SD17 separating from mom, all hl breaking loose

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Things are dense, it seems really challenging to even figure out how to get all this down.

As those familiar with my story may know, my husband and father of my two stepkids left me in a dramatic and surprising way about 8 months ago with no notice after 10 years of a very loving and relatively happy relationship.  He has wanted me to continue to be a step-parent to my SD17 and SD13, and I have been active in their lives since our separation.

He and i have also really done our best to support each other through this, hoping to later be friends.

The crumbling of our family had  huge impact on his BPDex, as she really felt like our family was her family, and divorce is a huge trigger for her because her parents divorce was the beginning of years of horrible abuse. She became much less psychologically and emotionally stable over the past few months, and increased alchhol consumption radically.
She also became homeless and began staying with various fairly dysfunctional older ex boyfriends.

SD17 started to have real conversations with her mom, trying to get her to drink less, etc. On SD17's birthday, her mom showed up drunk and was extremely ill behaved, yelling at me, and SD17 told her mom that her mom needed to either pull it together for SD17's birthday, or SD17 would leave. Mom flipped, SD17 left with her friends. She later texted her mom from dad's home saying she was not coming back to her moms.

DXH then realized that SD13 would be unsafe w/o SD17 providing transport, so told BPDx that he wanted to keep the kids during her time (they have 50/50).

BPDx started painting SD17 black, which has made it much easier for SD17 to separate.  She is remarkably ok about it, saying that she is incredibly angry at her mom for needing her to be mom's parent for 17 years, and now saying that SD17 is responsible for mom's mental health issues.  SD i7 says, "I know that is just my mom, because part of who she is is someone who blames others for all her problems, I know it is not just me, but I do not really ever want to allow her to be in a mom role for me again unless she can really get to a place of apologizing for all of this, of knowing how she hurt me." 

SD17 has been staying at friends during mom's time, talking to me daily or every other day.  She also has more complicated anger at her dad, and I have discovered she has not really been communicating with him.  She is in a lot of pain, and I think is not really dealing with that yet.

I am pretty worried about her.  At first she seemed fine with friends, but now I think she is not taking good care of herself and is struggling.  She is staying with a friend who is pretty wild, but a good person, and I am concerned they may be taking some small amount of drugs. This is all just guesswork based on things she is saying. But it really concerns me. I know this must be a terribly painful time for her, and I fear she is not getting enough sleep, good food, and comfort.  I will see her today and try to talk her into staying with me during some of her dad's parenting time.  She is very open to me, and I think sees me as her one stable parent.  She calls me to ask for things and help before she asks her dad, and she is not presently talking to her mom.  I encourage her to connect with her dad, and just give her permission to take care of herself with mom.

I have also been helping DXH with custody stuff which is really hard.  Meanwhile, the person he left me for, whom he knew all of 5 days before making that choice, is now in the life of SD13 often, and she is wanting to talk about that with me.  I am trying to just give her support, and she is telling me things like, "She will never by my stepmom the way you are, but she is nice," and I am just saying, "You get to develop whatever level of connection feels right to you as you get to know her, and I am glad she is someone you feel good with and connected to."

This is just such a hard place.  I am worried about both kids, have no real power, and am still deeply sad and hurt about losing my relationship with this man I love, though I am starting to be able to let go more.  I also realize that I have much more power than you would think just because of my bond with the kids and with DXH.  That when I am having a hard time and get upset with them, it is hard on them.  And when I can just be there for myself and them, SD17 trusts me and is influenced by me like no one else in her life. So I can connect with her and ask her to do things to care for herself, and she will listen. 

SD13 is overwhelmed, but also would rather go camping with me than be with her mom right now, and her dad is fine with that, so I can create some good support for her that is also really good for me.

So I think this time is about just caring for myself, and trying to be there in ways I can and not worry about the outcome over which I have no control.

I also want to say I am connecting with BPDx some too, and specifically all of her parental guilt is translating into wanting to do a meditation or DBT retreat if that exists.  Do any of you know of something like this?

Thanks, all, for the many years of support.  I am still in shock about my divorce, but in a weird way I am more of the stepmom of my Step daughters than ever, and it is painful and challenging to be seeing SD17 about to leave home when it is no longer my home... .it still feels like my duaghter is leaving and growing up, and it is amazing and heartbreaking and beautiful to see the adult she has become.  It melts me and fills me with an feeling that is vest and impossible to articulate. 

All those years of wanting SD17, who was so deeply enmeshed, to be able to be her own person, and here she is.  Wow, ouch, phew!

[ennie]

Things are dense, it seems really challenging to even figure out how to get all this down.

As those familiar with my story may know, my husband and father of my two stepkids left me in a dramatic and surprising way about 8 months ago with no notice after 10 years of a very loving and relatively happy relationship.  He has wanted me to continue to be a step-parent to my SD17 and SD13, and I have been active in their lives since our separation.

