Marriage counseling

[RR4U]

Has anyone tried marriage counseling? And what's your thoughts?

Started it about a month ago and I feel I'm more angrier then ever!    It's always the same.  We tired in the past but I was afraid and didn't open up.  After 1 1/2 of individual therapy.  I am now speaking up in couples. He goes from wanting a "real" separation. ( History: we are legally separated but live as we Are not.). After saying that he comes home and wants to be all cuddly.  I'm so conflicted and confused

Any suggestions  on counseling greatly appreciated

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RR4U, Yes, I went to MC with my BPDxW.  MC can be frustrating with a pwBPD, as you are discovering.  I think it's great that you are speaking up in counseling sessions.  What does your counselor say about your current situation?  It does sound confusing for you.

I don't have any particular advice on the MC process, which proved unsuccessful in my case.  Yet I don't see any particular downside to MC so I would say that it is worth a try.

LJ

[BeagleGirl]

I believe there have been some pro/con MC discussions in other posts that you may come across if you are reading through older posts.

I've read and had some advice given verbally around not doing MC if the "real" problem is self centered ness or abusive behavior from one spouse.  The rational was that MC tends feed into the perception of the "offending" spouse that this is a marriage issue (translate - offended partner needs to change equally, if not more) and tends to not be productive because the underlying issue of self centered ness and/or abuse keeps the offending partner from actually making the changes requested.   

I stopped MC when I recognized a pattern of my BPDh seeming to agree during sessions then verbally abusing me on the drive home.  It was a 40 minute drive, and I can literally picture the mile marker where I would typically begin weeping each time.  One tip I would give would be to drive to and from the MC separately so that you can both have time to prepare/process and not be trapped in a car together when emotions may be high.

The most valuable outcome (so far) of the 1.5 years of MC we had with my current therapist was that she was able to see the relationship dynamics first hand and helped me recognize BPDh's behavior as abusive.  She was also the one who encouraged him to get a psychiatric evaluation that led to his BPD diagnosis.  She is now seeing us individually, and I think we both benefit from the insight she has into what is real vs perceived in our relationship issues.  She has been able to predict and prepare me for some of the behaviors that have started escalating on his part.

That's not to say that MC won't be effective.  I think that, if the couple and counselor all have a clear understanding of the purposes/goals of the MC, it could be helpful.
BeagleGirl

[SamwizeGamgee]

I just went to my first session two days ago.  I am still feeling a bit traumatized even though the visit went fine by most accounts.  I think just being forced to think about my marriage of 20 years being such a depressing thing did the traumatizing. 

I wanted to go, did all the initiating, and still will continue to go to MC.  My reasons are not however to cure or save the marriage.  I want my uBPDw to have a positive experience in her first counseling that she's gone too, and, since I have kids with her, we simply must find a place and time to make major parenting agreements.  So, I don't think I'm set up for the same disappointment that a lot of people who attend MC face.

I keep in mind my own sense of self, my own progress of the last few years, and remember that I didn't cause her, can't cure her, and can't control her.  With that in mind, and my low expectations, MC seems worthwhile. 

Additionally, in my case, I think I'm going because I want to feel that I gave it my all in trying to better the marriage.  And maybe looking for some supporting witness that it's okay to leave this mess. 

[formflier]

I keep in mind my own sense of self, my own progress of the last few years, and remember that I didn't cause her, can't cure her, and can't control her.  With that in mind, and my low expectations, MC seems worthwhile. 
 

I tend to be a fan of trying, with low expectations.  Find something... .somewhere that you can build on as a couple.

I would use the phrase and thinking:  I'm here to learn what I can do to improve my part in the marriage... .

FF

[HopefulDad]

IMO, MC is useless in a relationship with a pwBPD if the hope is to improve the marriage.  It takes a lot of humility to look deeply within, recognize flaws and make a real effort to fix them... .traits pwBPD struggle with, to put it mildly.  MC is destined to fail if only one side is putting in the work.

That being said, MC does have value to help you be better in relationships, whether it's with your spouse, a future partner or even in general with people in your life.  It's very easy for us nons to point the finger at our pwBPD and say, "It's all your fault our relationship doesn't work!" when in fact there are indeed some flaws we have, sometimes big flaws.  Our pwBPD may have very legitimate issues with how we relate to them, but unfortunately that gets overshadowed by over-the-top reactions, verbal abuse, etc. so their issues get minimized.  MC helps open our eyes to things like this.  I know my MC sessions did.