Very confused

[Flow201]

Hi, I'm really not sure what to post here. Suddenly I've had a few weeks space and all I can think is " what the heck has been going on?" I don't know if I'm being dramatic, I know I'm fighting anxiety, I'm thinking I'm the one with issues, I'm really introspective about my failings as a functioning human being, as I've had them stuffed down my throat enough, and I'm doing all sorts of research to try and find some answers. As far as I know my partner of the past three years has not been diagnosed with BPD, but just by surfing the net I've just realised that I'm not alone with a roller coaster relationship. There's so much that I'd like to pour out, it seems to make sense and also no sense at all. It would take an age to put it here. I'm hoping to work on an abridged version and praying that somebody will tell me that I'm not going crazy.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Flow201, I completely relate to feeling crazy in the midst of a relationship with a person with BPD or suspected BPD. My ex wasn’t officially diagnosed, but fit the criteria and it’s been a godsend finding BPD Family. I hope it will be for you too. Keep reading and when you’re ready tell us more of your story. You’re not going crazy and you aren’t alone. Welcome to BPD Family 

[Flow201]

Thank you , larmoyant

He's speaking to me via email as I write this and I can feel my heart pumping. Maybe I'm wrong making assumptions about his behavior, but there is something and I don't know what it is. My head is yelling at me, and I listen for a little while. Then when all is quiet the heart takes over.  Thank you for your supportive message. I think I could write a small book with the thoughts that are whizzing through my head at the moment.

[Larmoyant]

Hi again Flow, if your heart starts pumping like this when you hear from him then you’re not making wrong assumptions. Mine used to do the same. It got so bad I thought I’d end up having a heart attack. I completely understand the battle between your head and your heart. It takes a while for your head to win. It might help if you write out your thoughts either here or in a journal. It has helped me so much and slowly, but surely I worked it all out. I’m glad you found us.

[Lalathegreat]

I was exactly where you are just a few months ago. I remember sitting in front of the computer filled with so much emotion that I didn't even know where to start. Confused - that what I felt to be true was constantly turned on its head. Exhausted from trying to figure out how to change the way I was doing things. Sad that I was failing my partner and relationship. Angry that he didn't seem to be pulling his weight but not quite able to fully realize that emotion. Relieved to have discovered BPD and to know that maybe (just maybe) I wasn't going crazy!

I think most of us will relate to what you are saying - you are not alone. I look forward to learning more about you and your story. The resources I found on this site and the amazing support I received from other board members has made all the difference in my journey. I wish the same for you.

Lala

[Flow201]

Thank you Lalathegreat for your supportive message. Its very much needed at the moment. It all came to a head at the end of April, and with limited contact, I found i had space to think. I've had constant text messages for the whole of our relationship, and this in itself is a strange sort of withdrawal.That's when I started looking for answers, and I've ended here. I'm frightened, very muddled up and upset, as this man has been telling me he loves me for three years, but there has been strange darker moments dotted throughout, and lots of insecurity.  The first two years were reasonably happy but  I realise now I've ignored BIG red flags. The last year has been stressful for him on a personal level and the relationship has started to suffer. Whereas this time last year I felt quite happy with a kind, generous man that couldn't do enough to help me,  I was now becoming hurt and resentful, and creating distance. He was getting passive aggressive, unreliable, and had said some pretty cruel things that left me reeling. Even though I've told him how much they hurt, he has continued to say them. It culminated in me cutting off contact except via email. He's so hurtful, how could you say these things to somebody you say you love? Could anybody advise is it ok to start talking about my story here?

[coworkerfriend]

Flow - you are not alone.  We have all lived stories and situations that are so similar it is scary.  I found this place in 2012 and I can't tell you how much it has helped me.  I am still struggling - at a point where I don't know what to do.

Please share as much as you feel comfortable with.  It was really hard for me to open up and write down my thoughts.  But I have no one to talk to in real life who understands and I don't know what I would do without the kind words and support that I have found here.  My pwBPD can look in my eyes and tells me he feels nothing - he knows what hurts me and what triggers me and won't stop himself from saying those things.  He can look in my eyes and tell me how completely and deeply he loves me.  I hope you know you are not crazy. 