He and i have also really done our best to support each other through this, hoping to later be friends.

The crumbling of our family had  huge impact on his BPDex, as she really felt like our family was her family, and divorce is a huge trigger for her because her parents divorce was the beginning of years of horrible abuse. She became much less psychologically and emotionally stable over the past few months, and increased alchhol consumption radically.
She also became homeless and began staying with various fairly dysfunctional older ex boyfriends.

SD17 started to have real conversations with her mom, trying to get her to drink less, etc. On SD17's birthday, her mom showed up drunk and was extremely ill behaved, yelling at me, and SD17 told her mom that her mom needed to either pull it together for SD17's birthday, or SD17 would leave. Mom flipped, SD17 left with her friends. She later texted her mom from dad's home saying she was not coming back to her moms.

DXH then realized that SD13 would be unsafe w/o SD17 providing transport, so told BPDx that he wanted to keep the kids during her time (they have 50/50).

BPDx started painting SD17 black, which has made it much easier for SD17 to separate.  She is remarkably ok about it, saying that she is incredibly angry at her mom for needing her to be mom's parent for 17 years, and now saying that SD17 is responsible for mom's mental health issues.  SD i7 says, "I know that is just my mom, because part of who she is is someone who blames others for all her problems, I know it is not just me, but I do not really ever want to allow her to be in a mom role for me again unless she can really get to a place of apologizing for all of this, of knowing how she hurt me." 

SD17 has been staying at friends during mom's time, talking to me daily or every other day.  She also has more complicated anger at her dad, and I have discovered she has not really been communicating with him.  She is in a lot of pain, and I think is not really dealing with that yet.

I am pretty worried about her.  At first she seemed fine with friends, but now I think she is not taking good care of herself and is struggling.  She is staying with a friend who is pretty wild, but a good person, and I am concerned they may be taking some small amount of drugs. This is all just guesswork based on things she is saying. But it really concerns me. I know this must be a terribly painful time for her, and I fear she is not getting enough sleep, good food, and comfort.  I will see her today and try to talk her into staying with me during some of her dad's parenting time.  She is very open to me, and I think sees me as her one stable parent.  She calls me to ask for things and help before she asks her dad, and she is not presently talking to her mom.  I encourage her to connect with her dad, and just give her permission to take care of herself with mom.

I have also been helping DXH with custody stuff which is really hard.  Meanwhile, the person he left me for, whom he knew all of 5 days before making that choice, is now in the life of SD13 often, and she is wanting to talk about that with me.  I am trying to just give her support, and she is telling me things like, "She will never by my stepmom the way you are, but she is nice," and I am just saying, "You get to develop whatever level of connection feels right to you as you get to know her, and I am glad she is someone you feel good with and connected to."

This is just such a hard place.  I am worried about both kids, have no real power, and am still deeply sad and hurt about losing my relationship with this man I love, though I am starting to be able to let go more.  I also realize that I have much more power than you would think just because of my bond with the kids and with DXH.  That when I am having a hard time and get upset with them, it is hard on them.  And when I can just be there for myself and them, SD17 trusts me and is influenced by me like no one else in her life. So I can connect with her and ask her to do things to care for herself, and she will listen. 

SD13 is overwhelmed, but also would rather go camping with me than be with her mom right now, and her dad is fine with that, so I can create some good support for her that is also really good for me.

So I think this time is about just caring for myself, and trying to be there in ways I can and not worry about the outcome over which I have no control.

I also want to say I am connecting with BPDx some too, and specifically all of her parental guilt is translating into wanting to do a meditation or DBT retreat if that exists.  Do any of you know of something like this?

Thanks, all, for the many years of support.  I am still in shock about my divorce, but in a weird way I am more of the stepmom of my Step daughters than ever, and it is painful and challenging to be seeing SD17 about to leave home when it is no longer my home... .it still feels like my duaghter is leaving and growing up, and it is amazing and heartbreaking and beautiful to see the adult she has become.  It melts me and fills me with an feeling that is vest and impossible to articulate. 

All those years of wanting SD17, who was so deeply enmeshed, to be able to be her own person, and here she is.  Wow, ouch, phew!

[Thunderstruck]

I'm so sorry ennie.   That seems like such a tough situation for the girls to be in. It must be very hard for them to see BPDmom dysregulating like that. Their dad... .ugh. I'm sure he's not a bad person or a bad father but what a cruddy way to behave. The impulsiveness of it just blows my mind. He really didn't put a lot of thought into how it would affect the girls, huh? They're really lucky to have you. Your empathy is incredible. I'm glad to hear that you are doing things for yourself and taking some self care - VERY important!

Do you think SD17 is prepared for "real life"? It seems to me like she's entrenched in her little bubble and not really thinking about what's going to happen next in her life.