i feel so lost

[justbreathe1994]

I have 2 children. One 22 and the other 18. They have both grown up together and in the same household. Their father has been pretty " non existent" in their upbringing. It was an abusive relationship and when I decided to leave him he emotionally clung to my eldest child every which way he could to try to get me to take him back. After about 6 mos, and a suicide attempt by him on fathers day, he began a new relationship with someone, began hanging out with his friends constantly and no longer showed much interest in seeing our children. At 8 yo. my eldest daughter was molested by a close friend ( she finally confided in me when she was 10) over the years she has tried more than several times to have an ongoing relationship with her father ( which has caused many issues anytime she would try to bring up how she felt to him- he literally flipped out on her calling her "dramatic" anytime she made mention of wanting a closer relationship with his side of the family ) now we are on year 2 of him having almost zero contact/communication at all with either of my daughters.
My eldest has shown signs of Borderline personality disorder here and there over the last several years but I always put the blaim on PTSD/Depression/Anxiety, which were the things that the counselors ( in her teen age years) said she dealt with. I took her to a hospital about 7 mos ago (during a bad breakdown) trying to get some help,answers, SOMETHING! The only thing we left there with was a prescription for Xanax for her anxiety. I finally heard the term BPD said by the first doc that saw ( as another possible issue) her that day and I researched it. Since then things have gotten better, then worse, then better, an endless cycle. A daily roller coaster. She is an empathetic, caring, intelligent girl but her emotions run so rampant. She refuses counseling because she did it during her teenage years and she says it was not affective, and she hated it, that she is strong enough to do this on her own. ( during that time she was misdiagnosed with bipolar- at 10 years old) She has done alot of research and tries so hard to self soothe ( meditation, yoga, reading, writing, drawing etc) but she refuses to consider therapy. She hasn't been able to stay at a job for a good length of time although she wants to work very badly. The daily struggle with my eldest in my household is now beginning to affect my other child. The 18 yr old is just about to graduate, has dealt with her fair share of depression in the teen years ( seems to run in my family/my grandmother, mother and myself have had depression diagnosis) my 18 year old is wanting to work full time to get out of the house and be on her own instead of continuing to study because some days she feels overwhelmed with her sisters struggles ( when issues are directed towards her) the 22 yo wants to feel closer to her little sister ( who is more reserved and holds her emotions in most times-which isnt necessarily better but she is starting to finally open up more and confide in me) 
The 18 yo absolutely loves her sister and looks up to her and wants to spend time with her but is also an 18 year old! who has friends and wants to hang out elsewhere. The 22 yo has told her that she is uncaring, and she doesnt feel the 18 yo loves her because she never wants to do anything with her (even if they had done things the day before together)
The last 2 years have been the toughest. My eldests anger, loneliness, outbursts, and vocal acknowledgement (by her) as to how she wished she hadnt been born or could go to sleep without waking up have increased.  She directs alot of it towards me, I can handle what needs to be done to help her ( i will be calling 911 if she makes another threat/comment about death-or not being here) . I am just so overwhelmed with... .How do I help one child, protect the other and keep my own sanity?
Im trying so hard but have no idea where to turn. The only other person that has seen things first hand is the 18 yr old. Her and i have communicated a bit more about things and that seems to help when the other is the target of the moment but this isnt healthy. I just dont know what else to do!
Felt the need to vent more than anything so I am thankful to be able to do that here!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there justbreathe1994

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you've found us. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and you've been through the mill and back again. Coping with BPD and mental health problems in our kids is not only exhausting it's devastating for all the family.

I dont know how much you've read up on BPD yourself but I encourage you to read as much as you can - Start Here at the top right hand side of this page. The more I learned the less I reacted, the calmer things got. My DS is 26 and returned home to us at 24 following a crisis and dx BPD. He has since been dx as GAD, depression and BPD traits.

