I flew into an unprovoked rage at him last night. Worried about my sanity now.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDhub has been doing a bit better recently. His doc adjusted his medication & he's been participating more in his individual therapy & in our marriage counseling. Strangely, it seems as though since he's been improving (hopefully), my anger is getting worse. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD from the things he's done to me in the past (specifically, bullying me into sex, infidelity, and threats).
Unfortunately yesterday, I was in a terrible mood & feeling very agitated in general. I started thinking about all his terrible past behaviors towards me, and although he did nothing yesterday to provoke me, I started screaming at him out of the blue, bringing up every single thing he ever did that caused me emotional harm. I went into an absolute rage & even got to the point where I think I may have disassociated, bc I have a very foggy memory of some of the things I said & did in my rage state. This is the 2nd or 3rd time I've done this now, & I'm getting concerned for my sanity.
My therapist recently retired, so I haven't had any therapy for weeks. Luckily, I see my new therapist today.
Wondering if anyone else gets like this and how you deal with it when all the anger and resentment of the pwBPD's past behaviors begins to surface. Suggestions?

[bananas2]

My BPDhub has been doing a bit better recently. His doc adjusted his medication & he's been participating more in his individual therapy & in our marriage counseling. Strangely, it seems as though since he's been improving (hopefully), my anger is getting worse. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD from the things he's done to me in the past (specifically, bullying me into sex, infidelity, and threats).
Unfortunately yesterday, I was in a terrible mood & feeling very agitated in general. I started thinking about all his terrible past behaviors towards me, and although he did nothing yesterday to provoke me, I started screaming at him out of the blue, bringing up every single thing he ever did that caused me emotional harm. I went into an absolute rage & even got to the point where I think I may have disassociated, bc I have a very foggy memory of some of the things I said & did in my rage state. This is the 2nd or 3rd time I've done this now, & I'm getting concerned for my sanity.
My therapist recently retired, so I haven't had any therapy for weeks. Luckily, I see my new therapist today.
Wondering if anyone else gets like this and how you deal with it when all the anger and resentment of the pwBPD's past behaviors begins to surface. Suggestions?

[isilme]

I think it's pretty normal once we get to a point where we are not currently in "fight or flight" mode and our other emotions kick in.  I realized after being on the childhood survivor boards on here that I felt not just sad about my childhood, and guilt from how I was trained to feel, but I actually had to admit I felt rage at how I was treated as a kid.  It was WRONG.  I did NOT deserve it.  And it took me years and years to realize those feelings were in me. and later, how to manage them. 

In my case, I posted recently that I let myself use driving alone as a pressure valve to get my feelings out.  I keep the windows up, and I yell and scream and sometimes cry until it's all out, while I am alone, in a car, with little chance of anyone I know seeing or hearing me.  It feels "safe" to me to do it that way, and allows a way for me to vent so I'm not as tempted to strike back when H starts in.  I also grew up isolated and as an only child, so talking to myself has always been something I do to sort things in my mind. 

I think I remember you writing that you were not able to just get up and leave your home, so I know this exact method won't work for you, but it may help to at least once a week while he is at work and you feel you won't be disturbed to just can you let it out? 

[Grey Kitty]

I call what was happening before your BPDh consuming all the "emotional oxygen" in the room. There was no space for you to have feelings, and if you got upset, he turned ti around and made it all about him.

Now he's "better". He's not consuming it all.

You took a deep breath. (emotionally) Out of the blue, feelings you had stuffed back in the prior time, when you COULDN'T express or even experience them came out.

In your case, they came out in a screaming rage.

That your feelings came out seems like an indication that you are healing/recovering somewhat. It is a good sign.

That said, you and I both know that you can look for healthier ways to express them in the future. (I suspect your feelings will continue to come out; you'll have more chances to work on this!)

[bananas2]

I let myself use driving alone as a pressure valve to get my feelings out.  I keep the windows up, and I yell and scream and sometimes cry until it's all out, while I am alone, in a car, with little chance of anyone I know seeing or hearing me.

Ya know what is the most excellent place to primal scream & yell & cry? An automated car wash. Wait until those doors shut & those water jets start spraying. Scream, cry, smash the steering wheel. Nobody will ever hear (or see) you. So freeing!

I think I remember you writing that you were not able to just get up and leave your home, so I know this exact method won't work for you, but it may help to at least once a week while he is at work and you feel you won't be disturbed to just can you let it out? 

Thank you for remembering this (wish my memory was as good)! I do attempt to do this about once per week. So incredibly cathartic.

That your feelings came out seems like an indication that you are healing/recovering somewhat. It is a good sign.

Thank you. Really needed to hear this.

[waverider]

When there is no current issue clouding your mind it often happens that you start reflecting on the "big picture'. It can be then that all the feelings of being aggrieved/loss/hopelessness can kick in.

As said earlier you are not in fight or flight mode. It just seems so unfair and you start to point the finger for this, everything comes flooding out of the memory at once and overwhelms you. The anger starts to build, you can feel it and you can see you cant control it. It is like being swept away in an avalanche.

It happens, don't overly guilt yourself over it, it has less impact on the pwBPD than it does on you. They speak emotions and will take it as that, not for the specific things you say.