Does this ever get easier?

[SpinsC]

Both of us have undiagnosed cPTSD. He tends towards Fight and I tend towards Freeze/Fawn. He's loud, I'm more inside my head. I do think that, because of his childhood AND his marriage, that his cPTSD has melded into BPD. But, I stay aware that I am no professional and even professionals misdiagnose cPTSD as BPD.

There we are. Probably should have never been married in the first place. We're over a dozen years in with a 9yo son. His now adult children from the first marriage lived with him/us as primary custodians. The DSS24 still lives with us.

I'm reading, learning, trying, practicing what I preach, failing miserably, confusing the mess out of my husband and son, getting little validation and a lot of blowback from husband.

I'm learning about boundaries and not sure at all that I can talk with my husband about this. When I discuss what I need in the relationship, he thinks I'm about to leave, acts like I'm about to leave, showers me with loving attention until he's pretty sure I've recommitted to staying. Then, it's back to him at the center of the family. His rules are the only valid ones, his ways the best.

He's prone to mocking my preferences, and blowing past my boundaries - the few I have tried to put out there. It doesn't help that I'm only learning how to be consistent, or to voice my values at all. We're both trying to stop the fighting, but both can be triggered pretty easily. When he's tired of the fight, he can get pretty verbally brutal, slinging the one or two comments that he knows crush me. Sometimes, instead of defending the boundary about being treated with respect, I blow it completely and fire back.

Instead of having boundaries, he has lots of rules. He won't follow through on the consequences, because most of his stated consequences involve leaving and ending the marriage. He doesn't want to do that. So, he expresses his frustration for me 'breaking the rules' through verbal anger. The rule could be as trivial as not pulling something out of the freezer for dinner the next night (somehow became a rule) and as real as not telling him I was short on cash and bouncing a check (separate accounts, hasn't happened in years, though still brought up). Still, if I fail in performing within the guidelines, I'm threatened with divorce.

This happened enough I was willing and even seeking that divorce. Truth is, that's the last thing he wants. Today, I'm not so sure about my own wants.

We try to talk things through and sometimes we do even make a little progress, at least for a while. Then, we both slide right back into our ruts. And we hate those ruts. And we take landing back in them out on each other more often than we take responsibility on ourselves.

So, to the question at the title. Does this ever get any easier?

[Jim579]

Hi SpinsC,

I'm pretty new here and have been mostly reading so far.  But I saw that you hadn't received any replies yet.

I've been in my relationship for 15 years.  Ruts seemed to start forming maybe 5 years ago (she left the bedroom for the couch), became very bad about three years ago (she hid my wallet to prevent me from leaving; arguments never seemed to end until 2am or later--I'd have to leave the room and go to bed, even though she wanted to continue.  On and off periods of her continuing to talk at me from the other room, as I tried to get to sleep).

Things have been easier for small stretches of time.  Usually when she's actively taking part in her DBT therapy.  Sometimes she's been resistant and will skip her weekly sessions 2 or 3 consecutive times.  Difficulties often resume one or two weeks in. 

If we're out and about doing stuff--grocery trips, an occasional movie, going outside--the fears and tantrums are mostly kept at bay.  The car trip from house to point X is probably the time most prone to trouble, as I "can't get away," so that can be Issue Unloading Time, which can then spoil the purpose of the trip.  The more mandatory the trip (scheduled dinners, family get-togethers), the more severe the discussion/argument.  I don't think I'm especially averse to conflict, but yes, * these* deadly combos I'd rather avoid.

If I'm working (winter layoffs are common where I live), things veer towards the calm side, but can be upset if she feels I'm spending extra time at work.  Sometimes an extra 15-30 min. will be necessary.  Or grocery shopping on the way home might take up some time.

Space, cats and... .maybe BPDs abhor a vacuum?  If things are rocky, extended periods (4-6 hours) at home can make things worse:  long arguments, "tests" (if you loved me, you would... .).  If I fetch and carry for her during those stretches, however, peace usually exists.

The last three years have been the hardest.  She's about to resume DBT therapy after about 3 months off.  I hope this can be a relatively easy period, but I'm also questioning how much longer I can last.

Keep trying with your small boundaries. I know it isn't easy.

What occupies your and your husband's time--both separately and together?  Are there any patterns that you can detect?

[SpinsC]

Thank you for answering!

I'm sorry that you're going through some of these struggles, too. It sounds as if your wife is at least willing to see that therapy and DBT are helpful. That's encouraging, when she's attending.

The rut is that each week is just like last week, over and over, with little variation. I've gathered that he likes routine, I do to, for that matter! But, shaking it up is fine with me.

I tried to spell it out, but the bitterness I feel towards all this spilled out. That's not productive, so I erased it.

I've made suggestions to help break up the rut. He's made suggestions to break up the rut. Neither care for the suggestions of the other. Difference is, I try to be polite and not hurt his feelings with how I express my lack of caring.

Ok, bitterness rising to the surface again, I'm going to stop before it wins and I'm complaining instead of seeking real, workable solutions.