False protection orders does th xBPD come back after

[Idsrvt2]

I usually post on the endings board... .I'm two months forced NC
The x split me black in a horrific way dumping me cold on the phone after I texted the nite prior I needed time and space... .I then called him to let him know how a medical procedure went and he dumped me... .I said a bumbch of harsh things even telling him I felt violated... .he told me he feels no bond or attachment with anyone , he can't get close... .he said he was going to blow a whole in his head so I contacted the mother.

In the past he would dump me or do something mean and if I texted too much he either was ok with it or blocked me saying I was drama.

This time I get a text that said he still feels for me and is sorry that I hurt he tried to break up twice and I just wouldn't let him go.  But it's not right I want him to loose his job and loose all he has worked for... and I harassed his mother and now he has to get a RO and filed a police report, sorry that I hurt,

I replied go ahead and I will get one as well as he has guns and I only contacted the mother out of care for him.  That nite I regret not answering his call I regret not ... .he texted five times how to go in peace.
The next day I sent what I thought was a nice reply telling him to please seek help ... .he had just started therapy
Next day police are at my door... .

Lately I'm stuck on what the heck happened between going in peAce and him filing on me.
I did file on him too as I was worried as he seemed very erratic... .
In court he sent his atty to tell me he feels terrible for the break up and only did so out of low self esteem and that I deserved better... .he wanted it all dropped .
I didn't agree so two days in court ... .and he still fought to the sixth he in court for less time.

It's like why file to begin with... .why not just part as friends ... or let things calm down... .so now I'm still tied to him as back to court we go in July... .

I miss him more lately... .the forced no contact hurts a lot ... makes it hard to move on too... .
Then add to it he's my letter carrier and refused to change his route and I can't get my mail... unless I goto a post office.

For so many reasons I just felt like he wasn't the one... .he even said that he sensed I felt that way.

So why destroy someone that accepted him? My only thought is he feared my threat to report him to his job won out in his mind... .since he's not capable of realizing I'm not like his past I'm not out to hurt him

[formflier]

  My only thought is he feared my threat to report him to his job won out in his mind... .since he's not capable of realizing I'm not like his past I'm not out to hurt him

     

I'm sorry that you are hurting.  It seems there has been quite a bit of turmoil in the relationship.

It also seems that there is still an interest in getting back with him, if/when that becomes possible.  Do I have that right?

The best thing YOU can do to increase your chances of reconnecting, is to focus on understanding your roll in this.

Because... .you are 100% in control of your roll and your actions. 

There is a part of your story I want to understand better. 

You were telling him you needed space... .and seemed to keep reaching out and it seems you kept responding.

If YOU determined that you need space... .help me understand your decision to stay in contact and not take space.

Once that is a bit clearer to me, I think that we will be able to provide better guidance.

FF

[Idsrvt2]

Yes, I am working on my role with a councilor , but also the boundary issues as well. I'm on the fence about being more than friends if that opportunity comes up.

To answer your question... .I asked for space the night prior because I had a sense that they were still not ready to get out of the online world... .I was hurt and upset... and expressed it rather poorly on the phone that nite... .I know I should have said look my neck hurts I'm in pain, I know you just dropped me off but can you come back and help me out ... he knew I was hungry and dropped me off that nite at home to cook for myself despite me asking to go out to eat.

So when I got off the phone I was upset and I texted him  which I now know was not good to do... .texting is not a good form of communicating. And he told me before he reads the texts and sees everything as mean... even if it's not meant as such.

The reason I got back into contact was to let them know that I had a medical procedure done and it was worse than usual... .I have a very badly injured neck... and basically my spine had become twisted... .thus why I could barely move my neck.

So I called him to let him know and that's when it didn't go well... .I think if I remember I asked about the night prior... and it went down from there.  I didn't know it was probably BPD they have... .or I would have not texted I needed space. 
I would have communicated my needs
Sometimes I felt like I couldn't be vulnerable ... .but that is what I feel like I should have been... .because each breakup were because of something I said via text.

