so enough is FINALLY enough

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So enough is finally enough!

I think I have finally reached that point where for my own health, emotional and physical, I need to let the relationship go; let her go.

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years, she categorically has undiagnosed BPD. I have spent 8 years reassuring her, adhering to her rules, jumping through hoops all in a bid to show her I am a good person, that I am not going to leave her, that she is important. I am exhausted.

Last week, I travelled home from London, 3 hours each way, for 3 days in a row just so she wouldn't feel anxious and alone in the evenings. On my final night, I arrived home late, it had been a long day and I was exhausted. She proceeded to shred me and accuse me of being with someone else (I have never ever cheated on her and never would). She knew where I was as I had communicated with her. She told me she felt so alone and all the time she was yelling and screaming at me I was just listening and seeing in her eyes the inner turmoil and I have realised that I will never be able to change her opinion of me and that we will never have a healthy relationship.

Two more situations last week that have made me realise this are that she will never ever want anything to do with my family again because they are all painted black and I have been cut off from them for years. After the London attack recently, my 1st thoughts turned to him and his wife (they live close to the area that the attack happened). Now, I have not spoken to him in 2 years because of a small misdemeanour on his part that upset my partner but was blown out of proportion. Anyway, I sat her down and said effectively, ''Look, I know it causes you anxiety, but I want to sort things out with my brother, these attacks in London have made me realise that I don't want to hear he is dead and our last words were in anger. It has been 2 years, I have your back and if you feel you need to tell him how you feel fine, but lets sort it out together so we can move forward rather than hold on to this resentment'' She lost the plot and said, it's me or him and I can't cope with him in my life and then accused me of not defending her and not being a ''real man'' one of her common put downs.

On top of this, we had an agreement  that I would not speak to my dad unless she was around as she likes to know what's going on and being said. This has lead to me ignoring calls every week from my dad (he also texts her on occasion to see how she is and are we okay when I have not spoken to him for a while. I know this is all about control and I am embarrassed that I have allowed this to happen. Anyway, on Friday last week, he called to speak to my son,(11years) after his school sports day and rather than ignore his call because she was not there I thought, ''do you know what, this week I have come driven for 17 hours unnecessarily so that you don't feel insecure or alone, if my dad wants to speak with his grandson about school sports day, then he is going to'' so they did.

I told her that night and she went ballistic. She could not stand the fact that she was not there when he had called, the amount of control she feels she needs to wield is crazy in order to make her feel involved.

I can't do it anymore, I am a shell of a man. Very ironic that she says she needs a real man yet she has turned me in to this coward of a human that is totally reliant  upon her for my happiness. She has now stonewalled me and says that if I contact her she will call the police. I am thinking I should use this as my opportunity to start afresh and I do have so many other opportunities things she has stopped me from doing. I know this is the right thing but I am so conflicted because I want to help her, I want to help her see that all this anger is really just stopping us from being happy. But she will never every see it. She is ill and if I stay in this I will die early I'm sure

[Justnotgood]

So enough is finally enough!

I think I have finally reached that point where for my own health, emotional and physical, I need to let the relationship go; let her go.

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years, she categorically has undiagnosed BPD. I have spent 8 years reassuring her, adhering to her rules, jumping through hoops all in a bid to show her I am a good person, that I am not going to leave her, that she is important. I am exhausted.

Last week, I travelled home from London, 3 hours each way, for 3 days in a row just so she wouldn't feel anxious and alone in the evenings. On my final night, I arrived home late, it had been a long day and I was exhausted. She proceeded to shred me and accuse me of being with someone else (I have never ever cheated on her and never would). She knew where I was as I had communicated with her. She told me she felt so alone and all the time she was yelling and screaming at me I was just listening and seeing in her eyes the inner turmoil and I have realised that I will never be able to change her opinion of me and that we will never have a healthy relationship.

Two more situations last week that have made me realise this are that she will never ever want anything to do with my family again because they are all painted black and I have been cut off from them for years. After the London attack recently, my 1st thoughts turned to him and his wife (they live close to the area that the attack happened). Now, I have not spoken to him in 2 years because of a small misdemeanour on his part that upset my partner but was blown out of proportion. Anyway, I sat her down and said effectively, ''Look, I know it causes you anxiety, but I want to sort things out with my brother, these attacks in London have made me realise that I don't want to hear he is dead and our last words were in anger. It has been 2 years, I have your back and if you feel you need to tell him how you feel fine, but lets sort it out together so we can move forward rather than hold on to this resentment'' She lost the plot and said, it's me or him and I can't cope with him in my life and then accused me of not defending her and not being a ''real man'' one of her common put downs.

On top of this, we had an agreement  that I would not speak to my dad unless she was around as she likes to know what's going on and being said. This has lead to me ignoring calls every week from my dad (he also texts her on occasion to see how she is and are we okay when I have not spoken to him for a while. I know this is all about control and I am embarrassed that I have allowed this to happen. Anyway, on Friday last week, he called to speak to my son,(11years) after his school sports day and rather than ignore his call because she was not there I thought, ''do you know what, this week I have come driven for 17 hours unnecessarily so that you don't feel insecure or alone, if my dad wants to speak with his grandson about school sports day, then he is going to'' so they did.

I told her that night and she went ballistic. She could not stand the fact that she was not there when he had called, the amount of control she feels she needs to wield is crazy in order to make her feel involved.

