wife throwing out gifts from M-I-L

[PeteWitsend]

So I've written about how my uBPD wife has problems with my family generally, and my mom especially, for reasons that vary & at times contradict themselves (eg mom doesn't visit, but when she offers to, wife says no).  

over the last couple years of our marriage wife has sometimes noisily and other times secretly purged our house from my family pictures, as well as anything my mom gave us or touched from pictures to gifts.  I no longer keep personal items (old awards & pictures, family pictures, family heirlooms, etc) at home for this reason.

over xmas she threw out the presents & cards my mom sent to our boys.  At the time I didn't make a big deal out of this because it was within a three week period of getting screamed at on a daily basis (the "Happy" Holidays) and it seemed like a minor issue to fight while I'm in the midst of a hurricane.  

Recently was going through my wardrobe and found one of my favorite shirts missing.  my mom had sent it a couple years ago.  not sure why, but this really pissed me off for some reason.  

the emotional issues I can kinda deal with, but actually throwing things away... .I know it's just "stuff" but it seems so much nastier.  

I think for me this really leads me not to trust her.  I surprised myself by how angry I got because of this... .seems kinda absurd - it's just a shirt afterall - but it's almost like I don't feel "at home" in my own house.  and of course, it brings all the other "issues" immediately back to mind.

anyway, just thought I'd share, because I'm still trying to sort through this.

[formflier]

Your stuff... your decision to throw it away. 

Ask her specifically to get you the shirt back or buy you another one.

Or... .let it go.  Either way you are setting a precedent. 

Perhaps you can get a lockable wardrobe or drawers.

FF

[Doughboy]

Perhaps you can get a lockable wardrobe or drawers.

FF

Not helpful to the situation but this is one of the saddest things I have read in a while.  The thought of having to consider locking up your clothes in your own home... .I feel dejected about my situation but I now realize that mine is like dropping your ice cream cone and you complain to a friend that just had his house burn down... .

Now I feel like a jerk for complaining about my Ex,  but not really .

[Panshekay]

Such sadness to this. I am a MIL who has a DIL who broke, trashed or tried to destroy  it all... .my son, my grandchildren and anything I gave her, or them. When my GS was born I took pictures and framed them and wrote a poem for our S and one for my DIL.  When she moved out she broke everything... .including the picture of our son holding his first born child.  The "letter or poem" that I wrote was written as if Our GS had written it... ."When I look at you Daddy". The glass is shattered, and there is actually blood streaked across the picture. It still hangs on the wall 3.6 years later since she moved out.  For me it represents everything she tried to destroy but couldn't. This DIL didn't destroy the love I have for our son and grandchildren.  Things are just that... .things, but what happens are boundaries are crossed. I don't care what she gets rid of... .just stop destroying my family.  You can't replace a family, you can't undo damage to children. It's such a devastating illness. It ruins everything that is good.

[DaddyBear77]

This is a boundary violation, clearly, but then again that's not surprising, is it?

I feel so badly for you PeteWitsend. A few years ago my wife decided that the chest of drawers that my father had when he was a kid was ugly and had to go. Truth is, I wasn't all that attached to it at the time. It was beat up and worn out and wasn't much use for it's intended purpose anyway - too small and outdated. So I  eventually moved it into the garage until I could figure out what to do with it.

One day, in a fit of rage, my wife took a baseball bat and smashed it to pieces.

It still hurts to think about what happened but I can't exactly say why. I've tried to let it go but it sticks with you. I think it's the fact that my wife wanted to symbolically destroy connections to my family of origin in such a dramatic way. Maybe that's the same for you?

[Sluggo]

Petewitsend,

over the last couple years of our marriage wife has sometimes noisily and other times secretly purged our house from my family pictures, as well as anything my mom gave us or touched from pictures to gifts.  I no longer keep personal items (old awards & pictures, family pictures, family heirlooms, etc) at home for this reason.

My wife did the same types of things.  She got rid of the wedding cups that she gave us (that were from her wedding), threw away all of my tapes and CDs from my childhood and higschool (threw them out 10 years ago before spotify).  My mother told me once that she brought stuff over from our home and that my wife just threw it in the trash and said we don't have room for trash in the house, and on and on.  I told my mom to keep things after that.  