[Flow201]

Its like the nastiness has become more pronounced as he realises I'm trying to leave. I've had almost two months of feeling terrible, guilty, incredibly disloyal for writing here, and so concerned for him. But the worst is I can't sleep as I'm analysing or overanalysing, I have such a panicky feeling, and I am dwelling on my faults. He tells me I'm cold, self centred, unfeeling, don't think of anybody else but myself, I've used him for money, I'm a terrible mother, and I now feel so bad about myself. Then I get apologies saying how sorry he is, how dreadful he feels, how he regrets the things he has said to me. For me to just give him a chance to show me he is a good person ( I believe he basically is) and to prove how much he loves me. I was not long out of a divorce from a long marriage when we met, three years ago. He came on very strong. Initially I wasn't interested and not ready for a relationship, but he never gave up. He was the complete opposite to  my ex husband, and I thought it would do me good to give him a chance and to try to engage with a different type of person. He was kind, funny, generous, and nice to be with. He showered me with gifts and flowers. I was right up there on a pedestal. I always kept the brakes on, and told him to slow down. But we had the most fun. Eventually we changed from tv buddies to a relationship. Probably took about two to three months looking back. He was very insecure, and I had to reassure him I wasn't a cheating type. He had a number of previous relationships that he had been cheated on, and I thought this was contributing to his insecurity. That, and the fact I was sent text messages constantly, hundreds, all day long, were the  down sides. The rest of the time we were having fun, I was relishing the affection and attention. It had been a long time since I'd had any. He seemed patient, sweet, nothing was too much trouble. I still very much appreciate how much he helped both me and my daughters.

The first time I realised something was amiss, was when he came to my house one evening while I was working at my computer. I told him I'd be busy, but he wanted to visit and he said he was happy to wait for me to finish my work. After a period of time i could hear him pacing up and down the room. i went in to see him to chat, and he seemed in a dark mood. He was angry that I hadn't kissed him when he arrived. He accused me of not wanting him to be there. He made me cry. The minute I cried he was so sorry. I explained I'd just been busy, and it seemed a big reaction to such a small error. My ex husband used to shout so it was a sensitive time for me.

For the most part things were happy, but a bit intense. I still have messages where he has said the nicest things to me. I was always telling him it was infatuation, too soon for anything deeper. He would get frustrated that he assumed I didn't believe him. He was also getting moody if for some reason i couldn't see him. That I was doing something else. Or if I wasn't holding his hand. That was irritating. I don't respond well to passive aggressive behaviour, and mostly he would get over it. He doesn't seem to bother with anybody else socially, but he had lost two good friends to cancer the previous year, so i put it down to this. Although he did visit other friends on one occasion who told him he was being selfish to get frustrated when I couldn't be with him all the time. Over the course of our relationship all that got easier. I like to spend time with my family and friends, and he gradually relaxed with that.


A few months in we went to a restaurant for my birthday. He seemed to get into a dark mood, and complained that I looked bored with him. We left there early and the evening was spoiled by a stupid argument where he said he should throw himself in the sea, that he was terrible, "a waste of space" I think he described himself as. But we made friends again.

We had two similar moods/situations in a restaurant on holiday later that year. The first time he was quiet and I said I needed somebody to talk to. It was a flirty thing to say, I was referring to him. He took it the wrong way, said I didn't want to speak to him and half an hour later he was apologising in the hotel room. The second incident we had a perfect table for two set out in the sea, where to this day I still don't know what went wrong. We paid and left early with me in tears. I wonder if he thought I was looking at the waiter... .but I'm still in the dark. He couldn't have been sorrier.

All these things are coming back to me, the more space i have to remember them. We went for a short break before the Christmas holiday. Things couldn't have been nicer. It had been a busy tiring day and we had a lovely time. I was starting to fall asleep when i saw him looking at me with the darkest look on his face. He accused me of not wanting to be with him. We argued but its all a blurred memory now, and I can't remember the details. It was not nice at all. I just know that night in bed he clung onto me all night, and begged me like a child not to finish us. It was absolutely heartbreaking to hear him fret like this. At one point he mentioned there were sharp knives in the kitchen. I was torn between terror, pity, and stubborness that i was being manipulated. It was one of the strangest unsettling nights I've ever had. The argument blew up and settled down on and off all day the following  day. Our break was ruined. I was convinced he was depressed. I found him in tears at home a few days later and persuaded him to get some counselling. He was given anti depressants, and the counsellor told him she thought he had PTSD of abandonment issues. I had no clue about this, but it seemed to sum up his insecurities, due to his father dying young when he was a small child. He seemed happier, and I hoped he would soon be much better. Christmas was wonderful. It looked like things were improving, until a lovely night out was spoiled by him having some ridiculous spat with my closest friend in a restaurant. It was silly I can't rightly remember what it was over. I was embarassed, upset, and was ready to let him go there and then. But as usual, he was desperately sorry, and not wanting to spoil any more of the evening, I tried to put it behind us. He apologised to my friend who to this day is convinced that he felt threatened by her.

As I'm typing this, I'm shocked at just how much has happened that I have let go. But its important for me to remember that wrapped around all this were really happy times. This was the first eight/nine months of our relationship. I'm not sure if typing this is helping me to process things or scaring me, as I'm upset at present. I also feel sad, and disloyal writing it out to share. It feels cruel and unkind. But finally after three years I can see that something needs to be sorted out. I am racked with guilt and sadness. Its only the past month or so i've even been aware of BPD, and I am no way qualified to say that somebody has it.