Member returning from 2009 -- Updates, Successes and Failures

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a long, long time BPD Family.  I was very active here until just over 8 years ago, when I switched jobs and no longer frequented this wonderful support forum.  A lifetime of events have passed by but I thought I'd give some updates, advice, and thoughts.  Side note--it's amazing how much progress has been made in understanding and treating BPD since 2009. In 2009 most literature described the prognosis as very bleak. Now it seems the professional community is more optimistic.

Situation: In 2009 my wife was undiagnosed BPD, showing all the classic signs.  She was frequenting a therapist and showing much improvement since 2007 when her symptoms manifested most severely.  I had decided to stay with her.

In 2010, she had an affair. I chose to stay with her and fight to win her back from the other man (codependent much?). Perhaps this was a mistake in hindsight, but who can say now?  She began frequenting therapy again to deal with the issues that resulted from this, as did I.  This wreaked emotional havoc on me but I persevered and became a stronger person after a long recovery and self-discovery process.

2010 - 2016: She went through several therapists, but overall became very high-functioning. She became much better at self soothing, much better at communication. Several of her (and my) therapists mentioned BPD to me but she was still never diagnosed. She had a very successful music career, and has held down several day jobs for long periods. She has several "close calls" with impulsiveness around men, and she still struggles with some other symptoms but manages them fairly well, and I manage the effects of her BPD on me fairly well. Overall we are happy, with some ups and downs.  I would label this a success.

2016: I finally feel like we are stable enough to support children, and we conceive. Hooray!

7 months pregnant: uBPD wife reveals she had an affair for most of the pregnancy. She reveals a long-term emotional affair as well.  Most of what I thought I knew about our marriage was wrong.  She is a serial cheater.  I am heartbroken for myself and our daughter. I get a paternity test (the child is mine).  I can't abandon my infant child and am slow-playing the situation, trying to figure out what to do.  She immediately returns to intensive therapy, and her (amazing) therapist is now on the brink of a formal BPD diagnosis, and uBPDW is beginning to learn the details of the disorder I suspected she had a decade ago. She may also get a "sex addict" label, though it's the attention/relationship aspect she is addicted to.  The situation I find myself in now is exponentially more complicated and difficult than it was 8 years ago.

I suppose the lessons I have learned can be summarized thusly:

BPD CAN be successfully managed.  It's possible to manage symptoms, both for the BPD and spouse, and lead a happy life. I've seen it, for stretches of a few years. 

However, managing the symptoms of BPD can make it very difficult to see other types of red flags ("Is she having an affair, or is she just returning to bad BPD habits?". The BPD may manage some symptoms well but suppress or hide others, so you can be caught off guard by things like addictions and affairs when you've let your guard down and "forgotten" you are in a relationship with someone who has a severe mood disorder.

But working with a BPD to manage their effect on your life and going to therapy WILL make you a stronger person. As heartbroken and distraught as I am, and unsure of the future, I know I will be OK. My daughter will be ok.  I am stronger than I ever was a decade ago. I am unhappy right now and I dread yet another trip through the emotional fire--but I am hopeful for what lies on the other side of the scorched wasteland.

Thanks for reading.

[StayingAfloat]

It's been a long, long time BPD Family.  I was very active here until just over 8 years ago, when I switched jobs and no longer frequented this wonderful support forum.  A lifetime of events have passed by but I thought I'd give some updates, advice, and thoughts.  Side note--it's amazing how much progress has been made in understanding and treating BPD since 2009. In 2009 most literature described the prognosis as very bleak. Now it seems the professional community is more optimistic.

Situation: In 2009 my wife was undiagnosed BPD, showing all the classic signs.  She was frequenting a therapist and showing much improvement since 2007 when her symptoms manifested most severely.  I had decided to stay with her.

