no longer has to overcompensate for any inadequacy he feels if you hint that he isn't competent, and same for control. If he perceives you are no longer trying to control him, he may not need to resist the force he perceives you are trying to exert.

Having said that, even at your most skilled, he can still be at the mercy of his emotions and cognitive distortions. Safety for D has to be first and foremost, as you know