I think for me this really leads me not to trust her.  I surprised myself by how angry I got because of this... .seems kinda absurd - it's just a shirt afterall - but it's almost like I don't feel "at home" in my own house.  and of course, it brings all the other "issues" immediately back to mind.

The breakdown of the relationship seems like the death of a 1000 cuts.  I would secretly pride myself on my self perseverance and over coming what she did despite the pain it caused.  I felt much unhealthy pride by getting through those daily / weekly explosions.  

[PeteWitsend]

we had a long talk yesterday about this and other things, and problems generally.  

It took 3 hours, but ended well, or as well as could be hoped given the circumstances.

she denied throwing out the shirt, but apologized for throwing out gifts my mom sent kids.  she said she didn't throw them out, but "donated them to the poor."  I guess - if true - that's a little nicer.  she claims she also threw out gifts her mom sent, and in both cases only because the gifts were "cheap."  whatever.  i let her make her excuses, and tried to focus on the ultimate goals here of a ceasefire so my mom could visit her grandkids and my wife would stop giving me grief for it.

during the conversation, she tried to drag things down into the mud several times, seemingly due to a lack of awareness on her own part or misjudging things I said, but I was able to redirect the conversation and stay calm.  She claimed she was working on herself and has been better.  I do agree that since she went back to work (started last March) some things have improved gradually.  fights don't typically last as long and she will - on occasion - apologize (with lots of qualifications of course).  

she agreed to stop attacking my mom and family and putting up roadblocks to visit, though she said in return I have to be "nicer & more loving to her".  

okay, sure.

We'll see if this conversation represents some additional long term improvement, or gets forgotten in a day or two.

[PeteWitsend]

This is a boundary violation, clearly, but then again that's not surprising, is it?

... .

It still hurts to think about what happened but I can't exactly say why. I've tried to let it go but it sticks with you. I think it's the fact that my wife wanted to symbolically destroy connections to my family of origin in such a dramatic way. Maybe that's the same for you?

yeah, not surprising.  it's to be expected, I suppose.

I think that's pretty much why it bothered me so much. it's like an attack on a family bond, with all the emotional ties associated with them.

[PeteWitsend]

A few years ago my wife decided that the chest of drawers that my father had when he was a kid was ugly and had to go. Truth is, I wasn't all that attached to it at the time. It was beat up and worn out and wasn't much use for it's intended purpose anyway - too small and outdated. So I  eventually moved it into the garage until I could figure out what to do with it.

One day, in a fit of rage, my wife took a baseball bat and smashed it to pieces.

... .

I feel for you, pal.  that's crazy.  and very sad as well. 

When my wife started demanding I move all my family pictures, keepsakes, heirlooms to the attic in our garage (not climate controlled), I complied, but quietly found a cheap storage facility nearby and moved all of it there. 

made sure I could pay in cash and nothing would be sent to my home address.  then notified some family members I trusted about the location and told them to keep everything safe for my kids if I died.

gave me a little more peace of mind, knowing that stuff was safe from her mood swings and emotional outbursts. 

[formflier]

When they try to redirect a conversation... .

"We can talk about that later (perhaps even make a note on paper), right now we are talking about xyz"

or

"I need to get back to... .xyz"


Sorry to bust a bubble here... .but she could have given it to a blind kid that was passing by your house, that hand't eaten in 2 days... .that was in a broken wheel chair... .and had a bad haircut...

She was trying to justify a boundary violation.

It's not so important that you convince her of that... .all that matters is you communicate it's not ok.

Stay away from this is less bad... .that is more good. 

However... .big picture:  It seems like an ok conversation was had.  I would stay away from making deals or mixing your actions and deals with hers. 

Talk about her throwing stuff out.  End conversation... .take 30 min break. Come back to separate conversation about "Honey... I'm interested in your thoughts about how I can better express affection to you... ."

In other words... you being "more loving" and her throwing stuff out... .not on the same playing field... .  Don't convince her of that... .just don't play with those issues on the same field.  She can if she wants... .your absence from the game will communicate a lot.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PeteWitsend, I'm sorry to hear that you've been bullied by your W to the point that you need a secret storage facility for your family items.  I've been in your shoes, friend, and went through similar charades in order to keep things under the radar from my BPDxW.  I sent important papers to my Brother for safekeeping.  I disliked pretending but, like you, lacked other realistic alternatives.  Of course it's a boundary violation, as DB77 suggests, yet I found that boundaries have their limitations.

What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim