The Hurt In The Silence

[RomanticFool]

My uBPDex married lover showed insight that I had never attributed to her with the words 'There is so much hurt in the silence' when I asked her if she still wanted me after I had walked away for 5 weeks NC. That expression sums up our relationship. I felt she resorted to ST all the time but she told me she had less opportunity to text than I did. The hurt in the silence is what she put me through constantly. Ironic that she realised how it felt at the end.

It is obvious to me that throughout the 8 years of our on/off relationship I never really knew her properly. We were both married and leading double lives. That was never what I wanted. I wanted her. The final irony is that she told me I was more equipped to lead a double life - when we first met she was single and she had lied about being married. I am annoyed that she painted me as some kind of heartless lothario at the end while she tried to claimed the moral high ground. It made me angry and I felt like I wanted to denounce her as a fraud and a denier of her true self.

Anybody else have a similar experience?

[heartandwhole]

Hi RomanticFool,

I had a similar experience of sudden complete silence in my relationship with pwBPD. It was a stressful time for him, and after messages and phone calls and communication nearly every day, he just disappeared. I kind of panicked—which says a lot about where I was emotionally. And yes, it hurt a lot.

I've also learned that I tend to withdraw when I'm hurt, instead of lashing out. I wonder if some of my past partners have felt hurt by that. Did they think I was doing "silent treatment" with them? I hope not.

When your girlfriend said "there is so much hurt in the silence," did she mean when she retreated, or when you did, or both?

heartandwhole

[RomanticFool]

Hi heartandwhole,

Thank you for your response. Silence very definitely is not golden when it pertains to a lover. Sounds like you have experienced the exact same thing. It is crushing. My ex's MO was to use ST on me as punishment.

I tried to retaliate with ST but could never sustain it, I am too much of a communicator, so my MO was to lash out verbally. This undoubtedly made her retreat and I am working on my empathic impairment when anxious through this board.

When your girlfriend said "there is so much hurt in the silence," did she mean when she retreated, or when you did, or both?

That is the question I have been asking myself for over a week. I was the one who walked away and so I think she was finally experiencing how it feels to not be communicated with. Ironic really. She did say that  she felt guilty and was wondering how am I, so she showed some kind of understanding and compassion at the end. 14 years too late.

[Breathe066]

I am going through a divorce after an extremely painful marriage to a man with BPD with aspects of paranoia. The problem is, I still love him very much. We grew up together, then went our separate ways, married other people, raised families, had a couple of divorces and found each other again via the magic of Facebook at age 50.
I had no idea what had transpired in his life over the past 30-plus years. He was a little odd in high school, but we all were, so there really was no warning regarding his condition. I was swept off my feet, swept up in a romantic tidal wave, absolutely intoxicated by his unswerving devotion.
He had moved in with me within a few months and we were married a few months after that. I married him despite terrible anxiety about his alcoholism and his abusive behavior toward me. I am not a doormat. But I am a caretaker, a really top-notch caretaker, and I knew his family, so when he told me about how abusive and neglectful his family was, I understood. Besides, I was abused in childhood, too. I guess what I didn't pay enough attention to was that we reacted to our abuse differently because we had different resources and options available to us. In fact, our abuse and geography were really the only things our childhoods had in common. His parents were alcoholics. Mine adamantly did not drink. His childhood was chaotic. Mine was regimented to the point of being smothering.
His using the tales of his abuse to make me feel guilty for taking a stand for myself became a pattern in our relationship. Now he says there is so much negativity surrounding our relationship that we can no longer communicate. This decision happened two days ago when I told him that what he said to me was completely unacceptable and that he was cruel. After three months of separation riddled with horrifying verbal combat and heartbreaking apologies and tenderness.
There have been so many times that I have wanted him to leave me the hell alone. Waking up every morning to nasty, hurtful emails he sent while he was wasted has been awful and it happened every single day, but the past two mornings of silence have been even worse.
This has made me take a very negative view of myself at a time when I'm already struggling to simply put one foot in front of the other. Two days ago, my 12 year-old German Shepherd had to be euthanized. She was my best friend. We have been through so much together. My estranged husband knew her, sat here in my home petting her, playing games with her, and when I texted him to tell him about how the cancer had progressed and there were no options left aside from euthanasia, his response was "At least you met her needs. You certainly never met mine. I tried to train you to be a human being, but it was no use. You are not a human being. You kill everything around you. I can't believe you ever believed you could make me happy. Are you f*cking high?"
Yes, that was cruel and unnecessary and f*cked up. But you know what is worse? I hate the silence he has dealt me since and I miss him. Because as completely messed up as he is, how messed up must I be for wanting to hear from him?
His silence also bothers me because in two years there has never been a day that I did not hear from him. I worry about what kind of shenanigans he's up to with the divorce attorney and it makes it difficult to go about my daily life.

