Is it ever approprate to tell your child that his parent has BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, I'm new here. My ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD 2005. At the time he minimized the diagnosis and I didn't really look into it on my own. I was still very much in his control. We have an 11-year-old son together. I am currently reading "Stop walking on eggshells", and I have pretty much cried through the whole thing. I knew I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but I don't think I fully grasped the nuances that permeated my entire relationship with him. Co-parenting is a nightmare. It's all my current partner and I ever seem to talk about. Lately I've been wondering if it would help my son if he knew that his father has BPD. Is that fair? Is it fair not to tell him? He has a therapist helping him set boundaries cultivate communication skills. But even with the best efforts you get trapped in some mind ___s.

Thanks for reading.

[boblawblah]

Hello, I'm new here. My ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD 2005. At the time he minimized the diagnosis and I didn't really look into it on my own. I was still very much in his control. We have an 11-year-old son together. I am currently reading "Stop walking on eggshells", and I have pretty much cried through the whole thing. I knew I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but I don't think I fully grasped the nuances that permeated my entire relationship with him. Co-parenting is a nightmare. It's all my current partner and I ever seem to talk about. Lately I've been wondering if it would help my son if he knew that his father has BPD. Is that fair? Is it fair not to tell him? He has a therapist helping him set boundaries cultivate communication skills. But even with the best efforts you get trapped in some mind ___s.

Thanks for reading.

[Thunderstruck]

We don't label uBPDbm (because she's undiagnosed and it not our job to diagnose her). I don't think it's helpful for SD12 to hear "Your mom has BPD" from us because it'll probably sound like name calling to her. So we address it by addressing the behaviors... .How her mom is very emotional and has difficulty controlling her emotions. How mom can be impulsive by spending money. How her mom has difficulty with relationships (friends, family, and romantic). I think we describe it as mom's type of personality (we all have different personality traits and these are mom's), which I think (hope) comes off as non-judgemental.

What's funny is, when we bought the book Stop Walking on Eggshells SD (who was 9 at the time I think) looked at the title and said "That's like my mom, I'm always walking on eggshells around her". Yep kiddo, we know. I guess they picked the right title. 

[Turkish]

Though it may be legally acceptable to tell kids if there is an official diagnosis (and we've had members here who have done this), it's generally thought that it may not be the best thing to do.  It may be,  however,  helpful when the kids are teenagers.  There is no pat answer to this.  My ex is clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  I may be in the clear if it came to court,  but they are 5 and 7. They would only understand given how they view the world at these ages.  So what's best for the kids? Focusing on this is the right thing to do. 

It may be,  given your son's age,  ok to share this.  At 11, however,  it might be too young.  Think: "age appropriate." Think of how difficult it's been for you to understand BPD. Then think of how you might have understood it at your 11 year old self.

A better tack might be to focus on his dad's behaviors, and helping him deal with those in a validating way.  "You know your dad gets angry. How do you feel when he's like that?" Then SET him,  and pass on the tools that can help.  That way, you focus on your son.  He's on the verge of teenhood. Even if he's a mature kid,  he might take the diagnosis as an excuse to blame his dad and engage in unhealthy teenage behaviors to excuse himself.

[Keepingreal]

Hi boblawblah -

Welcome! I am pretty new here myself, and I don't have children. That being said, I am a college professor and teach courses specifically on disenfranchised non-death losses across the lifespan. Many of my students over the last eight years have embraced "writing as rescue," using assignments or writing prompts to work through non-death losses from early childhood to their present moment (usually emerging adults). Every semester, I receive narrative papers from students working through the losses they have experienced from mental health unwellness of a parent, often clinical depression, bipolar, or, sometimes, BPD. I am not a clinical therapist, but a grief expert and an educator; however, universally, these young adults express frustration, pain, and resentment that their parent(s) were not honest with them about their parent's illness. They frequently write that they lost trust in both parents as a result of being lied to or having the truth "covered up" or mitigated with euphemisms. Just as we can and should talk honestly to children about death, so too do I believe we need to talk to kids about mental illness or disorders in the family system. I am happy to talk more about my experience with students grieving parental mental health problems if you are interested.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[MiaP]

Hi boblawblah,

my ex partner has not been formally diagnosed but I believe he is BPD. We have a 3 year old together and his daugther from his first marriage, my stepdaugther, who is 15 is also living with me.

When I  first heard of BPD I didn't tell her anything, even though to me a lot of his behaviours throught the years suddenly had an explanation and somehow that made it better for me. I didn't know if I should tell her about her father's disorder, especially because he does not have a formal diagnosis. I would talk to her about his behaviours and try to explain why he acts the way he does.

One day, she was particularly affected by one of his rages and the two of us were talking after he left, and she was the one who said "he must have some kind of personality disorder"! I was surprised to know that she had even heard of personality disorders, but I ended up telling her the truth, not that her father is BPD, but that I believe he is. To be honest I felt that not telling her would be to hide information that might help her cope with this hard situation.

