Back Again and still Dazed

[DazedD40]

Hi everyone, back again! Been away for the past 7/8 months after getting back together with my pwBPD (undiagnosed). In the past I've normally been on the detatching board but I feel it more apt that I post here as although the relationship is over, we are still very much in contact and still seeing one another.

I'm not sure whether to tell the story again! Guessing you can see previous posts so you can get the back story that way but in a nutshell this 5 year relationship has had it all. Cheating, splitting, triangulation, gaslighting, the full delmonty. There's been tremendous highs and hell bound lows and here I am crawling back yet again as we go through another low period where the relationship has again come to an end but this time in a different fashion. Normally it all goes crash bang wallop but this time it's very amicable in ways.

After the last split we both went in to NC after a vicious break up and lots changed, I started moving on with my life and started rebuilding after she painted me black, triangulated me with others, smeared my name to her family etc... I just went away and kept my head down and made the best attempt at NC I could and all in all started to feel better. After a few months she came back full of apologees, full of love you's and seemed to have got her act together. I of course brought straight back in to things and fell back in to her arms and we started dating one another again. Right from the off she wanted to keep things low key and we didn't put any pressure on one another but slowly as time wore on we became more and more involved and I found myself letting my gaff down and letting her back fully in to my life, problem was, she wouldn't do the same. I would often ask if she was going to tell her family and friends we were back together and if we could hang out with her daughter and my sons but she would never allow this to happen stating she wasn't ready to commit to that. I have always thought that was due to the lies she told her family about me being the cause of her mental health issues and her using them to triangulate me with. She always said she would wait for the right time to discuss our relationship with her family and I always thought she would but it never happened. In the 7/8 months we were back together I saw her daughter for an hour one day earlier this year. All during this time she had open access to my life and I grew increasingly frustrated at her ambivalence to open up her life to me. I wasn't allowed to get home, which she shares with her parents, wasn't allowed to participate in family occasions nor would she allow her daughter and my sons to hang out. My sobs would always ask me why this was and I run out of things to tell them, yet I clinched on in the hope she would open the door again.

It got to the point where I started to feel the reason she wouldn't allow me in was due to her needing a quick getaway in the event of the relationship not working out plus there's the small matter of her having to go back on the lies she told about me leaving her looking stupid and no longer the victim. Again I went to her to address this and she said she was not going to budge on matters. She said her being closed off in ways was her way of self preservation. In the end I said I couldn't accept that anymore and we kinda ended on a break but I somehow recycled things before she hit me with a silent treatment on the weekend of her daughters birthday. I say for 4 days not hearing a word from her. I did before the silent treatment t started when she told me that she wanted to spend time with her family and that she wasn't going to think about me or the relationship that weekend. When she felt the time was right to end the silence she advised me that she was no longer in love with me, admitted she was never going to allow me back in to her life and that we are just not going to make things work as we keep trying and trying but we always end up breaking up. She said she felt we should just give up and find happiness elsewhere. However she said she wanted to stay friends and that was very important to her as she loves me as a best friend now and not a lover.

I showed no emotion to this and if I'm honest I could see this coming from the moment we got back together. So here we are being friends that text all through the day and night, call one another usually daily, hang out on our downtime together. This weekend just gone she stayed at my place, we had a weekend of great sex and basically played boyfriend and girlfriend bit we're of course not together.

I've shown no emotion to her, nor begged nor told her I want us to be together. A lot of the contact is initiated by her like txts/calls etc but I'm also guilty as I can feel I'm still chasing her. I'm stuck in that, will we won't we, cycle and it feels really foggy. I'm not sure if she's using me, wants to work st things or just views me as a fwb. Will this fizzle out, will we have a massive row to finish things, is she using me until new supply comes along? I have so many thoughts and feelings going on and I know the sensible thing to do would be to say, nope I can't do this friends thing st the moment but I'm struggling to do that but also struggling to stay on this friend zone situation.

Kinda feel I'm losing the plot thinking of what this is all about.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dazed, What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  I can't figure out where this r/s is headed.  Do you want a friends w/benefits r/s with her?  It seems like you are leaving it up to her to dump you again or are waiting for things to "fizzle out."  Why are you chasing her while showing no emotion?  What's the point, from your point of view?  Presumably something more than "great sex" keeps you hangin' on.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim