Just an update, not too much happening

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So my BPDex has been contacting me about 1-2 a week. This has gone on for about a month after a 7 month NC period.

She has a boyfriend at the moment, who she's been with 4-5 months so i dunno.

She doesn't mention him to me at all, just apologised for some things and we generally just text back and forth for a bit about funny stuff and what we have been up to etc.

For me right now i'm still working on me, and not in a rush for any kind of relationship situation with her or anyone else.

So all I can say is LC friendship is working ok for right now, i'll update if anything interesting happens.

[Infern0]

So my BPDex has been contacting me about 1-2 a week. This has gone on for about a month after a 7 month NC period.

She has a boyfriend at the moment, who she's been with 4-5 months so i dunno.

She doesn't mention him to me at all, just apologised for some things and we generally just text back and forth for a bit about funny stuff and what we have been up to etc.

For me right now i'm still working on me, and not in a rush for any kind of relationship situation with her or anyone else.

So all I can say is LC friendship is working ok for right now, i'll update if anything interesting happens.

[BeagleGirl]

Inferno,
Thanks for the update.
One quick question - You said she doesn't mention current BF in her communications to you.  Do you know if she is open with him about communicating with you?

I want to be a believer in platonic friendship between men and women, but I also see red flags flying in this situation.  The fact that you even mention a possibility of a future relationship with her makes you a potential threat to her relationship with her current BF, and I would personally feel uncomfortable if she is keeping a renewed communication with you a secret from BF.

Just my $0.02.
BG

[Infern0]

Inferno,
Thanks for the update.
One quick question - You said she doesn't mention current BF in her communications to you.  Do you know if she is open with him about communicating with you?

I want to be a believer in platonic friendship between men and women, but I also see red flags flying in this situation.  The fact that you even mention a possibility of a future relationship with her makes you a potential threat to her relationship with her current BF, and I would personally feel uncomfortable if she is keeping a renewed communication with you a secret from BF.

Just my $0.02.
BG

Im not sure if he knows we are in communication or not, but yeah to be honest id say probably not. I was thinking about it from his perspective last night and if he knew our history i cant see any way he would be happy about the fact we are in communication at all.

[Notwendy]

I also see some red flags.

Mostly I think it's important for you to be sure of the role you want to play in this "friendship" because of the possible dynamics. It may be "friends" to you but the "recycle bin" to her. It's up to you to decide if you want another go round of a relationship if she indicates that possibility.

[Infern0]

I also see some red flags.

Mostly I think it's important for you to be sure of the role you want to play in this "friendship" because of the possible dynamics. It may be "friends" to you but the "recycle bin" to her. It's up to you to decide if you want another go round of a relationship if she indicates that possibility.

Like I said in the OP, i am not 100% against the idea of a "recycle" at some point in the future.

Obviously there is still an emotional connection.

But right now i am working on personal development and my focus is on that, so no chasing or seeking anything from me. Simply, i opened the door to her for us to have communication and be on friendly terms. I'm happy with that at this stage, it is nice to talk to her.

I've little doubt there will be turbulence in the future, this is BPD we are dealing with here.

But for right now, it's smooth water.

[Skip]

Like I said in the OP, i am not 100% against the idea of a "recycle" at some point in the future.

Without judgement, the pattern has repeated many time where she leaves you for another man, it eventually falls apart (as many relationships do) and she falls back to you as a safety net.

As an outsider looking in, it would seem that she is, again, going to try other relationships until she finds one that finally sticks for her.

The hard question you should ask yourself is whether you have a special connection that outlives these other men, or whether you are the safety net and that she rebounds to you, heals, and then looks for another man.

Think about the latter. If her relationship fails fails, there is a grieving period of some level (possible grieving or possible guilt). Then there is a period of getting ready to date again. Then there is a effort to find someone with promise.  Mot of us do this alone. Imagine how nice it would be to have someone who would take us in and give us unconditional love while we heal, get back on our feet, and find another partner.

There is nothing wrong with being this rebound person... .but there is also nothing healthy about this type of relationship either if you are actually looking for a long-term romantic partner. How will you feel looking back at the years you invested when she finally hits that "right guy" and is gone?