I've got a younger son16. The 10 year gap has been very beneficial to me as Ive been able to protect him but there's no doubt he's been affected by his older brothers problems. We all deserve happiness don't we. Fortunately, because of being on this forum and learning new skills, we've found a way forwards for all of us.

My DS refused treatment and he also chooses to self medicate than take prescribed drugs. I understand your frustration with your daughter not seeking treatment at the moment. She sounds like she's very engaged and self aware so this is a big positive to her owning some of the responsibility for her well being.  

It's been 18 months since I joined the forum. My DS has made slow but steady progress and has his first therapy appointment next week. There is hope!

It's wonderful to hear that your younger daughter is opening up about her feelings and plans and she obviously trusts you. I can see what a worry it is for you to try and meet both of your girls needs.

Do you feel that your younger daughter should go to college instead of work?

When was the last time your older daughter worked?

Hugs to you

LP

[justbreathe1994]

Thanks so much for your message regarding my post lypop,
My 22 yo. just began a new job this morning. She has had several in the last 2 years and does try to maintain them but for one reason or another she either ends her employment or is let go. She has her own bills ( car payment, cell phone, car ins etc) that she has to pay and the stress of her not working when out of work is pretty bad not just for that reason, but for spending her days "alone" at home. She smokes weed daily and has been prescribed Xanax for her anxiety. She has suffered from Depression and Anxiety since as long as she can remember. I saw her have her first full blown panic attack when she was in 4th grade. So she has other things she has battled for a long time.
My heart aches so much not to be able to take all that she has been through, feels and is going through away from her.
My 18 yo has depression as well on and off and has taken to smoking as well. ( weed)
I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that they smoke. ( is it out of enjoyment or because they feel the need? ) I ask myself this a lot. I never smoked weed, I did smoke cigaretts for many years but never anything more.
The last bad episode at home ( about a week ago) my daughter made some comments about how she had tried to think up ways of ending things without pain earlier in the day because she was so alone. I don't have any place to turn to talk to anyone about these things ( professionally) around where I live. She refuses and I don't know where to look.
My 18 yo is about to graduate in 2 weeks and still is unsure about continuing school right now, going for a trade ( hair/cosmetology) or working full time. The last episode her sister had she sent me a text and told me she was moving out this summer so would likely work full time vs. school because she feels it would be better for her and her sisters relationship.
I don't want to let my youngest sacrifice her future because of the dynamics at home around her. Im so torn.
My 22 yo is aware there are problems and she puts the blaim on anxiety most often. BPD hasn't really been something she has admitted although she has told me she has done some research about it and ways to cope, relax when triggered. Not always is she able to handle it. this last job change ( the in between jobs) has been the worst. She is such an intelligent young woman, she is so well worded and could do so well at anything she tried to, if she didn't have these daily struggles that feel so intense to her.
I have a boy friend that I have been with for 7 years. We live in separate houses. My girls like him a lot and always have. He also has kids. 2 boys that live with him full time so our alone time is extremely limited right now. I haven't even felt that I could talk to him about all that happens in my home. I can speak to him about anything in the world but when it comes to this I just don't feel like I can at this time. He is aware that my daughter has emotional problems but has no idea to what degree I deal with things. His oldest son ( 17) has some emotional/personality/ocd issues so because of the extreme personalities of the children we have continued to live separately and will until they are a bit older and on their own I think. I feel so stretched some days trying to help and please everyone around me while trying to maintain a full and part time job, ( working 2 week stretches with 1 day off) to make ends meet. Im not one to whine or complain but sometimes I break down a bit and have to have a pity party for myself, sometimes its more of a depression mode and I sleep hours on end... .IT SUCKS! It sucks because I love my children both so much, it sucks because there is nothing I can do to change things, it sucks because I don't know how to help my daughter!  And I question almost daily if this is all my fault for not being a better mother, for not realizing things were wrong at times they obviously were because we are now at this point.
Im probably rambling, Im sorry... .
Thank you again for reaching out and responding to my post.

