Kids are grown now & cycling 3-4+ times over 30 years has not helped. Done.

[jumper114]

We married in 1985 and I adopted her 10 yr old. In 1986, we had our first together. In 1988 she went to rehab and lost a job as an RN for writing scrips. I took her back and worked hard, she did too. In 1993, we added daughter #3 and in 1996 added daughter #4.  Always dealing with financial issues and dramatic mood swings but thought the drug addiction was under control or done. In 2000, we moved from East to West Coast and added a son #5. In 2007, infidelity, finances and drugs had us in counselling and with a new business and 4 kids at home we did counselling and couples therapy and fought. By 2011 - I found the BPD and made my first post.  In 2013 insisted she get treatment. After recycling 4-5 times all kids are older, 2 still at home but youngest is now senior in HS and away at boarding school. Seems the best that I can say is that I kept us together to get the kids into college.

This week after more financial BS and infidelity - I realize again that separation is needed for my health and happiness. Meeting realtor tomorrow and lawyer Tues.  Moving toward NC and for sake of kids hope she goes back into rehab.  I set appointment for counseling for me and am done and need to grow and want out of this sick relationship. I am reexamining if I would have been better off terminating it sooner... .academic question at this point.  For me, I want out - some control of my emotional and financial future and the opportunity to reflect on my own codependency.

I understand she is uBPD - and a drug addict and I have been totally codependent and enabling for years.  This will be a painful process but I am turning 60 later this year and want 10-30 years of happiness and my agenda without this roller coaster.

I feel sorry for what she will feel is my abandoning her and understand the deep roots of her problem (her mother abandoned her and her sisters when she was 3 and they were 2 & 1) but I am betrayed for the last time, am totally miserable and know it will most likely never get better unless I make it so.  My work is understanding WHY THE HELL I took this crap and settled for this unhealthy relationship for so long... .

Thanks for being here. I know I will be needing support.

[ForeverDad]

Historically, infidelity has been a basis for divorce.  Even Jesus said so.  (Matthew 19:9)  So if the religious aspect is important to you, you have basis to divorce, your decision to stay or go.  Frankly, due to the roller coaster history of repeated infidelities, you don't have to keep trying to patch up a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.  Thirty years and the problems are still there.

Understand that Legal Separation is not a long term solution here.  Very few here on the Family Law board have decided to do LS, the core issues were just too much to overcome.  And BPD is so much a relationship disorder, the closer you are (and the longer) the worse it gets.

However, your thread's title says you're done.  That's okay.  We've been there, done that.  We know you didn't make that decision lightly, you finally got to the point where there was no healthy alternative left except separating and divorcing.  That's okay.  One reminder, beware of being too fair or too nice.  Court doesn't care about fair or too fair, nice or too nice.  Court has its parameters, policies and procedures.  Court is a judicial system, not a justice system.  And courts typically give women every possible break in the book, so accept that you don't have to be super fair or super nice.  Many have said it is best to handle a divorce like undoing a business venture, keep sabotaging emotions out of the mix.

In my case I separated for a few months first.  I didn't have any indication there was infidelity, that information came much later.  However, I switched to divorce because (1) she did not want to reconcile and (2) my personal safety (avoiding jail on false allegations) and my parenting (she was blocking) were increasingly at risk.  So for me self-protection came first and then only later a religious basis for divorce.  Well, there was the crazy-making too that was part of it.

Of course this site tries to avoid sensitive topics (such as politics and religion) but I wanted to point out the various perspectives in case any helped you to choose which path you wanted to take going forward.  The children will always be your children, but whether your spouse remains your spouse is up to you and her, either of you can end a marriage. 

[jumper114]

Yes I understand. Thank you.

Because she is still addicted and using, I am planning for Divorce and plan on insisting that she immediately go into rehab. I plan on insisting and having an intervention with her using kids and her two best friends if they are willing. I am talking to a lawyer first.

This is primarily for her sake and sake of kids and I am going to ask the lawyer if I can get it court ordered.  I worry does this have consequence of being seen as attempting to reconcile or being too nice?  With out divorce rehab and getting her off the drug the crazy will keep coming, the merry go round will never stop and separation for a year is too long. 

[takingandsending]

Hello jumper114 and welcome to bpdfamily.

It may help to organize your objectives here. As your children are grown and out of the direct influence/affect of uBPD mom, is your principal objective to end your marriage? Sounds like you already have a lawyer - make sure they are experienced in divorce involving BPD/NPD spouse and are comfortable/experienced with litigating in court, i.e. not just filing papers and striking agreements. Consider reading Bill Eddy's book, Splitting to gain an idea of what to expect and what to avoid.

Re. the rehab and trying to make that a condition of your separation, you probably know by now that you have no control over this. The only one who can make her go into treatment is herself. If she doesn't want to, she will find ways to sabotage any efforts that you make, and your efforts may be viewed by the courts as controlling. You can make her receiving treatment a condition of custody/visitation, but your children are all of legal age to make their own decisions in that regard. So, I am not really sure where the rehab or treatment enters into the divorce?

As far as the crazy will keep coming, I think it helps to have realistic expectations. I am in the midst of divorce with my uBPDw. Being out of the household and the day to day interactions is extremely helpful, but I am still at a point where I communicate regularly (around children, house to be sold and finances). There is little I can do to make these communications go smoothly, but I do what little I can, using some of the tools on this website. Sounds like your wish is to go NC (which makes the request for rehab a little more confusing to me). There's nothing wrong with that, but it may be a little difficult to do at the outset of the divorce.

You have endured a long relationship of drama and difficulties. Are you getting any help for yourself? Do you have friends, family or a support network for you? How are your children doing overall? Please keep posting and using us as a sounding board.

[Panshekay]

Welcome….it sounds like you made the first hard decision… there is a lot of support here…and like others have said, its up to your wife if she will go to rehab and be successful this time…that in itself is a huge journey…up and down, but you know that because you have lived it.   I am 61 and although my BPD issue is with a DIL I have thought a lot about what makes us do the things we do and make the choices we make.  We are helpers, caring and compassionate people… maybe too much so.  We give many chances and are hopeful others will change, but we can't make that happen...   I think we also take it on as our responsibility, when it isn’t.  I wonder how many of us look back at this age and have regrets.  I have made mistakes.  You were the responsible one and you have been there for your wife and kids…I hope you will be able to find some peace, just in knowing you gave your all for your family.  Happiness is a choice, everyone deserves to be happy. Counseling helps.  Good luck and keep reading and posting.

[ForeverDad]

Rehab will not succeed simply because it has been court ordered.  She will have to want to change for the better.  She will have to diligently apply therapy for years.  Many here have reported that their spouses had gone to counseling then stopped after a few sessions claiming they were cured.  Sorry, it's not that easy nor quick.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

Sadly, you may end up having to split your goals, part in divorce and another part seeing if rehab can be ordered and whether it will stick.  After all, if she really does recover, real recovery over years, you could get married again.  The key lesson is that you can't risk getting back on the endless roller coaster again.