Remember how he broke his glasses on our trip? I need help responding to this...

[Lalathegreat]

A month later he is finally coming around to taking care of that. For those who have been following my story, I set a firm boundary this weekend that led to an emotional breakdown on Mother's day, followed by a few days of NC while pwBPD tantrumed about my not allowing him to backhandedly manipulate my plans for Monday. We shared a few texts yesterday in which pwBPD appeared to be contrite and apologized for his actions and that was basically the starting point of contact again.

So today he goes to see about replacing his broken glasses and I recieve this string of texts. I could REALLY use input on how to respond.

"My eyeglass frame does not exist anymore... .

And they will not fill my prescription without a new eye exam... .

I'm going to be down close to $1000 (remember he is out of work and has no insurance)

:.(

This needs to stop. I am responsible and it only falls on me. But I cannot have this happen again
I cannot get hurt like this. I cannot fear for my emotional life. Not good.

The solution that I can rely on is staying away from problems that cause me infinite emotional panic. Other than that, I need to rely on others to keep me safe.

It's gonna be $1k and 2 more weeks until I see again."

Ok, so even though he states "I am responsible and it only falls on me", clearly the implication is that he feels that his broken glasses are my fault. I am not sure how I can respond in a healthy way that doesn't violate MY position that he broke his glasses in a moment of emotional abuse towards ME. His reference to needing to be protected from "infinite emotional panic" is SOO scary to me. I feel like he is asking me to promise that I will never trigger him again - a promise that I could NEVER hope to keep. I feel like I am being set up by being asked to do the impossible and is very telling of his complete lack of emotional awareness.

Ok, so validating... ."I'm so sorry, it must be very upsetting to find out that it will cost so much $ to fix your glasses." And then what?

Mother freakin' minefield I tell ya what... .

[formflier]

Ok, so even though he states "I am responsible and it only falls on me", clearly the implication is that he feels that his broken glasses are my fault. 

First of all... .this part in on you.   Listen... I'm a classic overthinker and I used to (sometimes still do) spend a lot of time trying to figure out what my pwBPD "is thinking". 

Now I mostly assume that if she wants to share her thoughts... .she will.  Sometimes I ask very... very open ended questions and I never suggest a negative view.  (like... are you mad about that?)

So... .pay attention to NONE of the thoughts you believe him to be having, pay attention to NONE of the things he says abusively, pay attention to the things he actually says in a healthy way.

For abusive things he says... .pay attention enough to know you need to leave... .then drop the line of thinking.

Now... .to you question... what to do.

My vote is to let him know that you believe in him and his ability to solve it... very generally.  I don't see a clear "validation target"... .so... I'd skip that.

Honestly... .I think it best he self soothe and find his "emotional support" in himself.  Sort of recenter himself.


perhaps... ."Hang in there!  I'm impressed with you ability to solve hard problems, I bet you'll figure this out."  then perhaps a hug emoji or something.

Can you think of an example of something he "solved".

Please don't think of "supporting" him... .think about "believing in him".  (remember... mindset change).

Thoughts?

FF

[DearHusband]

Yeah. What FF said. I would have responded as follows:

That totally sucks. What are you going to do? I heard that "Costco Optical earned the highest scores for overall satisfaction as well as for price, with its $157 median price for glasses. Exams are only $49."

It doesn't admit anything. It doesn't offer anything. It tries to be helpful. It assumes he will take care of it on his own. It's not very empathetic or validating though. That's where I could use some work.

DH

[Lalathegreat]

You are so right... .I do spend WAY too much emotional bandwidth trying to figure out what he is thinking and then I do jump right into trying to figure out how to help him emotionally soothe. I know that I don't "presume competence" where he is concerned and I have to imagine that makes it easier for him to put things on me to "fix". Then I sit here trying to figure out why he lies around relying on me to do all the things... .Honestly though, I can't think of a single time that he was able to solve a hard problem. In fact, he is generally very unhinged when faced with "life" challenges. (Did I share the story of how my car battery died the night we got back from our trip and what an absolute nightmare the following morning was as a result?) But I digress.

I responded with:

"I'm sorry, that's rough news. I know you will figure this out. (kiss emoji) I've heard that Costco is good quality and affordable, worth a look?"

My guess is that he already pulled the trigger on whatever this $1000 deal is though... .oof

We'll see what he says... .

[Lalathegreat]

Ugh, ok follow up... .how do you not get your feelings hurt and take it personally? This is a carryover problem from the nastiness that was my Monday as well. ALL THE THINGS HE SAID... .I know this is his own ___. I know that he doesn't mean it the way that you or I would mean it. I know that he probably doesn't even remember half the stuff he said. But as a non, I read his stuff and it's basically: "I gave you this relationship because YOU wanted it, you take my time and energy and resources when I could be ___ing other women but don't because of YOU and then you constantly make me emotionally panicked and I can't stand to be around you."

