Managing a BPD Female Co Parent

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I randomly and gratefully found the book "Walking on Egg Shells" a few days ago, and it has really helped me understand my ex wife who keeps trying to get back together with me, otherwise I receive much pain and suffering in retaliation - it got so bad a week ago that she was arrested by the police but I posted bail for her to be released and because I did not press charges etc she is free; this has been the pivotal event to give me strength to start seriously setting solid boundaries and continue my life free and divorced although we remain co parents for our two sons - I am apprehensive as how this will go peacefully hereafter and how to manage her knowing she is clearly BPD.

[RZen]

I randomly and gratefully found the book "Walking on Egg Shells" a few days ago, and it has really helped me understand my ex wife who keeps trying to get back together with me, otherwise I receive much pain and suffering in retaliation - it got so bad a week ago that she was arrested by the police but I posted bail for her to be released and because I did not press charges etc she is free; this has been the pivotal event to give me strength to start seriously setting solid boundaries and continue my life free and divorced although we remain co parents for our two sons - I am apprehensive as how this will go peacefully hereafter and how to manage her knowing she is clearly BPD.

[Turkish]

Wow.  That's a lot to deal with, but also a lot left untold. 

What led up to her arrest,  and what is the custody situation as of now,  legally?

[RZen]

Turkish,

Thanks for enquiring; we had a typical argument where she made assumptions about me and coworkers where she assumes I am having an affair, which is untrue, she became angry in the usual way, and began attacking me physically, and it was near our home and neighbors whitnessed the event and called the police.  I tried to calm her down before the police arrived without luck, and after the questioning by the police of each of us and the clear physical cuts/scratches I received they cuffed her and took her away... .this was a breaking point of tolerance on my part and I can no longer continue in this relationship.  I just finished reading the Walking on Egg Shells book this weekend and it was what I so needed to understand all of this better.

I'm curious to join a victims of BPD type group in San Diego if there is one.  I spent the day with one of my close friends on Saturday and he is part of Allenon (2 years now) which he attends every sunday as a result of his brother's alcoholism, and he noted how much it has helped him;  and I think something similar would be good for me.  I am open for guidance on this.  I am grateful for communities  such as this.

Thank you to those who can help me.

[Turkish]

Oh man,  I'm glad you are safe for now.  How are your sons, did they witness this?

This might be decision time. Does resolution hinge upon you pressing charges,  or is this out of your control,  or do you even know yet?

[RZen]

My sons witnessed the police asking questions and then my ex being taken away.

We are not married, and because of my previous lack of understanding her having BPD, I was continuously lowering my guard and ultimately pulled back into a relationship with her through this 4-year period since the divorce was finalized.

I will not press charges, and as a result the DA is not proceeding with the case.  I am hopeful it is a wake up call for her, but my gut tells me she will learn nothing from this, and how can she if she lives with her BPD; I doubt she recalls the details of that night because of her rage.

We have joint custody; I will organize a new place to live and manage accordingly with the new knowledge of BPD.  I'd like to join some focus group in San Diego to assist in managing my sons and knowing their mom has BPD going forward.