[allienoah]

Breathe066 your story resonates with me on so many levels. While my bfwBPD is not an alcoholic, I dare say his rages are so similar. We too connected around age 50 after dating briefly when we were 20ish. I too was swept off my feet by him. I actually took his unreasonable need for being first constantly-over our respective kids, families, etc-as further affirmation of how much he loved me. Well 4 years later, I am afraid to move in with him as his rages hurt too much emotionally. He will stop at nothing to hurt me. He actually broke up with me today because I finally took some steps for myself and am going away for 4 days with an old friend-female.
He is calling me selfish and accused me of all sorts of hateful stuff. I am so very hurt. The difference this time is that I understand this is his lashing out from his debilitating fear of abandonment. I can't help him, I can't change it. I have validated, I have empathized, I have stood my ground. I HAVE to start creating boundaries and enforcing them. I too am a MegaCaretaker. It has taken a great deal of work on myself to try to wean myself away from those tendencies. I know I am doing nothing wrong. So I guess my bf is in the midst of an extinction burst? I am not soothing the temper tantruming toddler this time. And now I have to take his rantings of how I am cocky, strutting my independence, am a horrible partner, am bigger than my britches,etc etc etc. And of course a healthy dose of name-calling and shaming was thrown at me. I sometimes feel like I need to wear armor with him. How do I maintain this sense of self under such fire? I plan on leaving in the morning and trying very hard not to address him. I guess NC is the best answer here? Don't beat yourself up for missing him. You love him. You have just decided not to deal with the abuse anymore and THAT is healthy. Hang in there. I too heard from my bf several times a day, and silence hurts. Just stay busy and try to keep the image of his last rage in your head. It will make it easier to just get by hour by hour. You've got this!

[RomanticFool]

Hi Breathe and allienoah ,

Sorry you are going both going through difficult times.

"At least you met her needs. You certainly never met mine. I tried to train you to be a human being, but it was no use. You are not a human being. You kill everything around you. I can't believe you ever believed you could make me happy. Are you f*cking high?"

Breathe, no person has the right to talk to another human being like this. It sounds like he is stuck in the HATER phase of your relationship (see the reading material on the evolution of the borderline r/s) and the pain and resentment is unbearable, so he lashes out. He cannot regulate his emotions. I note that he says you can no longer communicate but have you tried No Contact? I have found it is the best way to heal quickly. By staying in contact, presumably hoping for a reunion, you are keeping the wounds open. You need to give yourself a chance to heal.

It is worth reminding ourselves of the dysregulation that goes on inside a pwBPD:

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are most often associated with emotion dysregulation. However, according to Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there are five areas of dysregulation experienced by people with BPD:

1. Emotion Dysregulation: Emotion dysregulation means not managing your emotions in context. It happens when you must reduce or escape your emotions by not managing them, without regard to consequences. Emotional dysregulation can be rage, anxiety, depression, and not feeling validated.  

2. Interpersonal Dysregulation: Interpersonal dysregulation is indicated by chaotic relationships and fears of abandonment.

