Feeling desperate

[j17]

I have an adult daughter (35) who I suspect has some kind of personality disorder----possibly BPD. She lives in another city and has increasingly isolated herself from me to the point where she no longer talks to me and doesn't even acknowledge text messages or emails. My son went to visit her and he said that she goes to work (she's a teacher) but then spends the rest of her life inside her house.  We had a death in the family and her father and I (we're divorced) paid for her to fly down but from the moment she arrived, she did everything she could to not connect with any of us----- finding random errands that took hours, hiding in the guest room, etc.  She finally flew into a rage because she realized the flight home was a day after the funeral----- why didn't we book it that same night?  We were selfish and inconsiderate she said. She drove herself to the airport and paid extra to change her flight and ended up missing the funeral.  This is after months of not seeing us!  She is getting worse and now we have no communication at all.  I can see she's desperately alone and unhappy. Is there anything I can say or do long distance that would motivate her to seek help?  What can I do?  If I showed up on her doorstep I have no doubt she would slam the door in my face.  I'm her mother and she won't even hug me or talk to me. I don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi j17,
I am so, so very sorry for everything that you are suffering.  To have to deal with these BPD behaviours from your daughter at the same time you are grieving a family member is the worst.  Again, I am so sorry for your loss and for the anguish of dealing with your daughter's hurtful actions/words.

We recently had a similar experience with our own BPD daughter, 20, who was having a meltdown during a visit home while my beloved aunt was literally dying.  She passed away just minutes (I was in constant contact with my cousin, by text) after we dropped daughter back off at the hovel she lives in with her undesirable BF.  When I told my daughter later that night that Aunt N had passed, dd seemed to momentarily revert back to the loving child I once had who truly cared about others feelings and sent me a very sweet text that had me desperately grieving for both my aunt and my relationship with dd.  She was supposed to come to the funeral, but backed out at the last minute.  I had prepared for this, as it is her latest way of "dealing" with things, but it still hurt to the core. 

Some questions that come to mind regarding your daughter, so that we can get a clearer picture are: How long has she been exhibiting these behaviours?  From what you write, it sounds like she is single?  Does she have any friends or relatives that she is still close to/communicates with?  Has she also cut off contact from her brother?

I am new to this forum, too, so I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but just wanted you to know that others understand and care deeply.  We are all suffering similar pain from our children.  Hugs and empathy are with you. 

[Lollypop]

Hi j17

Welcome to the forum, I'm truly sorry to hear about your troubles and very sorry you've had such an upsetting time at the funeral and that must have been extremely difficult for you.

You've said that you think your daughter has BPD. Have you read up about it? I encourage you to read and learn as much as you can, take a look at the top right hand page Start Here. This will help you understand why your daughter behaves the way she does. It's important to recognise that she can't help it and you can't change her. The only thing you can do is change yourself by not reacting and learn how to more effectively interact with her.

My DS26 was in a very bad place for years, he internalises and it's difficult to know what he's feeling. We tried everything, we thought we were helping but actually we made things worse. If he feels something it is fact. He felt such a complex range of emotions and couldn't process them. Eventually our relationship broke down as he simply couldn't cope with how we interacted with him. if he knows he has to deal with something major, time is a massive part of his coping mechanism and if things don't go to plan he doesn't cope.

It sounds as if your daughter had too much to deal with. You must be extremely worried about her.

I found this forum and it's saved my family. It followed a crisis at 24. When I knew better, I did better. I got back to focussing on my core relationship with my DS. I knew that, regardless of what happened in the future, he needed us in his life for emotional support. We now have a good relationship, despite the problems. It's taken us 18 months and he currently lives at home.

At what point did you feel that your daughter distanced herself from you (an argument or incident?) or has it been a gradual thing?

Has your daughter ever had a personal relationship?

Hugs

LP