In 2010, she had an affair. I chose to stay with her and fight to win her back from the other man (codependent much?). Perhaps this was a mistake in hindsight, but who can say now?  She began frequenting therapy again to deal with the issues that resulted from this, as did I.  This wreaked emotional havoc on me but I persevered and became a stronger person after a long recovery and self-discovery process.

2010 - 2016: She went through several therapists, but overall became very high-functioning. She became much better at self soothing, much better at communication. Several of her (and my) therapists mentioned BPD to me but she was still never diagnosed. She had a very successful music career, and has held down several day jobs for long periods. She has several "close calls" with impulsiveness around men, and she still struggles with some other symptoms but manages them fairly well, and I manage the effects of her BPD on me fairly well. Overall we are happy, with some ups and downs.  I would label this a success.

2016: I finally feel like we are stable enough to support children, and we conceive. Hooray!

7 months pregnant: uBPD wife reveals she had an affair for most of the pregnancy. She reveals a long-term emotional affair as well.  Most of what I thought I knew about our marriage was wrong.  She is a serial cheater.  I am heartbroken for myself and our daughter. I get a paternity test (the child is mine).  I can't abandon my infant child and am slow-playing the situation, trying to figure out what to do.  She immediately returns to intensive therapy, and her (amazing) therapist is now on the brink of a formal BPD diagnosis, and uBPDW is beginning to learn the details of the disorder I suspected she had a decade ago. She may also get a "sex addict" label, though it's the attention/relationship aspect she is addicted to.  The situation I find myself in now is exponentially more complicated and difficult than it was 8 years ago.

I suppose the lessons I have learned can be summarized thusly:

BPD CAN be successfully managed.  It's possible to manage symptoms, both for the BPD and spouse, and lead a happy life. I've seen it, for stretches of a few years. 

However, managing the symptoms of BPD can make it very difficult to see other types of red flags ("Is she having an affair, or is she just returning to bad BPD habits?". The BPD may manage some symptoms well but suppress or hide others, so you can be caught off guard by things like addictions and affairs when you've let your guard down and "forgotten" you are in a relationship with someone who has a severe mood disorder.

But working with a BPD to manage their effect on your life and going to therapy WILL make you a stronger person. As heartbroken and distraught as I am, and unsure of the future, I know I will be OK. My daughter will be ok.  I am stronger than I ever was a decade ago. I am unhappy right now and I dread yet another trip through the emotional fire--but I am hopeful for what lies on the other side of the scorched wasteland.

Thanks for reading.

[Doughboy]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time again.  I imagine it is deflating and tiring. 

I also want to thank you for sharing.  It was very encouraging to read and I appreciate your candor.

[StayingAfloat]

Hi Ox--thanks.  It is indeed tired and deflating... .doubly so while taking care of an infant. Hopefully some are encouraged by my story, even if the ending is maybe not as happy as I (or others) would like. The story is still in progress though, so maybe the ending has yet to be written.

But dealing with affairs is a beast in itself. Talk about emotional fallout.

[believer55]

Dear Stay Afloat - congratulations on the birth of your daughter. May parenthood bring an amazing dimension to your life. It is in itself and incredible journey.

I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances... .I can't imagine the pain you feel regarding your relationship. Your new daughter will look to you and her mother as she grows to learn about relationships and how to have healthy ones. I hope your wife can continue to work on herself and her addictions/symptoms. I hope whatever you decide for you brings you peace and happiness. Please look after yourself xxx

[Lucky Jim]

Hey StayingAfloat, Welcome back!  Thanks for relating the ups and downs of your marriage over the last few years.  Since you elected to post here on Conflicted/Deciding, I assume you are on the fence about your marriage to your uBPDw.  Is that the case?  What would you like to see happen?  How do you see things playing out?  What are your gut feelings?  Fill us in, when you can.  I admire your courage and am sorry about all you have been through.