3. Self Dysregulation: Self dysregulation means an unstable sense of self and a sense of emptiness.

4. Behavioral Dysregulation: Behavioral dysregulation is characterized by self-injury and impulsive behaviors (such as substance abuse and promiscuity).

5. Cognitive Dysregulation: Cognitive dysregulation is indicated by paranoia and dissociative responses that are made worse by stressful situations.  

Dysregulation in any of these areas occurs when a person with BPD is out of control, not simply upset. Through the skills learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, you can learn to better control all of these areas by taking a step back, being more mindful, analyzing what works, and acquiring new behaviors.

This means that a borderline has so much emotional noise going on in their head they seek respite from the pain. The characteristics of BPD are a long-term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.

In short, none of this is personal against you, it is just his pathology playing out. With all of that stuff going on, he can only think about his pain and how to stop it.

allienoah, It sounds like your partner's abandonment fears have been triggered by your holiday. Good for you for sticking to your guns. You sound like somebody who is aware of how to empathise and validate a borderline, so perhaps you have come to the stage where you need to break up? If you do keep posting in here.

If you decide you want to save the relationship and keep learning strategies to deal with his behaviour then you can post on the saving board.

Whatever you decide the members here are on hand to give support. It is a very difficult time for you so keep posting and keep reading the suggested material here.

Remember none of us should accept abuse in a r/s whatever the pathology of our partner. Some borderlines are aware of their condition and get help. The outcomes for those pwBPD can be very positive.

I have found it useful to focus on myself and not my exBPD lover. I have discovered that under stress I can become empathically impaired and unwittingly trigger dysregulation in my ex. I have also realised that I am co-dependent and put up with ST and withholding for years because I was addicted to the relationship. I have been working to try to deal with my issues around co-dependency.

[RomanticFool]

Breathe, you may also find this article on Silent Treatment useful www.https://bpdfamily.org/2008/07/silent-treatment-when-your-partner-acts.html

I find it worse than verbal abuse personally. It gives us no chance to state our case. We are left alone with a well of anxiety and under stress we probably have emotional dysregulation ourselves making it a very painful experience.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi all. I was catching up on this thread and I have a question. What is the difference between Silent Treatment (ST) and No Contact (NC)? I ask because I personally experience them the same way.

[RomanticFool]

Hi onelittleladybug,

In my view ST is what happens as a form of punishment during a relationship and NC is what happens after a break up. The effects may very well be the same on us emotionally, but once we have gotten to the NC stage it usually means the relationship is over.

Hope that helps.

[bus boy]

My Xw has hardly spoke a word to me in 2 years and what little she did say was belittling or meant to manipulate in a devious way. It hurt but it does get better. All those years I spent looking for that kind word and all I got was abuse and the past 2 years I'm nothing but a dog you kick. Don't waste your good energy expecting anything different. It's up to us to detach and grow.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi RomanticFool

In my view ST is what happens as a form of punishment during a relationship and NC is what happens after a break up.

In my experience there are many reasons behind silent treatment. A lot of people "clam up", feel unsafe to communicate or feel foggy about their emotions and unable to explain how they feel. This is the case for my mother and as much as I hate it when she retreats in silence its a fact that she is not doing it intentionally to punish me. I usually respond by trying to coax her to speak. I even get impatient and bordering on aggressive, anything to stop the silent treatment which I experience as torture. But that is about the worst thing I can do. What usually works is to wait for her to be ready to come out of that place she is in while continuing to communicate to her about casual and mundane things. Sometimes we can have a good and constructive conversation but only after I have let her sort out her thoughts and feelings in peace and quiet. I wish things were different but thats just how it is.

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a man who I found to be so devaluing of my needs and perspective the rare occasions we fought, that I would retreat into the same state. It has never happened to me before or after, my mouth can go a million miles a minute usually. It was an interesting experience for me to be on the other side of the table. His perception/experience was that I was stonewalling him.

The effects may very well be the same on us emotionally, but once we have gotten to the NC stage it usually means the relationship is over.

