New to Site - Having trouble setting boundaries

[jacinth]

I empathize with those on this who experience the pain and helplessness of being the parent of an adult child with BPD. My daughter, 36, was high functioning until after college. Her life has been a train wreck since: addiction, custody issues, near homelessness, abusive relationships. Through it all, I have been trying to be there for her financially, legally, with housing, etc.  She has been sober for 3 years, which is a blessing, but she continues to make very bad choices and comes to me to be rescued. It has seriously impacted my finances and my relationship with my husband - her stepdad.  She is only momentarily grateful, and is usually, non-communicative with me if she doesn't need anything.  She has become more easily triggered and verbally abusive since leaving her last abuser.  She has a 5 year old and 4 month old.  I bought her a car and am helping with housing.  I am holding up a house of cards, and I know it.  I do not want her to live with me because of how she treats me and because of the chaos she brings with her.  She is in denial about any of her own issues.  I am consumed with anxiety and resentment and ashamed at myself for not holding my boundaries. The shelters are full, the women's crisis is full, and rents are sky high.  She ignores all advice.  She has black and white thinking, no emotional skin, is very smart, but has zilch for self-awareness, insight, or empathy for anyone but herself - all hallmarks of untreated BPD.  Help. More than anything, I need to change to take care of myself. Any wisdom from parents who have learned to make their own needs as important as the BPD would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi jacinth and welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with your daughter and understand the strain and anxiety this is causing you 'holding up a house of cards', there are many parents here in similar situations working towards adult children with children of their own living fully independent lives, you are not alone. 

I'm glad you are thinking about your self care. Have you thought of what you can do, change, to take care of yourself, put your needs first?  Some parents find investing in a course of counselling helps working towards this.

It's hard when they fail to listen, hear what we are saying, are you familiar with the tools and lessons to the right which help us change the way we communicate, improve the relationship and include communicating boundaries. What boundaries are you thinking of setting?

Small steps jacinth. I'm glad you found us.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi again Jacinth

Any wisdom from parents who have learned to make their own needs as important as the BPD would be greatly appreciated.

I guess it was my own realisation that I was actually behaving like a crazy person. My friends got so fed up of me, my story never changed, and they of course didn't unserstand why I tried so very hard all the time. My family stopped asking too. I sought support for myself and this was my first step; it was an anonymous group of mothers with adult kids with drug problems. This would have been about 5 years ago. I gave up on trying to change my son and started to see that it was wasted energy trying to do so.

It took me another 2 years to see that I had to work on myself, work on finding and doing things that made me happy. When crisis hit and my DS got his first dx as BPD I found this forum. But my own journey to live my life well had started beforehand as I chose to go back to college as a mature student to do art. When my hands are busy and I'm problem solving I'm happy!

Leaving my DS to get on with his own life and never offering advice or judgment has not been easy. The combination of working on myself, being on this forum and learning new skills and techniques and being ever mindful where the responsibility lies for his problems has changed my life.

I now demonstrate to my DS how I take care of myself. This is the greatest lesson to my family I can offer. It's not selfish, I'm a good mother. I put myself first and if I can emotionally support him then I do.

What sort of things did you used to enjoy when you were younger Jacinth?

LP