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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Locked out...again.  (Read 530 times)
DearHusband
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: May 15, 2017, 01:30:55 AM »

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Hope it was better than mine.

It all started when I came home from Asia yesterday. We hadn't talked much on the trip. She was upset because she thought I might talk with a friend over there who I had confided in about what was going on between my wife and me. (This is before I found out about BPD. I did not see my friend, although I'm not sure I'll get another chance for several years after this, and I kind of resented not being able to visit).

My wife had told me not to bother talking to her (my wife) while I was on the trip. So, I sent out a few feeler messages, but largely stayed quiet. For her part, she did the same. When I got back, I went to give her a hug, but she wasn't happy to see me. The day was uneventful until the evening when I tried to bridge the gap. We talked for a couple of hours and then went to sleep.

The next morning, I got up and made breakfast for her and the kids and I gave her presents. I was jet lagged so she suggested I sleep some more, which I did. When I woke up, she was upset that I had slept so long and inconvenienced her. Then I took the kids to see my mom and pick up some equipment for a school project the next day. After that, I took my daughter to her Violin recital. That's when the wheels fell off the bus.

My S12 did not want to watch, so he was waiting in the ante room. She told me to go over to him. She actually wanted me to get him and make him watch. I didn't understand this. Instead I thought she wanted me to make sure he wasn't disruptive. I hung out by him in a place where I couldn't see much and we both played a game on our phones while I listened to the recital. This apparently did not show enough respect, especially compared to some other fathers who where photographing and videotaping the event (My daughter is one of the older ones, so we been through quite a few of these and I didn't feel the need to document it this time). She texted me 20+ times. But, since I was on my work phone and it was loud, I missed seeing the messages. Here is what they were:

HER:
get off phones
Get off phones NOW
"S12" HAS TO WATCH. TELL HIM IT'S MOTHERS DAY AND I SAY SO
IF I DON'T SEE HIM OUT HERE WATCHING I WILL TAKE AWAY HIS PHONE
PATHETIC. CAN'T INSTILL ANY DISCIPLINE
GET "S12" OUT HERE TO WATCH. WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE ARE YOU SHOWING HIM.
IGNORING ME AGAIN. THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR. YOU GO HOME. THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE HERE.
GO HOME
... .REPEAT 27 TIMES.
GO HOME
You poor excuse of a father. Maybe a (sic) should marry again. Anyone would be a better father than you.

I took the kids to get ingredients for dinner. The text's continued.

HER:
You deserve every negative thing that's ever happened. You intentionally ignored all my messages. You're one the most selfish people I know and you're teaching your son to be even more selfish than he is. I don't want to have anything to do with you tonight... .

ME: explaining that I didn't see the texts but hoped she would come home as we had a great dinner planned.

HER:
To hell with you you selfish ass.
And teaching your son to be as selfish as you.
I will fight for full custody.

And more of the same. She came and took my daughter out. My son and I were not invited. Now the door to the bedroom is locked. It doesn't hurt. It used to, but now it doesn't. But, it does make me sad.
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BeagleGirl
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2017, 08:26:10 AM »

DH,
At the risk of sounding unsupportive, I'm going to ask a few questions and offer some insight into what your wife may be feeling.  Please understand that I KNOW the logic and "non" thought processes I apply to the situation may be totally off from what your wife is thinking.  I also don't condone the way she handled the situation or fault you for your response.

Questions:
Do you think your wife saw your son's lack of interest in his sister's performance as invalidating to your daughter?
Do you think your daughter was in any way disappointed not to see you and her brother in the audience?
Do you regularly give your children the option to not attend the performances/events of the other?
What is the general expectation for how your wife is treated on Mother's Day? 
Were you a bit relieved to be able to sit away from your wife and play on your phone during the concert?

Depending on your answers, in my "non" world, I think I would be fairly pissed at you myself.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

In my family, my children are expected to support and celebrate each other's talents and skills.  Even when S14 would rather not be at his own performance, S18 is expected to be there unless he has a very good reason.  I'm a bit more lax about what the expectations are for their level of engagement while in the performance.  I am okay with a bit of gaming or surfing on phone or tablet during an auditory performance (as long as it's not distracting to those around us) and at sporting events when their brother is not on the field or the game is rather slow.

As a daughter, I place a LOT (too much) emphasis on my dad's approval.  Your daughter may be more secure in your approval and pride, but if I had a daughter I would be hypersensitive to my husband's level of engagement with her.  Even now, with my boys, I find irrational levels of hurt and anger triggered when I feel like my husband is "abandoning" my boys the way I feel I was "abandoned" by my dad. 

As a mother (and a pretty darn good one), I expect to be queen for the day on Mother's Day.  Not that my family agrees with that expectation.  Smiling (click to insert in post).  Usually, I still tend to pick the foods I know my kids like and do the things I know they will enjoy.  Last night I actually chose food from a place that is not S14s favorite, but he lived (scarfed down everything he ordered, like a good teenager) and we had a good time.  Even if I don't express it, I do feel fairly slighted when things don't go "my way" on Mother's Day.  It's supposed to be the one day of the year when I chose whether to put my feelings aside or not.  The other 364 days of the year I generally do, so it doesn't seem like too much to ask.