I'm also reading "Stop Walking on Eggshels"... .

[takingandsending]

Similar to MiaP and Turkish,

There's no one right answer to this question. I believe it depends on the situation and the child. My S11 has been really hurt by my UPDxw. When my kid was in pain and confused about what he did wrong to make mom so mad at him (as a kid, he might possibly believed that she hated him in moments), I opted to tell him. I didn't go heavy on the explanation. I tried to go heavy on the validation - that the way she speaks to him and blames him hurts, that he didn't do anything to cause her upset, that it is normal to be confused when someone you love hurts you, that mom has an illness that causes her to behave as she does. I don't believe that she wants to be as she is, but it's all that she knows how to do.

But that was my very emotional response to seeing my son in pain. I could not bear the thought of him carrying her rage and rejection of him as his fault. It might not make sense in your case. These memories still make me cry, witnessing how often she hurt him. A kid needs validation, to know that he is not wrong and that some things make no sense, that it isn't supposed to be this way.

Once she asked for S5 (2 at the time) for a hug when she was in a funk, lying in bed. S11 (then 7) was in the adjacent room playing with his little brother, leaped over me and came running in to hug her. She said, "Not you. I want a hug from S5." He came out of that room with his head down, crushed. That kind of soul killing ... .I have no words. I was there for him, witness, consolation, validation, but it didn't make up for what had happened, for being painted black for no f-ing reason at all. In the end (years later), I felt he deserved to know the truth.

We don't talk much about her illness now, but at least he knows.

[Fie]

Hello Boblawblah and welcome  


I have a 8 year old daughter and me and her dad are separated since a long time. Her dad sometimes has odd behavior (autistic ?), his mum is BPD and my mum is BPD.  For me the most important thing is that my child knows that all kinds of 'odd' behavior of family members are *not her fault*. When I see behavior that really is not ok, I point it out. It's for me the right thing to do. I also teach her how to put up boundaries (and it's working).

If we do not do this with our children, I am convinced they will think everything is their fault, as children tend to think everything revolves around them. They need a healthy adult to put everything in perspective, and also to teach them the correct behaviors, as opposed to the 'off' ones, so they do not mimic everything.
 
My daughter used to have a lot of questions about her dad's behavior. ('Why does he never say he's proud of me / why does he never listen ? Is it me ? Or is something wrong with his ears ?' She thought it was  her fault and at times she also got very angry with him ('if it's his ears, why does he not go to the ear doctor ?'

One day I took a deep breath and I told her : 'listen, it's not your fault, and also not every daddy is like that' (her dad's wife had told her that). I told her that something was wired differently in her dad's brain, and that's why he acted strangely sometimes. I also told her he would probably never improve (he probably has light autism, he's not BPD I think).

She was shocked, especially when I told her it was something in his brain. But then I also told her that we all have something, everyone has his own problems, no one is perfect. That helped.

 Since that day, she's a lot calmer. She's accepted it - really beautiful to see. And their relationship got better. She will never have the perfect father, but as long as she knows that it's not her fault, and that she should not hope for him to change, I'm happy.

About the two BPD grandmothers, I tell her that they never learned to act as adults on some fronts. That they act like children sometimes (in an adult body). I teach her to look at them emphatically, but I am also very clear that they have a choice to behave differently. BPD is not a disease, it's a character disorder. If people really want, they can learn healthy behaviors (like children do when they grow up).

Very important is that our children learn to have boundaries. Since I had a BPD parent myself, I never developed boundaries during my upbringing myself. So also for me it's kind of new. Plenty of opportunities to practice boundaries with a kid who has 2 BPD family members :-)   A phrase I use a lot is : 'this is not my problem, it's the problem of ... .(person)'. We also draw situations sometimes. At some occasions we practiced with boxes: here is a box with my problems, there is a box with grandma's problems. Grandma is shouting : what do I do ? I go to my room, because the shouting should be in grandma's box, not in mine.

[snazzyjazz]

Just wanted to say I really appreciate everyone's replies here! In relation to what someone above commented, I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and when I finally figured it out at 17 or 18, I was furious that my extended family members never told me. From age 15 or 16, I reached out to some of them often enough about issues with my mom and they never told me, and had they done so, it wouldn't have taken me til age 19 to figure out I'm not crazy, that she actually DOES behave irrationally and verbally abusively. At age 7 or 8, a school friend told me my mom always had a glass of wine in her hands, which I'm sure came from her parents, and it upset me because I didn't think anything was wrong with it; looking back now, I don't think I would've been old enough then to understand the implications. Plus, it's hard because children and teens do often do things that require reprimands, firmness, and guidance from their parents, it's what parents are there for... .it's hard enough for them to learn to live in society with mentally healthy parents; how much more complicated would it get if we added uncertainty about our parents' rightness & motivation to the mix? I don't know how old is old enough to learn about parental mental illness... .I do like the idea of talking about behaviours, but again, I'm not sure what is appropriate when.