I have tried to end a r/s by going NC, only to give up because it was too hard and decide it would be easier to try to mend things. My then partner probably experienced this as punitive silence. It wasnt intended that way, I was trying to protect myself.

IMO its relative and complicated.

[allienoah]

Romanticfool,
I am trying to read and learn the tools to deal with this. I have a long way to go, but I KNOW I have to get there or accept that this has to be over. I have wavered between forums because I am so conflicted about staying and healing, or detaching and healing,-its very confusing. But I know deep down that the reason he is calling me selfish and feels I am flexing my independent wings is because I have buried my soul for so long to caretake him that of course it looks like I am caring only for myself. I have put my feelings and desires aside for so long that he forgot I had them at all. I completely understand this and I guess that is why although I am very sad I don't have the usual anxiety and panic I have felt in the past with these situations. Don't get me wrong, I am so sad and upset, but it feels different somehow. It's funny but even as I was growing and getting more confident, I KNEW deep down that this would cause a serious problem.

[RomanticFool]

n my experience there are many reasons behind silent treatment. A lot of people "clam up", feel unsafe to communicate or feel foggy about their emotions and unable to explain how they feel. This is the case for my mother and as much as I hate it when she retreats in silence its a fact that she is not doing it intentionally to punish me. I usually respond by trying to coax her to speak. I even get impatient and bordering on aggressive, anything to stop the silent treatment which I experience as torture. But that is about the worst thing I can do. What usually works is to wait for her to be ready to come out of that place she is in while continuing to communicate to her about casual and mundane things. Sometimes we can have a good and constructive conversation but only after I have let her sort out her thoughts and feelings in peace and quiet. I wish things were different but thats just how it is.

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a man who I found to be so devaluing of my needs and perspective the rare occasions we fought, that I would retreat into the same state. It has never happened to me before or after, my mouth can go a million miles a minute usually. It was an interesting experience for me to be on the other side of the table. His perception/experience was that I was stonewalling him.

This is all very interesting to me because what you have just illustrated here is the exact dynamic between my uBPDex married lover and I played out for 8 years (in an on/off r/s over a 14 year period.

Having been on here for a few weeks, it has become clear that the way I reacted to my ex probably triggered this silent treatment. However, to do it for weeks on end while supposedly engaged in a relationship with somebody is abuse in my view.

[Breathe066]

RF,
Thank you. That list of the types of dysregulation is very helpful. It has occurred to me that if he got into a relationship with an abusive person, he might not experience cognitive dysphoria anymore, because his delusions of torment would no longer be delusions. He might actually have some peace of mind.  
Where can I find the list of r/s phases?
As for me, I have good days and bad days. Today is a bad day in a bad week. I'm trying to tell myself to give this ST of his a chance, maybe it will help me. But, I am so  codependent, I emailed him a photo of my dog's cremation urn, which I just picked up. Of course, no reply. And that hurt. But why am I hoping for a reply? I should hope there is no reply. His replies are 80 percent terrifying, the chance of getting a kind one is slim.
Allienoah, I wish I had managed to hold out for four years and then had seen the light rather than marrying after a year. Good for you for not falling for that.

[heartandwhole]

Hi all. I was catching up on this thread and I have a question. What is the difference between Silent Treatment (ST) and No Contact (NC)? I ask because I personally experience them the same way.

Hi onelittleladybug,

For what it's worth: I don't see ST and NC in the same way, and didn't experience them the same way in my relationship. At the time of my breakup, pwBPD and I talked about how we would move forward with our lives. I told him that I needed a time of NC in order to help me recover. I knew myself well enough that I had to get pwBPD out of my daily life in order to let go.

He understood that NC was all about what I needed to recover and respected that, for the most part. I was lucky in that I had a form of closure and we both expressed love and caring for each other during the breakup, as excruciating as it was.