I know I know - DO NOT GO THERE. But tonight I'm just fragile and want to cry.

[formflier]

     

"I gave you this relationship because YOU wanted it, you take my time and energy and resources when I could be ___ing other women but don't because of YOU and then you constantly make me emotionally panicked and I can't stand to be around you."

Do I understand this correctly... .he sent this tonight/today?  Perhaps in response.  If I am correct and he just recently sent this... .in last few hours.

Consider the following.  If you are reading things he sent a few days ago... .you know the answer... .no good can come of that.

So... if recent.

"Stop sending me abusive texts"

Don't respond to anything else until, unless there is an apology.  Let's say there is an apology tomorrow afternoon.

"I appreciate the apology.  The abusive words hurt my feelings really bad.  I'm going to care for myself for a couple days.  I'll be in touch on (insert a couple days out) to make plans for (insert another future date)."

You are speaking your truth.  Those words hurt.  You are being responsible for you and you are letting him know there will be communication and an open door in the future.

Thoughts?

      This is hard stuff... .please care for yourself.

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Yes FF - that was his second text in response to mine. The first was "It's fine whatever."

I sent: "Your words are hurtful, please stop." He has sent 3 texts essentially saying that he doesn't really care.

So I'm back in my bunker. Hard stuff indeed.

[BeagleGirl]

       

Hang in there Lala.  As much as this hurts, you are doing the right things.  pwBPD may not care that he is hurting you, but I care.  I care a lot.  I want better for you.  I want, almost as badly as you do, for pwBPD to see the value you have.  I want him to recognize that you are loving him enough to stand in a place of health and hope and invite him to join you despite the barbs he is throwing at you from his place of pain and helplessness.

BeagleGirl

[formflier]

I sent: "Your words are hurtful, please stop." He has sent 3 texts essentially saying that he doesn't really care.
 

NC... .at all.  If he reaches out via text or otherwise and seems somewhat apologetic, I would recommend the thank him, let him know you are hurting and will be taking care of yourself, and YOU will reach out in a few days.

I'm interested in your thoughts on choosing the word "hurtful" vice "abusive".

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I sent: "Your words are hurtful, please stop."

That one brings back memories. I used to try doing that. It didn't go better than what you saw.

My wife had an amazing level of "skill" at what I called doubling down on the invalidation. It went like this:

She does something hurtful, something that rejects me, judges me, etc.

I tell her that it hurt and ask her to stop.

Where did that come from? Well, I was thinking that she didn't intend to hurt me, didn't want to hurt me, but didn't realize she was hurting me. I probably got that idea because thousands of times I would say or do something with no ill intentions, and she would get hurt, and she would blame me for hurting her. (Sometimes I was being invalidating before I learned about that. After I learned, it still happened, even if I wasn't being invalidating). I always felt bad for hurting her and would stop immediately, and wanted to make it better. So I guess I figured she was 'just like me'.

She wasn't 'just like me'. I honestly don't think she was aware of what she was doing, but the pattern of behavior was clear--her actions were designed to hurt me, and if I gave her a clue that it was working, she would do MORE of it, or twist the knife in a different direction.

Every damn time.

Eventually I learned NOT to offer those vulnerable requests to stop hurting me. Nothing good ever came from them.

[allienoah]

Lala I feel so badly that this situation exists for you right now and you are in your bunker. Don't you feel that whenever you try so hard to use the tools-validate, etc- and don't JADE, that somehow he finds a way to just hit you where it really hurts. I think we are very similar in many ways. I have to admit that earlier in the week I was feeling pretty positive about enforcing my boundaries and staying strong, and how that seemed to have a positive effect on my bf. I honestly thought we were growing and I was committed to staying. However, last night there was an extinction burst to end all extinction bursts. Horrible things were said to me, he was completely out of control, and of course broke up with me. He said he can't keep feeling like "this"-unhinged, afraid(of me leaving) and not put number one in my life. The reality is that his fear comes from himself-I never threaten with breakups, I think that is cruel-and he is unhinged because he is unable to control his emotions, and he can't comprehend that I need to put myself and my sanity first sometimes. He sucks the life out of me. Lala, you don't deserve to be abused. No one does. We love, and try, and learn tools. And then we suffer such sadness as these things transpire.

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you everyone so much! I have not responded, and after 5 texts twisting all the events during and since our trip I have heard nothing from him.
He definitely wanted ME to feel responsible for his actions of breaking the glasses - that I have refused to take that bait seems to be incredibly agitating to him. I will never understand how this works in his head so I have stopped trying. And I'm completely over these conversations where he brings up crap dating back weeks and months and kitchen sinks until I feel 1 inch tall and incapable of remembering what the original purpose for the conversation was. It makes me tired.

