What goes up must come down

[WitzEndWife]

We had a really good streak going. It was almost a full week. H was being really nice to my parents, he was going to real estate classes, and doing homework upstairs in public spaces (instead of hiding downstairs in our room). Total Dr. Jekyll personality: productive, kind, caring, pleasant.

Then, yesterday, he apparently came home from class and went right downstairs, ignoring my parents. They sensed that something was not right.

When I finally came home, he emerged from the dungeon, and promptly turned his nose up at my mother's cooking, making a rude comment (things he only does when he's Mr. Hyde). Later, he came downstairs when I was in bed with the dog. The dog immediately started to get up (because she can sense when it's Mr. Hyde right away, and she doesn't want to be near him when he's like that). He forced the dog to stay on the bed with him, and proceeded to work on his computer to schedule his test. Then, he realized he'd made a mistake on the form, and auto correct had filled in his first name twice. He flipped out and started ranting. Everything he did was fraught with difficulty, his road was paved with nails, and he might as well not even try. Then the rant turned to my parents and the fact that they had the A/C on. He threatened to go outside and smash the A/C unit with a baseball bat.

I told him that he was scaring the dog, who kept running away from the room, but he kept chasing her and bringing her back onto the bed. I told him if he wanted to keep ranting, that I and the dog would go into the other room. He said, "Fine, get out of here then!" But then he stopped grumbling and calmed down.

I see the toll this takes on my parents, and on the dog, not to mention me, and I'm really weary of putting up with it. I feel like there's nothing in it for me. I feel like I'm being leached of my opportunity to live a peaceful, happy life. I'd like to get us back into counseling. H thinks it's a waste (of course). But I'd like to have a mediator, so that I can say what I really feel without there being a blow up or threats of suicide. I am not IN love with him anymore. I feel like I'm being forced into a maternalistic role against my will (taking care of finances, taking care of his emotions), which has killed all romantic feelings. I know that I can't keep pretending, and I keep hoping they'll come back if he actually makes an effort and starts working, but, now, I wonder if it's also the rage and the clingy-ness that is turning me off.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi WitzEndWife,

Then, yesterday, he apparently came home from class and went right downstairs, ignoring my parents. They sensed that something was not right.

I'm just wondering if something at school was stressful for H and triggered BPD symptoms?

[isilme]

I am not IN love with him anymore. I feel like I'm being forced into a maternalistic role against my will (taking care of finances, taking care of his emotions), which has killed all romantic feelings. I know that I can't keep pretending, and I keep hoping they'll come back if he actually makes an effort and starts working, but, now, I wonder if it's also the rage and the clingy-ness that is turning me off.

Of course, it's turning you off.  You want a man to share your life, not an angry toddler who has a bad day and comes home and takes it out on the family.  You want to be his wife, not his mom.

That's said, even though you've been going through a lot for a long time, SOME progress has been made, and even though the outbursts are still happening, he HAS made SOME baby steps, like being in class, period.  He is going to need help to keep going and keep up with it.  He needs that accomplishment I think. 

The outbursts will always happen.  But they can be smaller, shorter, and fewer over time.  Once you guys are in your own place, a little settled, and he is able to have things more how he wants, SOME of this will improve.  But he will still get frustrated with things like auto-entered names - H ahs freaked out so many times over misentering his own passwords in the past I can't count.  He insisted one time our main PC had an "e" in the password.  I was like, it's based on a TV show - no "e" anywhere in it.  You've typed this for years, where did the "e" come from today?"  It really can be mind boggling to see the mess in their heads as they muddle through life.

You will likely always be the more responsible one.  But you will not always (hopefully) have to stand in as mommy.  I know that feeling sucks.  Pick and choose tasks that most days he can manage, and just accept what he can't as things you will have to do if this r/s continues.  If he comes home from class in a snit, it's a time to see if you can draw him out to talk about it, and let him see YOU are not the enemy.

[WitzEndWife]

This week has been better. He's actually really liking the classes, so that's good. He did some productive work on the new house. He's definitely in more of an "up" mood lately, despite several situations where I was SURE he'd lose it.

Yesterday I felt a tiny glimmer of attraction toward him when he was talking excitedly about his classes AND his plans about what he was going to do after his classes. So, maybe my attraction will return. We'll see what happens.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... .it is encouraging to see that you are finding yourself more attracted and interested when he gets back on good behavior. That means your side of this marriage still has a chance 

The only question is whether this is a permanent change, or just a swing back in the responsible, functional direction for him, and he will revert again?