Eerie feeling...gut instinct or just paranoid?

[Baf93]

I haven't heard anything other than a few cold sentences or seen my BPD fiancé in about a month. In the past 5 years we haven't gone this long without speaking or seeing each other. It seemed every time before he said he was done he still came back around to make sure I was still around waiting. This time's different. He's cold and wants nothing to do with me. Despite the distance, I can't help but feel a really odd, eerie feeling like he's still around.
He's become a master manipulator of my emotions. He knows me best. He's jealous, and cannot stand the thought of me moving on (until now it seems). During a break up in the past I tried to move on and started dating someone new. Even though he left me, he showed up at my house looking through windows and banging on doors when this other guy was over, which is really unlike him. He comes across as super smooth, calm and confident. To this day I've never heard the end of it. I've been hanging out with a guy that's like a brother to me lately. No romantic feelings whatsoever, he's been one of my best friends since I was little. My BPD(ex?) caught wind I was "seeing" someone, and at most made a short, dry comment about my "other guy". No showing up, no blowing up my phone. Just cool, collected and uncaring.
He's always one step ahead. Always seems to have a plan, some type of scheme. And he always seems to know more about me/what I'm doing than I tell him.
Since about two weeks after he left, I started feeling paranoid and a little scared. He's not violent, however this silence is very unnerving and unusual. He's sneaky, many times before I have found tracking apps on my phone, and found out he somehow logged into my iphone and was having all my texts sent to him. I've checked my phone a dozen times, I've found nothing.
Even though I have his set of keys for the apartment, I would not be surprised if he made another copy, especially if he knew he was leaving.
At night I feel odd, and I've even been almost asleep and thought I heard noises by the back door. My cats meow like crazy when he used to come home, and I've woken up to them going crazy in the middle of the night but when I go look no one's there.
Also, sometimes I think when I'm looking for something it's out of place or not how I left it. At this point I feel like I'm losing it and going crazy. I keep telling myself he clearly doesn't care about me at this point and wouldn't be sneaking around, but I really can't shake it.

Has anyone else experienced paranoia just as a result of the anxiety? I just know him so well and it's unlike him to remain so silent and drop off the face of the earth.

[SpinsC]

I hate the reality of that old phrase, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't 'out to get you.'

Still, there are proactive things you can do if you're ready to sleep peacefully.

You can take your phone to a service location and have them boost your phone's security, or at least do a thorough scan to ensure you're right about no tracking apps.

You can change your locks. Even if it's a rental - you'll need the landlord's permission. If you don't have locks you trust on your windows, you can always use broom handles to secure the windows shut until YOU want them open. Break them to size - it's a small investment for peace of mind. This also can work if you have sliding doors to a balcony. Zip ties do wonders for doors where the handles meet in the middle, like French doors.

You can install a security system. Preferably one with a silent alarm that notifies the police.

These can also be explained if/when he returns to the relationship. You were feeling unsettled. Being alone with him so far away, you did these things to feel safer without him around.

That is a tough situation and I don't envy you. I had a, maybe uNarc?, boyfriend who strung me along for years without commitment. He cheated, lied, broke off with me only to reappear after months expecting to pick up right where HE wanted. I took it for almost three years. I thought I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, though I wouldn't agree to marry him. But, I finally had to end it. It came to pass that I moved back in with my mother shortly after that breakup. He left me alone and stopped calling or showing up at my door after that.

No contact was all that worked for me to move on. These other suggestions are all I could think of so that you can keep your space now and also feel safer. Emotionally, I can only imagine the toll this is taking on you. If anything I suggested helps, I'm very glad.

[Baf93]

I don't know how to make sense of anything , and any rational thinking is out the window. While I feel weird and off, I miss him so badly too. I reached out to him last night and he actually responded in a decent way for the first time since he left. Normally when he discards, he plays mind games and strings me along intentionally. Last night he apologized for leaving the way he did, and that it hurt him badly knowing that he left at a time I need him the most. We lost a baby in February. I was 4 months pregnant and went into pre term labor and lost him. Ever since I've been in a constant downward spiral. He was there for me, he did everything in his power to help me. But the pain was so devastating he couldn't help me. Things had been steady and wonderful for 6 months. We had been together 5 years and he had greatly improved, despite the fact he is undiagnosed and has no idea what his "issue" is. We got engaged a month before he left. He started changing and going back to his old ways. I started having medical issues due to stress and grief. He blamed himself. I was in the hospital after having a seizure and he refused to answer his phone or come. Finally he texted me seemingly remorseful, saying it's his fault my health is failing and he's the reason why I've been sick. He left. When he was texting me last night he was being very mature and nice, saying neither of us were happy and he needed to leave, that he was killing me and he couldn't do it anymore. He's avoided me at all costs for a month. He said he needed to stay away because if he saw me or we spoke we would end up back together and he felt it wasn't in either of our best interest to be together and we needed to move on. When he first left I assumed it was the normal discard and he'd be coming back. Hes said MANY times throughout the years he was done. He's very predictable, and quite honestly he doesn't have any caring friends or family in his life. I'm his first serious relationship. I felt he was just going through a phase and there was no doubt he'd be coming home sooner or later. However he's never been this calm and mature, never went NC for this long and has never gone this long without seeing me. I can read him like a book but this is all new territory and I'm starting to believe this really is the end.

[SpinsC]

baf, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. That is all very hard.

What is it that you want? What do you think is best for you? Those may not be the same thing. Knowing can help sort out what you want to do next.

I know you said he has nobody really to turn to, no good friends, no family to speak of. How about you? Do you have family or friends you can turn to for support? It is possible to miss him deeply, with every fiber of your being, and still find the strength to make your life over again. That's real easy for me to say, much harder to do. With friends or some reliable source of support, it can be done.

I wish I had enough kind words of support and sympathy. You've been through so much. There is no easy answer to this and only you know what is best for you. Just know someone here has heard you. And that what you have to say matters.