GK - winner winner chicken dinner! I think he was trying to hurt me, pointing that out did not seem to help matters other than to confirm for him that he was on the right track.

FF - I didn't use the word "abusive" because I was trying to soften it somewhat and make it about how I was feeling versus a direct accusation regarding his actions. Mistake. I should just call his ___ out - he gets mad either way.

BG - thank you, it means a lot to be reminded that people care and that I deserve to be treated... .well... .better than THIS.

Allienoah - sorry to hear that you're struggling right now too. This extinction burst stuff is really hard. I thought I had prepared myself, but I don't think you really can. For me I'm clinging with blind faith to the idea that this is the only thing I can do that will make things at all better whatever the outcome. He will either display some improvements, or I will get to a point where I'm able to avoid the active abuse making things tolerable, or this will be the end of the relationship. No matter what happens ultimately, I know that I can't go back to what I was doing because any of those 3 outcomes is better than what was happening.

[Grey Kitty]

I didn't use the word "abusive" because I was trying to soften it somewhat and make it about how I was feeling versus a direct accusation regarding his actions.

I've found that the best practice is to make it clear that you won't be participating in his (abusive) behavior. Anything else is gratuitous.

First off, you've probably told him a thousand times already that it hurts / stop it, and that hasn't worked. The thousand-and-first time is very unlikely to be different.

Second, if you try to put a label on it, whether abusive, or any other one, you leave it open for him to start a circular argument about why the label doesn't apply, or why you deserved it even if the label does apply... .all of which simply compounds the hurt and invalidation that you experienced in the first place and are trying to get away from, remember?

Third, at some level he does understand what he's doing, even though he won't admit it.

Your mileage may vary, and what language you are comfortable using may not be the same as mine, but one thing I did when in person when I was subjected to this was to respond in an emotionally neutral/flat way "f*** you" and leave it there.

It was the shortest way I could come up with to communicate "I know what you did, I don't like it, and I'm not going to try to explain it to you, 'cuz you know what you did too. I'm also not going to go any farther down this path. If you want to be in my presence and interact with me, this ends right now."

Texting loses the non-verbal cues, so if it is by text, I would end the text conversation and mute/block him, since I'm not sure what else to do that way.

[Lalathegreat]

OOH GK, you have NO IDEA how satisfying it would be on some level to drop the F bomb on my pwBPD when he pulls this crap. SOO SATISFYING! I also know that he has a thing with "feeling disrespected" and he has shown himself to be somewhat physically volatile so I hesitate to use this exact phrase. But I love the idea behind it. The "I know what you did and so do you and no more... ."

Thoughts on other phrases that might relate the same general idea?

Contrition on the menu this afternoon apparently. "We are at Lake S park and (son) is talking about how much fun it was last year when we went together. You're more of a Mom to him than he has ever known and he knows that. I will never yell at you again, please give me another chance."

Uh huh. I haven't responded yet. I don't want to.

[Grey Kitty]

FYI, I actually am a sailor, and I give myself permission to occasionally swear like one. I limit my usage of such words, as they lose their impact if overused. My wife was used to hearing it come out of my mouth decades before these incidents.

Soo... .no matter how satisfying it would be, it sounds like a bad idea for you... .

Thoughts on other phrases that might relate the same general idea?

"I'm not playing that game."

"I'm not going to put up with this."

"Cut it out."

Here's the deal--he knows what he did. You know what he did. You are saying this to make it clear that you know exactly what he's up to, and you aren't impressed.

And your point is that he should just drop it and move on, 'cuz you don't have the patience to deal with it.

[Lalathegreat]

"Cut it out"... .

Next time I have the opportunity that's what I'm going with. It's not as "disrespectful" as cursing, but it is clear and direct.

So I don't know your story real well as I'm relatively newish to the forums. How long were you with your wife? How did you finally determine it was time to cut your losses?

[formflier]

  You are saying this to make it clear that you know exactly what he's up to, and you aren't impressed.

 

Or... .you could say exactly what was meant.  "I know what you are doing, I'm not impressed."

"I know what you are doing, let me know when your tantrum is over"etc etc

GK makes a big point about overuse.  I could tell when my canned phrases lost their touch and I would switch.  I tried to change them up AND only say them when it was egregious.

Over time... .it slowly got better.

In fact... .I really don't have any "canned phrases" at the ready... .at the moment.  Reference me stumbling around a few weeks ago with telling my wife that tossing things was a "jerk move".

The point was made... but the phrase could have been sharper.

FF
FF