I can't do it anymore, I am a shell of a man. Very ironic that she says she needs a real man yet she has turned me in to this coward of a human that is totally reliant  upon her for my happiness. She has now stonewalled me and says that if I contact her she will call the police. I am thinking I should use this as my opportunity to start afresh and I do have so many other opportunities things she has stopped me from doing. I know this is the right thing but I am so conflicted because I want to help her, I want to help her see that all this anger is really just stopping us from being happy. But she will never every see it. She is ill and if I stay in this I will die early I'm sure

[Lucky Jim]

She has now stonewalled me and says that if I contact her she will call the police.

Hey Justnotgood, This seems pretty direct and unambiguous on her part.  Why are you ruminating about it?  Yes, you need to let go if you don't want to hear from the police.  Yet you seem reluctant to do so.  Why is that?  Is there something blocking you?  If she does have BPD, I predict that one day you will be grateful to have moved on.

LuckyJim

[Justnotgood]

Hi Lucky Jim,

You are right of course. I have just been here so many times before. Knowing that it is the right thing to let go yet being drawn to her like she is my drug.

I know I need to let it go. I feel very angry at her for having no self awareness and for thinking I am a horrible person. If only people actually knew what she was like and how she treated me. They would be horrified.

I am letting it go now and moving on, for my health and sanity.

Thanks for responding

[Lucky Jim]

I know I need to let it go. I feel very angry at her for having no self awareness and for thinking I am a horrible person. If only people actually knew what she was like and how she treated me. They would be horrified.

I agree with you, JNG.  Only those who have been in a BPD r/s really know what it's like on the inside.  Others, as you note, would be horrified.  Her perceptions and/or opinions of you are out of your control, so I suggest you let them go, too.  Consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.  Suggest you put your energy where your power is by treating yourself with care and compassion as you move on.

LJ

[RealizationBPD]

Justnotgood,

I empathize with your plight.  I have been where you are for years, but I have let the relationship go for approx. 6 months now.  Based on what you described, she will never be happy with anything you do for her, the goal post will always change.  When I met my wife she nagged because she didn't see me enough (she saw me four days a week.), so I let her move in. After that, she wanted a house that we owned together, I gave her that. Then we weren't committed enough, so she nagged and even ran away more or less, so I married her.  I helped pay her child support for the child she abandoned. I even helped pay legal fees acquired in trying to get that child back. I helped pay thousands of dollars to get her sober in rehab. I stayed with her for 4 years of push/pull breakups and even two affairs. I took her on travels all over this country. I encouraged her to go to college when she wasn't sure about herself.  I supported her through all the depression she went through. I could go on.  Toward the end, she told me many times that she didn't feel like I loved her.  That was right before she went out and f&%ked her third guy during our marriage and has now ran off with this blind chump.

She has now stonewalled me and says that if I contact her she will call the police.

 

My wife and I were separated.  I called her regularly and would stop by her apartment every 2-3 wks.  She never minded. One day I showed up and she treated me like a stranger, freaked out and threatened to call the cops. About a month later, I had reason to believe things changed, I showed up at her apartment, to same avail.  I caught her out with her new bf and she did call the cops, they did nothing because no crime was committed.  It seems that many on this forum have reported that same sort of behavior.  I believe BPD's can be so shallow and so focused (idealizing) on their new relationship, that the old relationship is an obstruction to this fantasy and the only way they can cope is to get the police involved, as this will instantly terminate the relationship. They don't have to deal with it.

made me realise this are that she will never ever want anything to do with my family again because they are all painted black and I have been cut off from them for years.

 When I hear this, I think of one word. Boundaries?  We have all let our BPD cross boundaries, but learning when to apply boundaries is part of our own flaws that we need to learn to cope with. and explore why we had poor boundaries.  Blood is thicker than water as the saying goes.  I would suggest that is one boundary she is not allowed to cross.  Anyone who loves you would want to know your family and want you to have a healthy relationship with your family. Having learned about BPD, I believe my father's wife (step-mother) was also a pwBPD (apple doesn't fall far from the tree).  He had horrible boundaries with her.  She constantly did whatever she could do to create conflict between us in an attempt to separate us, usually resulting in her being clearly dis-respectful in a drunken tirade. We wouldn't talk for two or three months, then we would start to hang out, but that wouldn't last but a couple of months before she reeked havoc again.  She was even so sick, she was jealous of the dog and refused to come back after moving out unless he got rid of the dog that he loved.  He put the dog down!  That was about the last 10 years of my fathers life before he died of cancer.  I would say I lost probably almost half of that time due to her.  You're right in thinking that life is short and how you want to leave your loved ones.  Just a couple of things to think about.  Best wishes.

[Justnotgood]

RealizationBPD,

Thank you for your support, it sounds like you have been through it too!

I am trying to move on now, I can see that I have so much going for me in my life but because I have spent the last 9 years in constant state of uneasiness, constantly reassuring her and making her feel loved, like trying to fill a black hole an endless void, I have almost forgotten how to be myself.

I believe that Borderlines break away and stonewall when they realise they are losing control and that is what last week was. Me coming to her and basically calling her out on her crap and saying that I want to find a way with her to get through things that cause her anxiety. She will just repeat this cycle over and over.

I thought about giving her a final parting gift of telling her she has BPD and to get help but this will fall on deaf ears and wont help us now anyway!

I just need to rebuild now for myself and my son.