Introduction Hello

[Moonshiney]

Hi Message Board People  ,  I have a 17 year old daughter who was diagnosed with BPD among a huge list of other things in the last year.   We never knew what was wrong with her, but knew it was something really strange.  I had never met anyone with such defined odd behaviors.  We've been through hell with the things she has done and via her behaviors.  We frequently hear "I don't know how you do it" after people meet and get to know her.  If I hear one more therapist tell me to get her to use her coping skills, I just may begin punching myself in the head as she does often (actually I would never do that). What coping skills I say?  Her toxic personality leaves her such a short fuse, I don't think she has time to think about using one until her blow up has occurred and she has added a few more scars to the lives of the people around her.

 I just read some of the stories from people on this board and see that their potential or diagnosed BPD actually has friends.  Believe me when I say "Thank the Lord every day your BPD person has any friends".  My daughter has none.  She is currently in a RTF and still has no friends.  Well... .she does have one girl who talks to her a little bit - who is several years younger than she is, and also has BPD.  It took me almost two years to get her an RTF placement.  What a nightmare it is trying to find help for these kids.

 She has been seeing doctors and getting special services since she was a year old.   She has had several psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, counselors, therapists and social workers.   The list of crap they try to do to these kids before they diagnose them is horrendous.  Finding someone who does Dialectal Behavior Therapy is ridiculous.  My daughter has loads of sensory issues - and was diagnosed with Aspergers.  Then  she was undiagnosed with it because they got her to look them in the eyes when she talked to them (and only because she looked them in the eyes).  See... .growing up, she would never look people in the eyes. She would stare off in the distance, or look past them.  I spent years teaching her to look at people when she talks to them.  Now she does... .but she is still looking past them.  

Since BPD is NOT covered by medical insurance ... .she is officially diagnosed with about 10 other things so she can get some mental health services.  Isn't that just bull?   She has anxiety disorder, ADHD, impulse control disorder, ODD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Social Communication Disorder, etc etc etc.  They need ONE diagnosis for someone like that , not ten.  Where is Freud when you need him?   People get their degrees online and counselors have to learn 500 different disorders that don't make sense.  These people ARE diagnosed with way too many things.  They continually change the mental health criteria for everything.

  Parenting my daughter has been the most challenging thing  I have ever done in my life.  I have been her strongest advocate. I have done just about everything that the medical profession allows to get her help - and it still sucks.  She's been in the RTF a year and has only got worse.  She regressed big time.  The places don't pay enough to train or get decent staff to work with these kids. The government has eluded the huge increase in children with psychiatric issues.   Like that isn't bad enough - they aren't actually allowed to diagnose them until they are 18... .unless they are in an RTF.  They feed them all kinds of meds and hope they hit something that works until the kid turns 18. Typically every kid gets the ADD or ADHD diagnosis.   Meds do not work for BPD patients.  But our kids become lab rats for all that other stuff they are diagnosed with.  Why?  Well in my personal opinion - it is the only reason an actual psychiatrist sees them.  I realize that sounds harsh, but the person who really should be able to help our kids is alotted a 5 to 15 minute time slot once a month to ask them if they are hearing things? seeing things? or want to kill themselves... .They are there to give our kids drugs and that seems to be all they are allowed to do nowadays.  My personal tip would be if you suspect your child has BPD - dig into that savings account and take them to one that actually spends time talking to them. Pay for that hour, if you can afford it.

When parents are close to banging their heads into walls trying to get help for their kids... .and the pros don't know or can't diagnose properly... .well they get to that step where they blame the parents for their child's troubles.  They will and do categorize our children into "bad kids".  They need that paper trail to help the kids get a placement . They want the law involved, when the law never had to be involved if they were given proper diagnoses and help to begin with. They teach us how to parent our kids.  I've been through it all with my BPD daughter.  It is really honest to God hard to find a counselor who knows how to work with a person with BPD.  She actually has the first good counselor she has ever had.  I just pray she doesn't quit her job - as so many have.  Many people in the child psychiatric profession are just overworked and under paid.  There are so many patients, they don't have the time needed to spend with each individual.

 My daughter has attempted suicide, done the whole cutting thing, stopped for two years and is currently at it again. She hates herself, has no friends, gaining weight like crazy, says she wants to die almost every day, now has all kinds of trouble figuring out  her sexuality, who she is. She never had a problem with that before - but she wants to fit in somehow and that is the new thing on the block, having an identity crisis. She has never drank, smoked, went to a party or been anywhere without mommy. Why? She's actually a good person... .but  nobody likes her.  BPD is ruining her life.

 She has been in every kind of school imaginable.  The hand full of friends she has had in her life have all dumped her for one reason or another.  The problem is any friend she had also had their own unique mental health issues.  She is gullible and easily manipulated.

  I took a class in BPD to learn how to deal with loving someone with such a disorder.   There I learned that they do and often take on the character of the friends they get.   I have never met anyone with such a personality in my life.  She can be sweet as pie, then she treats us like garbage.  She is mean and cruel and verbally abusive toward the people she loves the most.   She is almost impossible.

  I have and will continue to do anything I can to help her.  It's why I am now on this board.  Maybe someone can help me, help her.  Maybe I can help someone else  because I have been living with this hellish disorder for 17 years and it has given me Borderline Mom Disorder (always hoping for a miracle).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Moonshiney   and welcome to bpdfamily.

I'm sorry what you are dealing with your daughter, you've been through so much, many members here are in similar situations, it's exhausting and frustrating as you say, you've come to the right place you are not alone.

Your DD regressing over 12 months in RTC is concerning - what are the medics saying, what's the treatment plan, is it DBT? I'm glad the new counsellor is good and hope they stay.

WDx