Not everyone wants or needs to stop contact for a period of time to heal, but for some it is very helpful. He has contacted a few times recently, and it has been friendly, and brief.  I feel completely detached from the relationship, and truly wish him well.

Silent treatment to me seems to be more about cutting the person off, and/or attempting to control the other person, or at least elicit a response. NC is about us and taking care of ourselves. I also think if at all possible, NC should be communicated as such to the other person beforehand.

heartandwhole

[Breathe066]

Found it! The only problem is, I really wish the author had used the male pronoun a bit. So, I changed them:

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion -- but when that part makes its first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality [DING! DING! DING! SO TRUE!] But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt him."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on his birthday, or your anniversary.

[onelittleladybug]

However, to do it for weeks on end while supposedly engaged in a relationship with somebody is abuse in my view.

I agree its essentially abusive. But I can also say for myself it has not been helpful at all to put that label on it (abuse) when either processing or dealing with it. When I think about it in those terms I feel like I have been wronged somehow and I feel helpless. When I remember how my mother has described it to me what she feels and that she wants to come out of it but simply cant, I am more able to move on and not be hurt by it.

My pwBPD has at times admitted to intentionally retreating to get a reaction from me. I definitely dont like that. I do think his silent treatments are more about being in his protective shell than manipulating me. Whatever the case is the best way for me to deal is to go on with the rest of my life and not engage. Most recent ST: 8+ weeks. What began as NC turned into ST. Which is why Im feeling like its all gray area and not so clear cut.

[allienoah]

I know that I truly cannot heal unless I go NC. It is taking everything I have right now to keep from contacting him. I honestly love the man, hate the behavior. I also know that abuse at any level is abuse and it is wrong. Am I silly to think that if I go NC, after he broke up with me, that it won't really do anything? Or do I just take it as a tool to heal, and try to get stronger to avoid a recycle? I do NOT want it to be confused with ST. If he starts to reach out, which he probably will, what to do? I am really trying very hard to not go down the rabbithole again and start overthinking and projecting.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi heartandwhole

At the time of my breakup, pwBPD and talked about how we would move forward with our lives. I told him that I needed a time of NC in order to help me recover. I knew myself well enough that I had to get pwBPD out of my daily life in order to let go.

He understood that NC was all about what I needed to recover and respected that, for the most part. I was lucky in that I had a firm of closure and we both expressed love and caring for each other during the breakup, as excruciating as it was.

Not everyone wants or needs to stop contact for a period of time to heal, but for some it is very helpful. He has contacted a few times recently, and it has been friendly, and brief.  I feel completely detached from the relationship, and truly wish him well.

Thats NC being done right IMO. Unfortunately it doesnt always work out that way. When the r/s I described in my earlier post ended we both parted warmly and I then told him I needed to go NC for a while to process. Not the least because he was rebounding pretty early (2 months, we had been living together for 2 years). We both expressed the wish to be in touch down the line, possibly even friends. To make a long story short when I reached out after a few months, he blocked me and has ever since! He was a Non and nothing ugly happened between us, we just weren't compatible. This was 6 years ago. I can tell you what it looks like in my eyes: Extreme, unstable and confirmed I made the right choice to end the r/s. Anyway I just wanted to share that story but yes I ultimately agree with you that NC can be very healing.

Silent treatment to me seems to be more about cutting the person off, and/or attempting to control the other person, or at least elicit a response.

From my personal experience it has more often been about clamming up, feeling unsafe to express yourself or unable to identify or articulate your feelings. But yes it happens as manipulation and/or punishment too. For me I cannot be ok with it if used as punishment, but I can empathize with it as emotionally reactive if that makes sense?

[RomanticFool]

hi onelittleladybug,

Did he instigate the ST? How did you go from ST to NC. Just sounds like her gave up talking to you.

[RomanticFool]

Hi allienoah,

Am I silly to think that if I go NC, after he broke up with me, that it won't really do anything? Or do I just take it as a tool to heal, and try to get stronger to avoid a recycle?