I also was feeling like a burden and in the past if I asked for space he would say that he would be there for me etc and don't take space.

Not to make excuses but I was in pain, PMS , stressed to the max... .it was the perfect storm. 


In a strange way I became like him... .he asked for space and I gave it to him...

When he in turn dumped me and said he felt no connection with anyone and did not know what to do... .it was scary to hear... .as his behavior was off that entire week.  It's also why I wanted space... .hebhad just had his first therapy session , brought up his father molesting him while we were out.
It's sad because we had a great nite out that nite, but he ended it early despite us having a good time. 
He texted before the RO he never felt comfortable with me and I scared him... .

[Idsrvt2]

I'm just bumping this up and replying as time has changed things a bit.
The protection orders are lifted now... so if I wanted to contact him I could... .I'm just not sure it's the right thing to do anymore.  I go back and forth with it

I had the opportunity yesterday if I wanted to... that I could have spoken to him... and did not do so.
Part of me wants to justvteach out and say hey no hard feelings let's just peacefully interact ... .I just dunno... .he walks by my house now as he's not forced to walk on the other side of the street... .he looks like he's either mad or just fearful... hard to say. 
I've worked a lot in counciling And I'm at a different place than I was when I first posted this .  But still I wish I could reach out... .maybe it's to get closure and ask how they went from going in peace to getting cops involved Andy thus their employer as well... .ironically yesterday I spoke to their employer as I had an issue and wanted to avoid my x... they went above and beyond to help me out. No mention of the last four months it's back to business as usual.
I'm just all over the place ... I didn't see them in court as we didn't have to appear.
I don't think me sending them a msg would be well received ... I just dunno

[formflier]

Generally... .there is no "closure" in BPD relationships.

I would wait to reach out.  Talk with your therapist.  If after 3 to 4 sessions of talking with your T you still want to reach out... .perhaps you consider it then... .perhaps.

FF

[Idsrvt2]

Sadly my counciling sessions just ended this week because they were at a domestic abuse center ... .so I have to find a therapist and not many take my insurance .   So I have to start all over again with my story etc and find the right fit for me.     I'm still stuck in the why they did the order I suppose and I guess it's just difficult now that I can interact with them as literally they are right outside my door .   Lately it's been helpful to remember what they said to me how they always hurt people And how they tried to protect me and I wouldn't let them go ... .that was the day before I was served.   I'm hoping I find a decent therapist that can help me sort thru this because it's unfortunate my sessions ended just as the protection order was lifted.  And I couldn't project into the future how I would feel.
I was doing fairly well there for awhile too.
It's not like my x is out living a great life, he's reclusive And looks more miserable than ever

Generally... .there is no "closure" in BPD relationships.

I would wait to reach out.  Talk with your therapist.  If after 3 to 4 sessions of talking with your T you still want to reach out... .perhaps you consider it then... .perhaps.

FF

[formflier]

Do you think it best to focus on you for a bit?

Get a T

Perhaps exercise more.

Pick a couple other things to work on... .that benefit you.

Then... .after you have talked it over with t... .perhaps you will have more clarity.

You need clarity first... then think about contact.

FF

[Idsrvt2]

Great advice and that's what I have been doing since I feel very vulnerable I have just been keeping to myself and trying to just sit with my feelings... my councilor actually suggested this.  Before I was going out usually by myself and just keeping busy , doing things for myself and while I did feel better  don't think I was processing anything

I think in some ways I'm just now processing all of it as I'm no longer tied to my x as I was with the protective order, I did have an opportunity two days ago where I could have interacted with him and choose not to. 

You are right I do need more clarity ... the entire situation is just unique as two councilor shave told me.  I will make some calls looking for a therapist tomorrow.

Do you think it best to focus on you for a bit?

Get a T

Perhaps exercise more.

Pick a couple other things to work on... .that benefit you.

Then... .after you have talked it over with t... .perhaps you will have more clarity.

You need clarity first... then think about contact.

FF

[formflier]

I would make a point of going out and being social.  At least a time or two.  Be friendly with people... think about how you felt meeting new people.