LuckyJim

[StayingAfloat]

You assume right--I'm on the fence about whether I should stay in the marriage or go. Of course it's complicated by the birth of my daughter... .for partly selfish reasons, I don't want to miss any of these first wonderful months and years. But I also feel like I may need to stay to provide stability and be a role model, and I HATE the thought of some other sleazeball guy trying to play a father role as a stepdad. Ugh.

But, her affairs have wreaked havoc on me and I know I do not deserve to be treated this way.  I deserve to have a happy and healthy relationship, and deserve to be treated respectfully and lovingly. I've gotten neither.  My trust has been shattered because she hid these (last several) affairs so well and the red flags are mixed up with BPD symptoms in such a way that will make it very difficult for me to know in the future whether she's found some other man, or is just having a down day.

uBPDw is saying and doing all of the right things. Meaning, most of the standard BPD reactions are long gone. She's contrite, she's sad, she takes full responsibility and accepts 100% of the blame. She says our marriage was happy (and I agree) but her deep rooted need for affection and attention overtook her. She's going to IC and SLAA, an all female sex/love addiction group.  She's rarely defensive, she's bending over backwards trying to make me happy and has been a wonderfully patient and loving mother.  Just in the last few weeks as she's been exposed to the details of BPD, I am sensing that maybe she's using this as a mental excuse-"oh, now I know what the problem is, I have BPD! That justifies my affairs." But we're early in the process. 

I made a mental decision to stay until my daughter was 6 months old and then reassess.  My gut feeling is I will decide to leave after that, but it will break my heart--I adore my little girl and can't stand the thought of being away from her 50% of the time (depending on what the courts would decide). And I am heartbroken for her since she deserves a strong family but we've already cursed her with a broken one before she was even born.  But... .the sway of staying a family with my daughter MIGHT compel me to stay, if BPDw continues IC and MC, and I find some way to forgive and accept the past.  At this point I don't think I have forgiven her yet. I am still too upset about her affairs and the effect it has on our daughter.   Despite all her efforts to build trust lately (i.e. giving me access to all her accounts, turning on the GPS feature on her phone so I can see where she is at any time, offering to give up all kinds of hobbies, employment, whatever it takes) I just do not know if any of it will be enough for me to trust again.  I may need to leave to preserve my dignity and self-respect.

[Zinnia21]

Wow what an amazing story, and you are strong to live and tell the tale.
It's hard when you have invested so much love and care and made progress you never thought you'd make, I'm not now with my pwBPD but he's always there on the edges, and we are always wondering... .it's a love that runs deep.
So I understand how deep your love goes and why you've committed yourself that way, to such a difficult situation.
It sounds in some ways like a 'what you see is what you get' scenario. I suppose, you've seen now what can happen, with her ongoing infidelity. Hopefully she can make some more progress in improving with that, but I can see how torn you would be in leaving after all those years. The question of leaving and taking some of your pride away with you VS staying to maybe see things repeat themselves... .that's very difficult. Assuming that, even if she improves, she may have relapses of cheating, can you handle that? And what I mean to say is, everyone has different levels of acceptance in what's ok for them. Some may say- this behaviour is a bi product of the illness therefor I can tolerate it in small doses if she's unable to stop it. Some may say- I have zero tolerance for it.
PwBPD already have us living with so many unsure grey areas as it is... Maybe if you decide on your own school of thought in regards to what you can accept and handle, in a realistic way... ? Maybe you could do this with your own therapist, and once you decide firmly what's ok for you to live with, you could make a plan of where you're taking things...
Sounds like you're already assessing things in this way. And I can't imagine the blow it must have been to find out about the affairs! Do you have any couple therapy available,? with a BPD specialist. Now she's been pretty much diagnosed, maybe that could help... ?
Also, try to remember she is filling an unfillable hole, it's not that you're not enough for her, it sounds more like nothing is enough, in terms of being addicted to sex/reassurance. It's reassuring her that she's lovable every waking moment of the day, if she has someone there constantly which is maybe why she does it. So it's positive she's in a women's group talking about it.