SS had a knife to his wrist

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So... .We have issues with SS.  A brief background for those who haven't read previous posts... .
SS17 with uBPD mom has primary residence with us.  SS17 has ADHD inattentive and PTSD from trauma from uBPD mom.  He lives with SO and I and my daughter (21)  We've been a family for seven years now.  The challenges with SS are pretty surreal some days but in general I think we cope okay.

I make very few demands on SS, I don't actually even ask him to do chores or anything around the house.  I leave that up to SO... .the one thing I do insist on is that when dinner is served, we ALL go and eat together.  Perhaps it sounds silly to some, but my reasons for this are:
1.  It's really the only time in the day that we spend together as a family.
2.  I put a lot of effort into cooking a square meal every night and would appreciate it if it were eaten hot.
3.  It really, really is the ONLY time that we can sit quietly together as a family!

Anyway, this seems to be a huge issue for SS17.  When we ask him he says he has no issue, but in the past 7 years, I reckon he's managed to eat dinner with us as a family around once a month... .and that's been because we've nagged him. 

So, last night, I serve dinner, we call SS, everyone except SS comes to the table... .we wait around 10 minutes, calling every now and again... .and eventually, we start eating without him.  He finally came through as we all finished eating and he BLEW his top!

He was furious, screamed at all of us, took his dad on... .they went into the room to "Talk", two hours later it was STILL raging on.  It got quiet, SO left SS's room.  SS went to go and shower and the next thing I knew, SO had walked into SS's room and SS had a knife to his wrist.  (A blunt pen-knife... .but nonetheless)

SS often threatens suicide, or says things like we'd be better off without him etc etc.  We were up all night with SS... .making sure nothing could happen and we've called the therapist for an emergency consult.

My thing now is... .I'm so damned ANGRY!

Really, I'm absolutely furious!  I know I should be trying to feel empathy and all that crap.   But HONESTLY!  Whenever he doesn't get his way we get emotional blackmail, or suicide threats, and when those don't work he'll go on and on at his dad about how myself and my daughter make him feel like an outsider, that we hate him and we'd rather he were dead... .you know... .all that rubbish!

I'm soo tired of trying to validate this kids feelings, and I'm soo tired of feeling GUILTY when I'm unable to. 

I didn't sleep last night at all so I'm possibly being over emotional... .but although I am a little bit worried he might follow through on his suicide threat, I'm also almost convinced it's a blackmail tactic and I'm so bloody tired of it!

How the hell do you get through this without resenting the living daylights out of the kid?

Also... .is this FLEAS?  Is his behaviour FLEAS?  or is he maybe also BPD? I wish I knew what to think!

 

[Stepmom2Matt]

So... .We have issues with SS.  A brief background for those who haven't read previous posts... .
SS17 with uBPD mom has primary residence with us.  SS17 has ADHD inattentive and PTSD from trauma from uBPD mom.  He lives with SO and I and my daughter (21)  We've been a family for seven years now.  The challenges with SS are pretty surreal some days but in general I think we cope okay.

I make very few demands on SS, I don't actually even ask him to do chores or anything around the house.  I leave that up to SO... .the one thing I do insist on is that when dinner is served, we ALL go and eat together.  Perhaps it sounds silly to some, but my reasons for this are:
1.  It's really the only time in the day that we spend together as a family.
2.  I put a lot of effort into cooking a square meal every night and would appreciate it if it were eaten hot.
3.  It really, really is the ONLY time that we can sit quietly together as a family!

Anyway, this seems to be a huge issue for SS17.  When we ask him he says he has no issue, but in the past 7 years, I reckon he's managed to eat dinner with us as a family around once a month... .and that's been because we've nagged him. 

So, last night, I serve dinner, we call SS, everyone except SS comes to the table... .we wait around 10 minutes, calling every now and again... .and eventually, we start eating without him.  He finally came through as we all finished eating and he BLEW his top!

He was furious, screamed at all of us, took his dad on... .they went into the room to "Talk", two hours later it was STILL raging on.  It got quiet, SO left SS's room.  SS went to go and shower and the next thing I knew, SO had walked into SS's room and SS had a knife to his wrist.  (A blunt pen-knife... .but nonetheless)

SS often threatens suicide, or says things like we'd be better off without him etc etc.  We were up all night with SS... .making sure nothing could happen and we've called the therapist for an emergency consult.

My thing now is... .I'm so damned ANGRY!

Really, I'm absolutely furious!  I know I should be trying to feel empathy and all that crap.   But HONESTLY!  Whenever he doesn't get his way we get emotional blackmail, or suicide threats, and when those don't work he'll go on and on at his dad about how myself and my daughter make him feel like an outsider, that we hate him and we'd rather he were dead... .you know... .all that rubbish!

