Wow - Im getting divorced and figured out the issue over 6 years was BPD

[junglejim]

Hi
not sure how this works but would love to chat to someone who has the same issues as me
Im getting divorced and realized my ex has BPD
what a mess
threats of sole custody
also very upset i never knew early what was really wrong

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello

Sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

It sounds like you're in the very early stages of divorce. Do you have an attorney yet?

How old are the kids?

And how are you doing? Threats seem to go with BPD divorces. Hang in there -- we can walk with you and share our collective wisdom about how to navigate the rapids ahead.

 

LnL

[tmarshal2016]

Going though the same thing.  It's so heart breaking.  Been with her for 9yrs and have 2 children.  That's what killing me about the divorce.
Like so many people have told me "You are not alone". The marriage was falling apart but she never wanted to go to any form of counseling.  She would always say "I'm not going to counseling. you can't make me.  You go for you. I'm not going to change. You married me"  but when I went to counseling she would asked me what we talked about and then tell me that counseling does not help. She also told me she stop loving me six years ago after my youngest was born.  I understand your emotions.

[junglejim]

Hi
not sure if 8 weeks is early stages, feels like its 8 months already
the easiest part for me is finally leaving the PBD, the real regret I have is that I did not know at the time what was really wrong with her, it took me 5 weeks after she decided divorce was the only option that i started to research the real issues we had in our marriage and guess what - PBD. I wish i knew during the marriage what the real issue was as I tried everything and would of liked to have tried to help her with this, I am not sure if It would of made a difference as PBD is extreme, I know about marriage vows and in sickness and in health, but I think her decision is a blessing for me.

Its crazy reading all these books as if the author is in my home watching us.

the hard part now is living together as until custody is done I cant leave my kids along with the mother, the upbringing and values are all wrong to raise kids exclusively and guess what she wants sole custody.

this could take up to 2 years.
we have Forensic Experts starting to evaluate us in 10 days,

one other hard part is the uncertainty of the kids, I know whats best for them.

[ForeverDad]

Here are some facts.  While you can't be lax and let just anything happen, what your stbEx claims is not the reality.  As some have phrased it, don't let your ex give you legal advice.  Don't let her demoralize you.

First and foremost, courts are very reluctant to gift a parent with sole custody unless there is real basis to do so?  A general rule of thumb, by no means a guarantee, is that her threats regarding custody and parenting time are limited unless there are substantiated documentation of substantive child abuse, substantive child neglect or substantive child endangerment.  Got it?  Failing that it will likely end up being joint legal custody and regular contact in a parenting schedule, usually no less than alternate weekends and a n evening or overnight in between.

Yes, a temp order may give her temp custody but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way when the divorce is final.  And she can't block your parenting time unless the court is convinced you are a riak to the children.

A lot of this is her unbalanced Entitlement as Mother, also her 'Black or White' thinking.  Likely she pictures herself as the authority over you and the kids.  Well, once you get to court she will discover court is The Real Authority.

You likely can't reason with her any more.  Probably you will get more from the court than the crumbs she would throw your way.

My lawyer did not care whether I believed my ex had BPD or other PDs.  He just called her crazy and a variety of other street level words.  I never once heard the Guardian ad Litem (GAL, children's lawyer), the Custody Evaluator or court's social worker mention the possibility of her having a Personality Disorder.  It's like they studiously avoided it, figuring the conflict would fade in time as it does in most cases.  If your spouse has a diagnosis, fine but if not then don't expect the professionals to rally around you once you mention your conclusions of what a diagnosis ought to be.

But that professional reluctance doesn't mean you ignore what BPD means.  Knowledge of her world view, perceptions and behaviors gives you an advantage, you may be able to anticipate and prepare for her likely behaviors as you go through the divorce process.

[junglejim]

HI
so there have never been any issues with my parenting, actually we have several schedules were she lays out 50% 50% custody of looking after the kids when we were married, she could never cope.
She has only verbally threatened but never with lawyers letters as I never did anything but love my kids.
she how ever believes she is the Queen B all of a sudden and literally could not cope with the kids, exactly why her demands are so crazy.
we have some serious issues with her behavior, rage, suicide attempts.

She cant apply for a temp order as it want pass, so its just about making my life miserable till the judge sees the truth.
what a waste of time and energy

I also dont care about the BPD diagnosis, I only care about the safety of my children and the development of there personalities.
A mother with such black and white thinking will not allow children to create there own opinions

thanks for the advise

[Panda39]

Hi junglejim,

I wanted to join ForeverDad and say Welcome 

I had to live with my ex for a year from my decision to leave my marriage to when our townhouse sold (short sale during the housing bubble  )  I was not married to someone with BPD (I'm here because of my SO's uBPDxw) but was married to an alcoholic so had my own issues to contend with.

I just wanted to acknowledge how hard it is to live with your stbx... .it's an incredible lesson in patience.  To get some relief I tried to stay busy and out of the house when I could taking my son with me as much as I could, the library, movies, and walks became our favorite escapes. I hope you have been able to find ways to take a break from the tension too.

If you are not already doing this I would start documenting examples of your stbx's inability to cope with parenting, rages around/directed at the kids, and any suicide threats or attempts.  In other words document how her behaviors are impacting your kids. 

The court is not really going to care about how she treated you, it is all about what is best for your kids and how her behaviors impact them. This is what you want to focus on when you meet with your custody evaluator. Tip from my SO's experience... .even though you might feel this way and with good reason be sure to keep any anger under wraps.

How old are your kids?  How are you seeing the impact of their mom's behaviors on your kids?

My SO's uBPDxw was both overindulgent and neglectful. For example at the beginning of their separation mom the primary custody of the kids.  She failed to get one daughter to the dentist with a toothache for months (dad finally took the bull by the horns and got her there), and the same kid had a stomachache on a Monday and mom kept her home for a week! It sounds like she is similar to your wife in terms of her inability to provide good consistent parenting. 

My SO was able to document the ways his ex was failing to parent their daughters and the court recognized who was able to do the work of everyday parenting.  My SO was awarded custody M-F and 1 weekend a month, mom received 3 weekends a month.  I actually think the court did a good job in our case, dad provided stability and consistent parenting his daughters needed, and mom could still see her daughters and be the weekend ":)isneyland Mom" and just do fun stuff... .no pressure... .no responsibility.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of reading (I did the same thing when I made the BPD connection between my SO's ex  ) I want to share another book you might want to checkout... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

Panda39

[insideout77]

Junglejim:

Welcome and I wanted to reach out and encourage you to hang in. Something that seems to be bothering you is her absured sense of entitlement. It comes from the fact that the kids make her feel more whole and its most common with BPD's. Mine did the same and she just said that since she is the "mother" she should have the kids:

Don't let it get to you bc it has no basis in reality. Likely when she discoveres that she will go more crazy and extreme so watch your back:

For me looking back that almost makes me giggle how she simply decided what she wanted and assumed it was going to be so. And I was scared to death bc I had been co trolled by her for so long. She still tries similar antics today (they never change) but it doesn't get to me anymore bc I realize how absurd it is.