Good mental health is about making hard decisions - often those decisions go against our emotions.

[Infern0]

Without judgement, the pattern has repeated many time where she leaves you for another man, it eventually falls apart (as many relationships do) and she falls back to you as a safety net.

As an outsider looking in, it would seem that she is, again, going to try other relationships until she finds one that finally sticks for her.

The hard question you should ask yourself is whether you have a special connection that outlives these other men, or whether you are the safety net and that she rebounds to you, heals, and then looks for another man.

Think about the latter. If her relationship fails fails, there is a grieving period of some level (possible grieving or possible guilt). Then there is a period of getting ready to date again. Then there is a effort to find someone with promise.  Mot of us do this alone. Imagine how nice it would be to have someone who would take us in and give us unconditional love while we heal, get back on our feet, and find another partner.

There is nothing wrong with being this rebound person... .but there is also nothing healthy about this type of relationship either if you are actually looking for a long-term romantic partner. How will you feel looking back at the years you invested when she finally hits that "right guy" and is gone?

Good mental health is about making hard decisions - often those decisions go against our emotions.

That's working on the assumption that the "right guy" isn't actually me, I just haven't had my ___ together yet.

[Grey Kitty]

That's working on the assumption that the "right guy" isn't actually me, I just haven't had my ___ together yet.

Well, you know for sure that the "right guy" hasn't been you so far,

One possible reason is that you aren't ready yet. But consider a couple others which don't look as good for you:

1. She only sees you as a "rebound guy" not as a serious possibility, and isn't giving you a real chance, and may never give you that real chance. No matter how worth it you are.

2. She doesn't have herself together enough to make any relationship stick, and thus how ready you are doesn't matter. (And who knows if she will ever get there or not, but you are stuck waiting, without any real influence in that direction.)

You don't know and can't know. All you can know is that you aren't her "right guy" today, given the current status--you are friends and she has a boyfriend--you don't have a shot at it today.

[Infern0]

Well, you know for sure that the "right guy" hasn't been you so far,

One possible reason is that you aren't ready yet. But consider a couple others which don't look as good for you:

1. She only sees you as a "rebound guy" not as a serious possibility, and isn't giving you a real chance, and may never give you that real chance. No matter how worth it you are.

2. She doesn't have herself together enough to make any relationship stick, and thus how ready you are doesn't matter. (And who knows if she will ever get there or not, but you are stuck waiting, without any real influence in that direction.)

You don't know and can't know. All you can know is that you aren't her "right guy" today, given the current status--you are friends and she has a boyfriend--you don't have a shot at it today.

I agree with everything you are saying, all of that is either possible or correct.

But i think people are worried that im "waiting around" which isnt the case. I did have a "rebound" thing late last year and it was fun and it did end the "oneitis" i used to have for my BPDex.

But also made me realize that im not where i want to be career wise etc in life for a serious RS at this stage.

So thats what im saying, like im not waiting around for BPDex, its just good that we arent enemies and i dont know what will happen in the future.

Hopefully that makes more sense

[Infern0]

She is increasing the contact frequency.

The last two days she has started texting me in the morning and we have been texting all day... .

[kc sunshine]

How are you feeling about it Infern0? When something like that happened to me a few months ago with my ex, I would get a feeling of both excitement and dread, heart pumping faster etc.

[Infern0]

How are you feeling about it Infern0? When something like that happened to me a few months ago with my ex, I would get a feeling of both excitement and dread, heart pumping faster etc.

Yeah kind of feel the same. We literally texted from morning to bed time yesterday it was strange.

[Sunfl0wer]

Yeah kind of feel the same. We literally texted from morning to bed time yesterday it was strange.

Sounds like the beginnings of the honeymoon phase.
This relationship seems cyclic.

[Grey Kitty]

So all I can say is LC friendship is working ok for right now

We literally texted from morning to bed time yesterday it was strange.

Yes, it is strange--In 5 days, you've been drawn in from low contact with your ex to contact all day--the kind of intimacy as if the two of you were back together.