Now we start getting into the muddy waters of marital dynamics and expectations.  IF you had any sense of relief in having an excuse not to sit with your wife, you had better believe she sensed that and was hurt by it.  As a "non", I have to admit that, even if I felt equally relieved to not have to sit next to my husband, I would feel hurt and would focus on the idea that HE was the one who got to escape while I had to be the responsible one and sit dutifully and attentively through the performance.  (I wouldn't have spent it text bombing, but I would have been seething).  I also might have focused on the fact that, by virtue of you having been gone having a grand old time in Asia, I have been the one stuck with all the discipline and the ONE thing I ask you to do ON MOTHER'S DAY (get your son to sit and watch his sister) you shirk.

Now, lest you think that I am actually your wife taking over BeagleGirl's computer... .

Even if some of your wife's feelings are understandable by a "non" wife, I suspect that her response is fully BPD.  As a "non", I would want to express my hurt and have it validated (probably true of your wife as well), AND I would want to understand what was going on in my husband's mind that differed from the hurtful intentions I have assigned to him (probably not something your wife is capable of wanting/comprehending).  I would want to come to an understanding of what we should both strive for in the future based on our new insight into each other's thoughts and feelings. 

Some things I think you probably want her to understand:
Your thought process is still a bit foggy from jet lag, so communication from her needs to be clearer than usual to avoid misunderstanding.

Your feelings and subsequent actions are being impacted by the current stress in the marriage and you are unsure of how valid those feelings and actions would be outside of the current context.  You're trying to sort that out, but don't always have time to do so before action is "required", so sometimes you get it wrong.

You did what you believed she wanted you to do and didn't really think about whether it was the best thing to do.  (see the previous two points for why you didn't fully think through it)

You did not intentionally ignore her texts and would like her to take some time to pull out the anger caused by her belief that you did and put it aside so you are just deal with the things you actually did.

The constant communication/escalation in communication of her anger makes it hard for you to not shut down emotionally.

You want to have some confidence that the two of you are "playing by the same rules" and working towards the same goals. 

Please feel free to add more to the list of "things I wish my wife would understand".  I hope that it will help you sort out your needs/desires, even if you don't have reasonable expectations that your wife actually will understand those things.

BG
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DearHusband
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Posts: 94


« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2017, 09:46:39 AM »


Questions:
Do you think your wife saw your son's lack of interest in his sister's performance as invalidating to your daughter?
Do you think your daughter was in any way disappointed not to see you and her brother in the audience?
Do you regularly give your children the option to not attend the performances/events of the other?
What is the general expectation for how your wife is treated on Mother's Day? 
Were you a bit relieved to be able to sit away from your wife and play on your phone during the concert?


Thanks DG - Answers below

1. Possibly. More likely it is about appearances.
2. No. I asked her about this. The recital was at a senior center and seating was limited. She was fine that we weren't in the main audience and were listening but not watching.
3. They usually have to come, but they don't have to sit and watch. (D10 goes to S12's baseball games, but does not watch.) S12 can be a bit of a pill. I had been on him for a couple of hours for picking on his sister while I took the kids to my mom's. I was at the point of just trying to contain him for the concert and my wife had higher expectations.
4. Expectation is that she gets her way. The problem isn't that we didn't want to do what she wanted, it's that we didn't understanding exactly what it is that she wanted. The background noise level was high and although I thought I heard what she said, apparently I didn't hear it correctly.
5. No. I tried to sit next to her, but was sent away. I spent half the time next to my son and half walking to viewing ports to be able to see my daughter. I actually did record one performance from the side, but it was a horrible angle.

My wife told me this morning that she had only intended to lock the door for a few hours, but had fallen asleep. I guess that's something. I'd really like her to understand that we wanted to give her a good day. We had planned and were trying to do that. The intention was always good.
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BeagleGirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 570



« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2017, 10:46:10 AM »

DH,
    Thanks for answering those questions.  I totally understand (and believe) that your intentions were all good.  Hopefully you got some insight into the mysterious ways of a woman's mind.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

BG
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formflier
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2017, 10:54:52 AM »


My advice... .let all of this go.  Never speak of it again.

Before future events, I would ask via text if she has specific desires for seating or action on the part of a kid.  Don't promise it will happen... .just ask.

A similar "unreasonable" thing happened over mother's day at my house.  It appears my wife decided she has specific things she wanted done on Saturday.  I had a few conversations with her prior to this about mothers day plans and she said she would be ok with whatever.

So... .I let it roll, did the best I could and when she tried to "invite me to engage"... .I declined (didn't argue).

Basically... .the focus is on doing your side in a manner you are happy with... .and let the rest go.

FF
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2017, 11:00:34 AM »

  I'd really like her to understand that we wanted to give her a good day. We had planned and were trying to do that. The intention was always good.

Perhaps... .perhaps... .if you can catch her in a good moment, it may be worth saying something succinctly to her about this.  Or asking how she enjoyed her day... .and desires for next year.

Perhaps... .it would need to be a good day.

Generally when nons "want them to understand" something, that is pretty close to "i wish they would think differently"... .

Chances that is going to happen?

FF
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DearHusband
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« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2017, 02:47:50 PM »


Chances that is going to happen?


  Basically zero.
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2017, 02:59:14 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

So... .expend energy on things that matter... .things that have a chance of working.  For the rest of it... .save the energy. 

Even if you just "splurge" and spend the energy on youself... .it's worth it.

FF
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