Projections on S11

[takingandsending]

I am in process of divorce with uBPDxw, have S6 and S11, we are in separate houses. Yesterday, my xw stated  S11 had big blow out after school because he was hungry. S11 is a picky eater and it is hard to get him a lunch he will eat. I try to go with what I know he will eat to get him through school; xw ... .not so much.

Rather than help him, she fought with him after school. 2 hours later, he still hadn't eaten and she had to drive him to after school activity. He had another outburst. She stated she felt like crashing the car into something as she drove, and that was his feelings invading her. She often states, as part of her projection, that others are forcing their feelings on to her; she is "psychically sensitive".    Incidentally, I picked him up from activity and drove him back to her house and he was just fine, no outbursts, no complaints, nothing.

My question: does anyone have experience similar to this and what do you do to help your kids see through the projections? When the boys are with me, I ask validating questions and support their experience as much as possible. But they generally don't complain about stuff with their mom when I get them, and I don't pry. If they offer, I am there for them. But I'd still like to help S11 frame the crazy sh-t xw says to him and blame she throws on everyone for what she feels. So frustrating to watch this go on.

[flourdust]

You did well.

Be supportive of S11 but avoid interjecting yourself into his relationship with his mom (and doing any parental alienation of your own). Don't engage your ex on HER behavior, but document all of this for court or custody evaluation.

If at all possible, get S11 a regular therapist.

[david]

If your son is not complaining then maybe there was no issue except in your stbx head.
Our boys would talk to me if there was an issue.
 My ex used to try to triangulate me with our boys. It was a way for her to engage. Once I realized that I stopped engaging and those things went away for the most part.
My ex usually ramped things up around one of their birthdays. All three protection orders she filed were around those times. I never figured out the underlying reason and really don't care anymore.

[Panda39]

My SO's kids didn't talk about what went on at their mom's either.  I think it can be about not taking sides in the divorce conflict, or not wanting to make the conflict worse so I agree with Flourdust having a therapist that is outside of the conflict and family dynamic can be really helpful.  The kids can work through things with someone that can see both sides, and has tools they can share to help the kids cope better.  Both girls are LC/NC with their mom these days but are more open when they encounter issues with her.  They are also 7 years older than when their parents divorced... .maturity helps too.

In terms of you and your son, I would ask him how the day went and if he wants to talk about it then listen and validate his feelings, if he doesn't want to share anything I would just go on with my day.  Let your son know you are available but leave the decision to talk about things up to him.  

The other thing you might do is if you're watching a movie or TV show where you see a behavior similar to mom's you might strike up a conversation about the characters and the movie (not about his mom).  I've had many movie/TV Show conversation starters with my son about sex, drugs, alcohol (his dad is an alcoholic), homosexuality, racism etc... .

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Thanks, all.

Panda39, that's sort of what I was thinking. Bring up the behavior in a non-specific way. I just want to let him know it is okay to feel and say that he is not responsible for how his mom or anyone else feels. We are all responsible for our own feelings and not anyone else's.

He does see a T, so he does have a neutral, compassionate outlet to talk.