Strange thing #1: She's still got a boyfriend.
Assuming she's still together with her bf, think about the situation--she's spent ALL DAY texting her ex. If I were her bf, and I knew what was going on, I'd either be angry and jealous, or at least think she had some real 'splaining to do in the best case!

Do you want to participate in that? If you do want to get together with her again, you may be OK with being a big part of her next breakup or even her cheating with you.

Strange thing #2: She's in a serious PULL mode (remember the BPD push-pull games?) She's yanking you into emotional intimacy again, really hard, and really suddenly.

That she wants to be close now isn't the problem (It feels really good, of course!). That it is coming up this fast is--because that means it will go away similarly fast, and she will start pushing you away just as hard.

Are you willing to risk that?

[Infern0]

The waters are getting murkier

I just got in it's 4am sorry im drunk but i have to tell the truth

so i went to town with a girl i had a "crush" on for a while she broke up with her bf a few days ago then we went back to hers and hooked up.

my head is in a spin now because she put pics of us all over social media and my BPD ex will see that

i just need to sleep man, i don't even know

[Grey Kitty]

I hope you had a big glass of water before you passed out, and hope your hangover isn't too bad by the time you get to reading this 

my head is in a spin now because she put pics of us all over social media and my BPD ex will see that

Odds are this is a fantastic outcome for you... .hear me out... .

First off, there's nothing wrong with what you did--two single people having a drunk hookup aren't harming anybody else, and (I hope!) enjoyed it. Further, doing something like that once or twice on your way to recovering from a breakup sounds perfectly healthy to me! If you hook up with a new girl twice a week for the next year, not so much... .but doing it once really isn't a big deal.

It may make things a bit awkward with this new girl, depending on what the two of you respectively want in the future--You clearly aren't over BPDex enough to be ready for a new relationship, and she being days out of a breakup probably isn't either, and her posting on social media makes it sound like she's trying to glom onto you as a boyfriend already... .and that probably isn't going to work really well... .but maybe when you both sober up, you will get past the awkwardness and sort things out.

So... .you didn't do anything wrong... .

Now, here's the wonderful/perfect part.

You are completely broken up with BPDex. She has NO REASON to expect you to be faithful to her. *IF* she gets all hurt and upset about this, and especially if she decides to punish you for it, perhaps giving you the silent treatment or something, you just learned something very important:

She's still waaaaaaaaaay to messed up to want to be in a relationship with, and if you just scared her off from trying, it is like you won the lottery!

On the other hand... .if she realizes that you didn't do anything wrong... .but she still finds herself feeling jealous and/or hurt over this... .and is able to realize that those are her feelings, and she has to deal with them, instead of blaming you for them... .that is a great sign!

You didn't do this intending to test her... .instead you and your hookup together accidentally created a great test for your BPDex. See what she does, and whether she gets a passing or failing grade.

[patientandclear]

I get what GK is saying here but I think it's also useful to go back to the second-to-last post he made. That is where some truth lies about what is/was unfolding with your BPDex.

What she does now shouldn't be taken as evidence of her intent or how she will behave with you in a relationship. pwBPD can be at a high water mark of good behavior and devotion when you are seeing someone else. You are no kind of engulfment threat, they fear losing the connection. I suspect you will see her at her most appealing now.

[formflier]

Hehe... .my self care recommendation includes serious hang over care.

1. Pinch yourself again... .yeah... .you did it.

2. Read GK's posts a couple of times.

3. Pinch again... .yep... life is looking up.

FF

[kc sunshine]

Hi infern0!

Wow, the plot is thickening! How are things today?

Your name is super interesting-- is it because your the experience with your BPD ex like an inferno?

[Infern0]

Hi infern0!

Wow, the plot is thickening! How are things today?

Your name is super interesting-- is it because your the experience with your BPD ex like an inferno?

Hey, nah Infern0 is just a tag i had on an old video game and kind of stuck

yeah everything seems to have calmed down. BPD reached out to me yesterday first time since the weekend, had a quick chat.

Funnily enough i'm more interested in this girl from the weekend now haha weird how that works.