[Lollypop]

Hi justbreathe1994

it sucks because there is nothing I can do to change things, it sucks because I don't know how to help my daughter!  And I question almost daily if this is all my fault for not being a better mother, for not realizing things were wrong at times they obviously were because we are now at this point.

I felt exactly as you do. It does suck and life just isn't fair. Sometimes (a lot of times) we feel that we've got too much to deal with, stretched to the absolute limit. I understand and I'm really so very sorry you're having to deal with this.

You can't change your daughter but there is something that you can do to change your situation. You can change yourself and how you interact to more effectively support all of them. It starts with reading as much as you can about BPD - this made me understand my DS's difficulties and importantly his limitations. It helps me remain calm.

Your older daughter sounds very similar to my DS; intelligent, articulate, capable but he's so anxious, low self esteem and finds each day a battle. It's so hard to watch them suffer and be in pain.

You're not alone, there's many here who relate to what you're going through. They share their own experiences and they can provide guidance and practical advice.

I'm very glad to hear that your older daughter has a new job and has the responsibility of her own expenses.  My DS has worked out for himself that he's far better when he works.

How are you taking care of yourself? It sounds like you don't have any time for yourself.

Hugs

LP

[justbreathe1994]

Good afternoon Lollypop,
sorry for the delay in response. My daughter began a new job Monday and was let go via a cell call on her way home that same day. It was not a nice evening at our house, to say the least. She had another job offer and told the employer about it that morning, I think it made them mad she was considering something else ( meaning she wouldn't stay there- loss of time and money for them bc they wouldn't have someone permanent) it was a small business, they didn't do anything to explain the job and expected her to answer calls, do invoices and scheduling within the first hour of her being there. ( I honestly think they were throwing her to the wolves purposely to get her to quit right then and there, but she didn't, she stuck out the day and was expecting to return... .even though the boss told her she was " mind f#@king the position" because she asked a couple of times for instruction as to what she was supposed to do! She actually thought that despite her fending for herself that day that it was a good day. I don't think this would of been a healthy environment for her and honestly feel that them firing her was a blessing in disguise but she is behind in bills so it only triggered her... .
Fortunately, she was called for an even better, closer position elsewhere which she began today. I spoke to her at lunch and she sounded good, Im hoping this is a better situation for her and she is able to make a go of it. She is so much worse when not working but sometimes its hard to keep her at a job because of her daily struggles. So, fingers crossed!
I agree, it is soo hard to watch her suffer through the extreme emotions that she does.
My other child has been so affected by this. She told me last night that she is going to try her hardest to be out on her own by October. I feel so torn. I don't want her to feel she has to leave because I want her to save, and leave on a good foot vs. leaving not being prepared and struggling for her entire life because she cant ever get ahead. Her statement to me was that she would rather leave and work crappy jobs being happy than waking up to constant problems/arguments/issues in our home that make her feel so bad.
My heart is literally breaking for each of them.
Taking care of myself?  that is something that you are very accurate in your statement about. I have no time for myself. I try to make at least 2 Saturdays a month time for me and my boyfriend, no kids, just he and I enjoying the day but sometimes its a battle with my daughter because she is feeling so alone and empty.
I constantly worry while im out with him, and he has no clue what is going on in my mind because he doesn't know half of the issues that Im dealing with in my household.
I appreciate your responses and hope you are doing well.
This really is a consistent battle, and there are no winners.

[Lollypop]

Hi Justbreath1994

... .waking up to constant problems/arguments/issues in our home that make her feel so bad

I can see that this situation must feel quite unbearable for your younger daughter.  At 18 she may not have the patience or understanding and, as you said before, she wants to have a little distance from her older sister so she can have her own friends and life.  You said you're not too happy about your younger one moving out for this reason. I would feel exactly the same and I can see your dilemma. 

