I have no idea what to do next...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't even know where to start.  A little over two years ago, my wife was diagnosed with BPD, PTST, Bi-Polar 2 (who knew there were numbers associat s with that?) and a few other conditions that escape me right now.  Once my spouse was diagnosed, she jumped in with both feet and not only acknowledged it, but began educating herself and went into active therapy.  

My hope was that since we knew what we were dealing with, things would get better.  A lot of our problems center around her constant (at least that's how it feels) complaining and being critical of almost everything I do.  Even when I'm trying to make a situation or circumstance better.  And without fail, every single time I try to discuss it with her, with almost surgical precision, it's turned around and it's MY FAULT!  And she's an Olympic Gold Medalist at doing this.  

One of my siblings witnessed this happen on several occasions and told me that they never doubted what I told them, but seeing it happen firsthand was nothing short of unbelievable and heart breaking. We have been together over 20
Years.  She's been unable to work for the past seven years due to chronic pain issues and she has slowly been losing her short term memory.  All of these have been diagnosed and validated by several doctors and psychiatrists and subsequently, the Social Security Administration classified her as ":)isabled" within about six weeks of reiving the documentation we submitted.   That's nothing more than "FYI".

I've read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and worked the companion workbook as I was reading it. I've attempted to set boundries, have honest discussions and nothing has worked (for anything longer than six weeks).  I find myself in a place where I can no longer deal with the criticitism, ridicule, complaints and overall feeling of desperately needing to breathe and try to find some level of happiness in my life again.  

All four of our children are grown and living their own lives and they have  repeatedly told me that they don't understand how I've done it as long as I have. My answer was very, very simple.  "I love her."  And with everything in me, I do, but at the same time, I don't know how I can keep living like this.  Its something almost every single day.

As of today, we have agreed to a "Legal Separation" but I'm scared that she'll latch on to someone else and I know me well enough to know that if that happens, that's a road there's no turning back from.  That hasn't happened and I obviously don't know for certain that's what I'd do, but as a result of the last five years, particularly within the last two years, I've begun to look at things from a "worst case scenario", so I'm no longer caught by surprise from her actions and reactions.  

Does anyone have any idea what I can do to save this thing?  Because as of 9:42pm on May30, 2017, I'm completely out of ideas and I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.  And for the record, I don't have an ounce of "quit" in me and that's what's makes this so hard.  I keep thinking, "What if she gets better and I leave right before it happens?"  Those are the kinds of things that swirl around in my head.  I'm rambling.  I'm sorry.  

Any thoughts or ideas?

[73-OU]

I don't even know where to start.  A little over two years ago, my wife was diagnosed with BPD, PTST, Bi-Polar 2 (who knew there were numbers associat s with that?) and a few other conditions that escape me right now.  Once my spouse was diagnosed, she jumped in with both feet and not only acknowledged it, but began educating herself and went into active therapy.  

My hope was that since we knew what we were dealing with, things would get better.  A lot of our problems center around her constant (at least that's how it feels) complaining and being critical of almost everything I do.  Even when I'm trying to make a situation or circumstance better.  And without fail, every single time I try to discuss it with her, with almost surgical precision, it's turned around and it's MY FAULT!  And she's an Olympic Gold Medalist at doing this.  

One of my siblings witnessed this happen on several occasions and told me that they never doubted what I told them, but seeing it happen firsthand was nothing short of unbelievable and heart breaking. We have been together over 20
Years.  She's been unable to work for the past seven years due to chronic pain issues and she has slowly been losing her short term memory.  All of these have been diagnosed and validated by several doctors and psychiatrists and subsequently, the Social Security Administration classified her as ":)isabled" within about six weeks of reiving the documentation we submitted.   That's nothing more than "FYI".

I've read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and worked the companion workbook as I was reading it. I've attempted to set boundries, have honest discussions and nothing has worked (for anything longer than six weeks).  I find myself in a place where I can no longer deal with the criticitism, ridicule, complaints and overall feeling of desperately needing to breathe and try to find some level of happiness in my life again.  

All four of our children are grown and living their own lives and they have  repeatedly told me that they don't understand how I've done it as long as I have. My answer was very, very simple.  "I love her."  And with everything in me, I do, but at the same time, I don't know how I can keep living like this.  Its something almost every single day.

As of today, we have agreed to a "Legal Separation" but I'm scared that she'll latch on to someone else and I know me well enough to know that if that happens, that's a road there's no turning back from.  That hasn't happened and I obviously don't know for certain that's what I'd do, but as a result of the last five years, particularly within the last two years, I've begun to look at things from a "worst case scenario", so I'm no longer caught by surprise from her actions and reactions.  

Does anyone have any idea what I can do to save this thing?  Because as of 9:42pm on May30, 2017, I'm completely out of ideas and I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.  And for the record, I don't have an ounce of "quit" in me and that's what's makes this so hard.  I keep thinking, "What if she gets better and I leave right before it happens?"  Those are the kinds of things that swirl around in my head.  I'm rambling.  I'm sorry.  

Any thoughts or ideas?

[BeagleGirl]

First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You mentioned that you did have some success, but that it lasted no more than 6 weeks.  Can you provide details on how it "stopped working"?  Did she find loopholes, or did you get tired and start relaxing boundaries?  Some combo of the two?  Any information you can provide on the temporary successes might spark something in you or one of the members here.

[73-OU]

I can't put my finger on why it stopped working.  If I were going to be completely honest, I suspect that it's a combination of her being persistent and dogged determination and my getting off track and not holding fast to the expectations that has been set. What makes things difficult is that she doesn't only struggle with BPD, but also with PTSD, Bi-Polar 2 & treatment resistant depression.   

I don't feel like I did a good job of answering the question, so if I didn't, please ask it again and I'll do a better job of answering. 

[DaddyBear77]

Hi 73-OU - I'm glad you found your way here and please know, you're not alone.

It seems pretty common that a pwBPD will make slow, often erratic progress. It certainly helps to get a diagnosis, and I think what helps even more is having whatever professional MADE that diagnosis on board.

But a diagnosis is just a label. Labels can be good - we know that when we open the jar, we're going to get strawberry jam and we can stop expecting cherry or raspberry just because it's red colored.

But it doesn't change the person's nature and nurture - they're still made of strawberries, turned into jam. They're still the same person with that almost mystical ability to blame shift, through a combination of biological and environmental factors.

I understand you're in a Legal Separation period. And you're worried that your pwBPD will latch onto someone else. Believe me, I know that feeling well. About 11 years ago my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) told me she wanted to separate. Later that week she told me she was going to contact an old boyfriend. Within about 3 months she had moved out and moved in with this guy. A year later that relationship was finished. 2 and a half years later, we were back together.

My point is that things can, and do, take wild paths. What I wish I had really focused on, and what I believe you have the chance to focus on now, is this: What do YOU want to see happen? Regardless of whether she finds Mr Next or she comes back and tells you she made a big mistake, you can and should make your OWN decisions about what's best for YOU!

Maybe we can help you start to think through some of that?