I'm soo tired of trying to validate this kids feelings, and I'm soo tired of feeling GUILTY when I'm unable to. 

I didn't sleep last night at all so I'm possibly being over emotional... .but although I am a little bit worried he might follow through on his suicide threat, I'm also almost convinced it's a blackmail tactic and I'm so bloody tired of it!

How the hell do you get through this without resenting the living daylights out of the kid?

Also... .is this FLEAS?  Is his behaviour FLEAS?  or is he maybe also BPD? I wish I knew what to think!

 

[Panda39]

Hi Stepmom2Matt,

I'm so sorry you all had to go through that!   

I can tell you what my SO did whenever his uBPDxw made suicide threats and that was to tell her he was going to call the police.  Sometimes that was enough to get her to de-escalate and other times he called the police.

Calling the police put the situation in the hands of professionals and would get her to the hospital where more professionals could get involved and help.  Eventually, she learned what the reaction/consequences would be to suicide threats... .police/hospitalization.  This did lessen their frequency.

Below is a discussion regarding suicide ideation in others that might help... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

I also wanted to say that I totally understand your frustration and exhaustion this is a lot of drama and a lot of work! Good choice to come here and vent    If this were me it would create a lot of mixed feelings... .caring and wanting to help to being tired of the drama and just wanting peace to being angry at DH and SS... .Hang in there! 

We can't diagnose your SS only his therapist can but whether he is BPD or not I think that many of the tools here would be worth trying, you might see some improvement in communication if you try using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) for example.

Below are a couple of links to more on SET... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

Even though we don't know if your SS has BPD you still might want to check out the "Parenting" Board and see what the folks over there are doing in terms of their kids that might help you.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Stepmom2Matt]

Thanks for your post Panda, I wish I could tell you that I've calmed down since I wrote my post, unfortunately I'm still very angry.

SS is with his therapist as we speak, I'm hoping the T will call us in to discuss... .as I actually don't know where to go from here.  I feel lost and I feel like I'm held to ransom by SS's tantrums and suicide threats.

I wish we could call the police, or even a hospital when he threatens, unfortunately, I live in Africa where things like this are just ignored.  Police too busy with other things to deal with this type of issue.  They'd just laugh at us if we called!  Hospitalisation is also not really an option as generally suicidal patients have to be sent in by their psychologists... .hospitals here don't regard this type of thing as an emergency.  We have to rely on our therapist.  (SS doesn't understand why we keep sending him to the therapist as he says, "I don't know why I must go to the Therapist when it's you guys that have the problem!"

Sigh... .I have to go and fetch him now.  Wish us luck... .I'll dredge up some empathy or something on the way there... .I hope!

Here's hoping all of you have a positive day today!   

[Stepmom2Matt]

Just an update.

The Therapist did call us in last night.  We were told that there needs to be a Time-Out signal.  ie:  a hand-gesture or a Safe word that can be used when things are escalating.  SO needs to stop being reactive... .and all of us can make use of the time-out at any time.

in other words, if I can see that SS and SO are spiralling, I can use the time-out for them.  (They sometimes get so lost in fighting each other that neither of them can see that they're losing control)  ... .if I feel that SS is losing it with me... .I can call time out and if SS is feeling overwhelmed, he can use time-out.

This makes sense to me in some ways, but not in others.  What if SS starts using time-out as a cop-out?  Copping out is his super-power!

T says that the suicide threats and pretend follow-through the other night were definitely to gain attention and it's for sure his favourite bait for his dad.   SO panics completely when SS threatens. (I guess I would too... .but I can sort of FEEL that it's baloney when SS does it)  I would hate to mistake it as baloney one day and due to his impulsivity, he does something that does end his life though... .and I know stuff like that can happen!

ANYWAY!  I digress! 

Therapist says that SS is slowly starting to feel the effects of years of trauma inflicted on him by his uBPD mother.  It's like opening Pandora's box... .little things are triggering memories of abuse by uBPD mom, and they are sort of coming through in flashes and waves.
Him missing out on supper the other day made him panic because he knew that I would be upset, he's used to his uBPD mom getting upset and having massive blow-back from it so he was sort of anticipating that kind of blow-back from me, and tried to avert that crises by creating one of his own.  (Strange... .if he had come to dinner when called he wouldn't have had to worry - and I would never be abusive with him about it!)
T says that SS will make every effort to attend supper when called from now on and that he doesn't think SS will be triggered by this particular thing again.

I'm happy to say I'm feeling warmer towards SS again after chatting to T... .I sometimes need to be reminded that SS is dealing with stuff that I just have no concept of!  I wish it were easy to empathise all the time, but having had a beautiful childhood, and never having drama like this while raising my own kid, dealing with SS is an uphill battle and it's very hard work.  It's easy to get frustrated and focus on SS's wrong-doing and forget where he is coming from.  I'm working on it though... .I promise!
My daughter is still very, very angry with SS, she feels that he's hi-jacked our happiness (Mine, my SO and hers) with his demanding nature and his constant fighting.  She's going to see SS's Therapist tomorrow in order for her to express herself and for the T to try and give her some insight into what is actually going on in SS's head and heart.