Fortunately, I have a gap of 10 years between mine and my younger son is only 16.  I have to say that when our lives have become seriously affected by my DS's behaviour (which happened recently) I spoke with my DS and explained we would not allow disruption of this kind (he was constantly arguing with his GF).  Since improving my communication and validation skills and focussing on my core relationship with my DS he now listens and I can reason with him.

Have you done any reading about BPD?  If so, have you found that this helped you in any way?  I realised how important a calm environment is and I no longer react to my DS and his problems or moaning.  I demonstrated the behaviours I wanted to see in my family and then they started to copy me (without them even realising it).

It seems to me that better boundaries and limits would help your home environment.

Is your older daughter aware that her younger sister is finding life so difficult at home and that she hopes to move out?

LP

 

[justbreathe1994]

I can sympathize with my youngest, which then makes me feel a bit guilty or like Im turning against my eldest. which I know im not but I cant help but feel this way.
My eldest knows that her sister wants to be out on her own but she hasn't been told how much the walking on eggshells in my home and outbursts have really affected her sister. It has been much worse over the last 2 years than ever before. She tells the 18 yo that she feels she doesn't care about her, that she is selfish, that she doesn't think of anyone but herself etc. and some of that is true to a point bc she is 18 and trying to find herself in life but the elder sis can get pretty nasty and hurtful towards her when she is upset. I have tried to step up and explain to the 18 yo not to take it personally ( but how can she not?) she has always looked up to her sister, loves her and would do anything for her.
I cant say that I have been perfect at keeping calm during times of crisis. I have been very guilty of contributing to the issue when it comes to losing my cool. Never physical but I have played into the hollering/crying at times over the last few years. Not because I wanted to but because I truly didn't know what I was dealing with and well, there isn't any excuse for it. I was not right in those situations at all and I see that now. I have been reading a little online and am trying to look at things much more calmly but it is a work in progress. Im trying even harder because I see now how badly its affected the youngest as well. I haven't been fair to her because I haven't always handled things in a calm way, as I should.
the worst times for me have been when my 22 yo has expressed not wanting to wake up when she goes to sleep, and wishing she had never been born. etc. she hasn't acted on anything but the thought alone scares the hell out of me and I know she knows it.

my youngest has had troubles of her own with depression, cutting in the past and I do worry for her so much... .no less than I worry for the 22 yo. 

[Lollypop]

Hi Just breathe1994

I have been very guilty of contributing to the issue when it comes to losing my cool

Oh me too! I was at my very worst between 19 and 22 and it seriously affected our family life; we were all just so miserable trying to put on a brave face. I think we all have to go through this to understand that the only thing that's left for us to do is change our approach.

Sadly, there are no quick fixes but there is definitely hope. It's baby steps. I encourage you to start reading about BPD (take a look at the top right hand side of this page). Try not to get overwhelmed as there's a lot to take in.

While I did this I chose to lighten up, light as a fairy with a smile on my face, I changed the tone in the house. I never spoke about anything serious, when my DS spoke to me I just listened mostly and tried to practice validation. Slowly, he warmed and started to respond to this new atmosphere. I tried to make every small conversation count as we passed each other by in the kitchen.

The analogy I was given were flowers. Some people are weeds and can sprout up anywhere.  Others are a delicate orchid that need nurturing in perfect conditions (to feel loved, to feel understood, to feel safe (safe enough to make mistakes without judgment)).

Demonstrating to both of them: all those behaviours you want to see in them. My reading and learning showed me (and being on this forum) helped me understand to speak in short sentences, listen, really listen, validate, validate and then more cherry validation on top.  Show them that you understand how they are feeling BUT that you're not reacting/judging/upset by it.

We are here to help you on this journey. With new knowledge and a toolkit of skills you can alter the environment at home. To parent in a more effective way, assertive when needed but loving at the same time.

Baby steps. You're not on your own.

LP