Not at all silly. NC is essential to give yourself time to heal AND to avoid a recycle. It is extremely hard but will lead to healing quicker. This is the second time around for me with the same ex and it hurts far worse this time. Don't let yourself get to my situation. Walk away now and give yourself a chance to find healthy love.

[onelittleladybug]

hi onelittleladybug,

Did he instigate the ST? How did you go from ST to NC. Just sounds like her gave up talking to you.

Oh no he went NC. If you havent read up on my story we live next to each other in a duplex. We started a r/s, it I got the full blown BPD experience from day one and we have been on again off again for 8 months. Things were getting better after I started learning the tools but I became impatient, we were already damaged from on again off again and we had a big blowout. He blocked me on FB, FB messenger, Google Hangouts which we used a lot to communicate. Didnt answer SMS, emails, would drive around the block when we arrived to the house at the same time (we park next to each other). Drunkenly growled at me outside the house in the first couple weeks after the fight. He went on a huge 10 day bender after the fight and I was seriously worried about him. Returned a little flower that I picked in the garden and put on his windshield, to my windshield... .I contacted him exactly 3 times: 1) SMS: Thanks for mowing the lawn. 2) Outside the house when he was drunk: Are you ok? Do you need anything? 3) Indirect contact/flower on the windshield.

It was fun ;-) (read with sarcasm). Im just very well versed in STs from my r/s with my mother. Im saying it turned from NC to ST because as we live next to each other I started seeing signs that he wanted attention from me. It slowly grew and I just waited. Things like sitting on his patio catching some rays with his shirt off facing where I always sit on my patio where I can see him. With the back of his head facing the sun. Picking the timing to mow the lawn to make sure I would also be outside. It was a bit cute and a lot like he was when he was trying to get my attention when I moved in. One day I got a text if I wanted anything from the store. I know when he is rebuilding a bridge because its already happened many times before (just not this long). The next text was about wanting to go on a day trip with me. He still has be blocked on FB and Hangouts but we are spending time together again.

Im worried Im hijacking your thread though

[allienoah]

Thanks romanticfool! So going NC will serve a dual purpose. It is hard, but with the help of kind people like yourself I can manage this-I hope. Look, it's after 2 and I haven't reached out! little by little. I know I deserve and need healthy love. I really look forward to it. This drama is exhausting for both of us. I am not perfect and I need to work on why I am such a caregiver that I help perpetuate these situations. I honestly thought he was the love of my life-that is what makes me so sad.

[RomanticFool]

onelittleladybug, You're not hijacking my thread. It is about ST and that is what we are talking about. Even if it wasn't believe me I've said plenty these last 2 weeks. Helping others is helping me. It is a major part of the recovery. Also looking at myself and how my own behaviours and background has made me susceptible to BPD and NPD attention. Check out my posts if you feel like it.

This all sounds horribly familiar. The ST and then the slow thaw. I think in your case there is no such thing as NC as you live next door and will always see him. I would find that situation very difficult. The way he is behaving is like teenage love and that's why it reminds me of my ex. She was exactly the same. When I first broke contact she messaged me after 5 weeks saying, 'Thinking of you.' I replied and she ignored the reply. I rang her 3 times and no answer. Then two days later I got a message, 'I can talk today.' When she rang I answered and she said, 'You asked me to call you.' Like dealing with a teenager!

[RomanticFool]

Hi allienoah,

Thanks romanticfool! So going NC will serve a dual purpose. It is hard, but with the help of kind people like yourself I can manage this-I hope. Look, it's after 2 and I haven't reached out! little by little.

Yes, NC is the only way. Helping you helps me, that's how this works! My heart goes out to you about clock-watching. However, when I was seeing my ex I was looking at my phone every few minutes of every day. I was obsessed. You know what has taken its place? Looking on here at people's posts - and guess what? They actually reply! It is doing my spirit the world of good. I think I have PTSD from my r/s. Hope that serves as a stark warning to keep away from yours. They can always drag you down to even darker places. Don't be pulled there.