I'm rambling like mad here... .so much going through my mind!  This probably makes absolutely no sense... .but writing it down is helping me organise things in my head a little.  Basically, I can see some light at the end of this particular tunnel, and although I know there are many dark tunnels up ahead... .we're almost through this one... .and that's a victory all on it's own!

Raising a step-son with all of these emotional issues is hard, it's sometimes desperate and there are so many things that a step-parent has to deal with.  And when you're right in the thick of it, it's very difficult to imagine carrying on day after day, week after week, year after year with all this DRAMA in your life.  But then things calm down, you get your little coping mechanism back and you're ready to face another day, week, month... .

Cheers to all the step-parents on here!  You guys are HERO'S!

[Panda39]

The Therapist did call us in last night.  We were told that there needs to be a Time-Out signal.  ie:  a hand-gesture or a Safe word that can be used when things are escalating.  SO needs to stop being reactive... .and all of us can make use of the time-out at any time.

in other words, if I can see that SS and SO are spiralling, I can use the time-out for them.  (They sometimes get so lost in fighting each other that neither of them can see that they're losing control)  ... .if I feel that SS is losing it with me... .I can call time out and if SS is feeling overwhelmed, he can use time-out.

I like this glad his Therapist was able to give you a tool to try.  I like the idea of catching things before they escalate to yesterday's level.

This makes sense to me in some ways, but not in others.  What if SS starts using time-out as a cop-out?  Copping out is his super-power!

Did you ask the Therapist about this?  Maybe just wait and see if you start seeing this then ask the Therapist for some strategies here.

T says that the suicide threats and pretend follow-through the other night were definitely to gain attention and it's for sure his favourite bait for his dad.   SO panics completely when SS threatens. (I guess I would too... .but I can sort of FEEL that it's baloney when SS does it)  I would hate to mistake it as baloney one day and due to his impulsivity, he does something that does end his life though... .and I know stuff like that can happen!

Do your SO and his son ever do therapy together?  It seems like they could learns some healthier ways of interacting particularly when stressed.  Do they just do the same dance over and over again?  I know in my own life I can see my son and I doing this sometimes... .we have roles and we play them, sometimes it's like ground hogs day, he does x I do y = same result and then wash, rinse, repeat.

Therapist says that SS is slowly starting to feel the effects of years of trauma inflicted on him by his uBPD mother.  It's like opening Pandora's box... .little things are triggering memories of abuse by uBPD mom, and they are sort of coming through in flashes and waves.
Him missing out on supper the other day made him panic because he knew that I would be upset, he's used to his uBPD mom getting upset and having massive blow-back from it so he was sort of anticipating that kind of blow-back from me, and tried to avert that crises by creating one of his own. 

I really identified with this in terms of my SO's younger daughter she has also been diagnosed with PTSD and has a deathly fear of anyone getting (her perception of) angry.  She is currently in therapy and over time seems to manage other peoples anger or conflict better but still has some way to go.  I worry about her subjugating her own feelings to avoid making others "angry", in other words I worry that she could become a doormat.  Her dad does a lot of coaching with her in terms of conflict situations with her peers.  I'm sure we have some self-esteem issues here as well. 

Strange... .if he had come to dinner when called he wouldn't have had to worry - and I would never be abusive with him about it!)

Of course you wouldn't do this.  His reaction was based on his experience and his ability to cope.  In a way it had nothing to do with you at all... .it was his own perceptions.

My daughter is still very, very angry with SS, she feels that he's hi-jacked our happiness (Mine, my SO and hers) with his demanding nature and his constant fighting.  She's going to see SS's Therapist tomorrow in order for her to express herself and for the T to try and give her some insight into what is actually going on in SS's head and heart.

I think this is a good idea.  She can get her feelings out and get a better understanding of her SBro.

Basically, I can see some light at the end of this particular tunnel, and although I know there are many dark tunnels up ahead... .we're almost through this one... .and that's a victory all on it's own!

         

Hang in there... .keep doing what you're doing... .I think these guys and kids really need us!  Someone without all the trauma and drama, someone who in a sense is outside of things that can see situations from another perspective, and someone who can love them through what they have to work out.

Panda39

[Stepmom2Matt]

Hi Panda,

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement.  I would like to respond to you in detail, but today is not a good day.

There was more fall-out last night.  I'm just so tired and feel I need to walk away from this for a little while.

Be well.

[Panda39]

No Worries, we can talk another time... .go recharge your batteries.

Take care,
Panda39