Solitude is great... .I often enjoy it myself.  Find balance.

FF

[babyducks]

maybe it's to get closure and ask how they went from going in peace to getting cops involved

Hi Idsrvt2

pwBPD or the traits have limited executive function and poor impulse control, especially in times of heavy emotional stress.   they might have trouble recognizing that trait in action.  in the same way that I have trouble recognizing that I need to exercise more while I am sitting here eating a chocolate donut and wondering why I can't lose this stubborn 10 pounds.   

in other words I might recognize I have trouble with chocolate donuts but have difficulty doing something about that addiction.   I see the donut and the impulse is there,   oh that looks good,  look at the sprinkles,... .and impulsively I have it in my hand,... .   the executive function part of my brain starts the conversation,  I shouldn't eat this,... but I really want it and I will ride my bike for x miles later so... .yeah but you are trying to eat better,... .well that doesn't freaking matter eat the #$% donut and before you know it... .yup,... .I've had another donut.

I'm not trying to make light of your situation.    I am trying to put it in terms you might relate too.   take the donut situation and multiply times 10 and you have the internal dialogue that might have been going on during the call to the police.   basically it boils down to, it sounded like a good idea at the time and I couldn't slow myself down and talk myself out of it.

I don't think me sending them a msg would be well received ... I just dunno

go with your gut.   

when I had a similar situation the 'experts' told me that it is very very difficult to recover a relationship that reached this level of high conflict.   the experts being members of the mental health community, domestic violence workers and clergy.    they didn't say it couldn't be done.  they said it was very difficult.    And that I would need to do a lot of heavy lifting to change how I responded, thought and felt.

The relationship I had really forced me to look at my own stuff.   and work hard at ~getting better~.   I define being better as being  centered with and comfortable and accepting of me,  and being more comfortable with and accepting of the people around me... .it's a work in progress.

hope this helps
'ducks

[Idsrvt2]

Hello,
Thank you for your reply.  It makes sense he may have just impulsively acted... the thing I struggle with is on our first date he mentioned his family member who is a cop say that he could get a restraining order on me but then my x went into say this same person said if I was responding like that I must have cared a lot about him.
So I don't know how much his family influenced this... .it could have been something that they were saying as a joke... their family member of his drinks heavily , sounds like an alcoholic .  And supposedly his sister thought I would burn his neighbors house down if we ever broke up... .he would mention the sister often
I never met his family but I was supposed to... .ironically I met them in court well saw them... his mom smiled at us a few times .

If it was impulse it would explain why he wanted it all dropped ... today I struggle with my own action s of sending him texts and saying I was going to report him... it was a reaction to his erratic behavior though.  He himself admittedly he had a problem and was getting therapy as I made him realize something was wrong with him.
He also thought it wasn't fair to me to have him upbeat one day and just walk past him the next.
I getvthe donut analogy as well... makes  sense ... he also had trouble with exercise ... he wanted to but never could
His life is literally lived online... he works , goes home, eats and sleeps in front of his computer ... I tried to help and tyatvtext set him off me saying that when he was ready to get off 2nd life we could have a relationship ...   well he admitted that's all he has k own for over six years now .ls that site so he was protecting it

It makes sense that he read that final text I saw and being it was the day he usually visits the sister they influenced him... he didn't think things thru as on the form it says u have to give up firearms so when I saw that I knew it was my one  chance to get them away from him, so he was without them for four months ... legally although the sister had them


This is one of the toughest things I've been thru literally watched him fall apart in front of me and he still seems in a not great place.

He is very impulsive , which is why I was surprised he has not tried contact... .

I'm even hesitant to hand him mail as he prob may run from me 

Hi Idsrvt2

pwBPD or the traits have limited executive function and poor impulse control, especially in times of heavy emotional stress.   they might have trouble recognizing that trait in action.  in the same way that I have trouble recognizing that I need to exercise more while I am sitting here eating a chocolate donut and wondering why I can't lose this stubborn 10 pounds.