I know I deserve and need healthy love. I really look forward to it.

You absolutely do. Go out and find it.

This drama is exhausting for both of us. I am not perfect and I need to work on why I am such a caregiver that I help perpetuate these situations. I honestly thought he was the love of my life-that is what makes me so sad.

This may be hard to hear, it was for me. You have to focus on yourself now. Read up about Co-dependency:

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship

It is often referred to as 'love addiction' because we take on the behaviour of an addict. We the love fix and we idealise the other person as our one true love. HE IS NOT YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE - in fact - HE IS ONE PERSON YOU SHOULD NOT BE WITH. The relationship is the opposite to nurturing and fulfilling. It is abusive in nature and we hang around in these r/s because we need to be validated and of course we never will be.

What was your r/s like with your mother and father? Can you see anything in there that would make you hang around with somebody who devalues you? Keep reading around the subject.

It is exhausting and so you must now be good to yourself. Look after yourself physically and emotionally. Keep posting here. We are all here for each other.

[onelittleladybug]

Check out my posts if you feel like it.

I have been lurking for the whole 8 weeks, not feeling like posting because there was no contact. Didnt want to ruminate on things that happened but wanted to learn. Ive read everything posted here in the last few months, well not the family/kids/divorce section. But Ive read all of yours. I have feedback for you but Im running out of time today so I will have to post a bit later. You are right, it is good to share experiences. Nice to "meet" you RF

I think in your case there is no such thing as NC as you live next door and will always see him. I would find that situation very difficult. The way he is behaving is like teenage love and that's why it reminds me of my ex.

I agree completely. NC is impossible when living next to each other. I guess I just waited for him to find out on his own. And yes it is like teenage love. But the thing is we chose this. We are one half of the r/s.

A lot more on that later.

As I have to go attend to business, I just want to say for now to Allienoah:

I hope my posts are not coming off as dismissive to NC. I think it can do miracles with healing. I do think you have to be sure and ready. Its completely for you to heal. The side effect of it is that it can cause the door to close permanently and you have to be ready to live with that. If you have doubts or arent ready yet I personally would wait a bit until you are. Whatever you decide Im on your cheerleading team. This is only my 2c. Others may see it differently or have a different experience, I can only share mine.

[RomanticFool]

Nice to meet you too ladybug!

I look forward to your feedback.

I have had massive doubts about NC but if I give in to it, and believe me I really feel like contacting her, I will just be back at square one. So what I would add about NC is only go against it if you think the relationship is worth saving and that your partner will get some help. Without that it will just be more of the same - or worse.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi again Romanticfool

The feedback I wanted to offer you is specifically on the affair dynamics as they are something Im a bit familiar with through some personal experience and people close to me. I dont want to derail this thread, Silent Treatment is a really important topic. I was looking through your threads and wondering where would be best to chime in. Is this a good place https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309952.msg12870227#msg12870227 or is there another better suited thread that you can suggest?

[RomanticFool]

That thread is fine for feedback Ladybug.

[allienoah]

Hello all, and again thank you for all of the supportive feedback and guidance. I just returned from a 4-day vacation with my girlfriend, and my bfwBPD went ballistic! He has done nothing but text me about how on earth could I want to go away girls only, how could I let her stay at my place pre-and post-flight (she lives in another state) and how I'm acting like a single person. Nothing could be further from the truth. He has been gaslighting me for 3 days and yesterday, when I got home I decided enough is enough. He wanted me to ask my friend to leave last night. Completely out of the question. And he said I refuse to meet his needs, and make him a priority. So NC it is. I have had enough of these tantrums and demands and ultimatums. We were supposed to go to CT tonight, but quite frankly I really don't want to see him nor speak with him. I miss his good side but he showed none of it while I was away. If anything, he went out of his way to attempt to make me miserable. So- if he thinks he is giving me the ST, he really has no clue that I have gone NC. Am I being unreasonable? Should I let him know?