Struggling with NC request

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a long day already, and it isn't even over.

Today is my step-son's 6th birthday. This kid is bright, hilarious, and I LOVE hanging out with him because he genuinely loves to learn and has a great memory for things he finds interesting. He has so many interests that it's always SO much fun to surprise him just for fun or find gifts for his birthday - anything with wheels, fossils, sharks, volcanoes, gemstones/rocks... .this kid is the absolute bomb and he's SO MUCH FUN to take new places and introduce new things. Was hoping to take him to Disneyland this summer, but that may not pan out.

What is killing me is that I am not able to be with him on his birthday this year. I've been with his dad since SS was 1 1/2, so basically since he can form memories. HwBPD is very high-functioning to everyone else around him, including the ex-wife and boss/coworkers/friends, even to some extent his son. I am currently being split black after a month of silent treatment and creating drama on my birthday (3rd year in a row... .starting to realize holidays, weekends, special occasions, etc., basically anything where the attention is not all on him, are triggers). Called him on the silent treatment and I was told we were separating. A week of him saying he wishes I would "just leave" and it became apparent that I was not, he informed me that he would be staying at an absent friend's house for one month. Cue to the end of that, and in addition to blame and rage-filled late night text messages, he calls me out of the blue to tell me he's signing a lease on an apartment and that I need to find roommate ASAP so I can afford to stay there.
He was very adamant about divorce in our joint therapy sessions, and even read me a letter stating the reasons I was the wrong fit for him, and how my "churchy upbringing" was the reason I didn't want a divorce and that it wasn't "1920 anymore" and a divorce was happening whether I liked it or not. In the middle of all this, we aren't THAT financially stable, have mild credit card debt, and he's just adding more and more financial stress on top of himself bc of days he's had to take off work to move and probably even just cope with the intense emotions he's probably feeling. Because of the blame, the name-calling, the projection, and my own difficulty in not playing into the negativity, I requested in joint therapy that we go NC for 30 days until we mention divorce again. This was originally met with rage and more blame and "I'd be happy to never see you AGAIN!" and "I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AND YOU'RE DRAGGING THIS OUT ON PURPOSE"... .you get the idea. In the end, despite my NC request, I received an apology email that stated I was right in requesting we take a month to "settle down before moving forward with anything legally." I didn't respond.

Anyways. All this to say that I'm upset that I do not get to give me SS his birthday present in person. I didn't get to make him a cake this year, and I don't get to watch him open presents or take him somewhere fun. I don't get to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him. And that is really hard for me to handle today.

 I thought about breaking the NC for today so that SS knows that I did not abandon him, but right now, I don't feel like that would be wise. What I'm having a hard time with is that it seems that HwBPD cannot see how his choices and actions are affecting this bright and wonderful little boy, and I don't get to be there today to be the stable and upbeat parent. It's breaking my heart. Even though there's no biological connection and his BM is very much present in his life, he's my little buddy, and we always had a special bond.

I'm struggling with anger towards his father for this predicament, and it's hard not to be bitter.

I don't understand how people can just take their kids along for the BPD ride. Ex-wife/biological mom also suffers from chronic depression and is constantly dating/living with people short-term and then breaking up with them... .I just don't understand how people can think they're being decent parents when it's very clear their crap is affecting every important area of their child's life. I know Little Buddy will be ok in the end, but it's been hard on me that I wasn't able to be there for him today, on his birthday.

[tennysongirl]

It's been a long day already, and it isn't even over.

Today is my step-son's 6th birthday. This kid is bright, hilarious, and I LOVE hanging out with him because he genuinely loves to learn and has a great memory for things he finds interesting. He has so many interests that it's always SO much fun to surprise him just for fun or find gifts for his birthday - anything with wheels, fossils, sharks, volcanoes, gemstones/rocks... .this kid is the absolute bomb and he's SO MUCH FUN to take new places and introduce new things. Was hoping to take him to Disneyland this summer, but that may not pan out.

What is killing me is that I am not able to be with him on his birthday this year. I've been with his dad since SS was 1 1/2, so basically since he can form memories. HwBPD is very high-functioning to everyone else around him, including the ex-wife and boss/coworkers/friends, even to some extent his son. I am currently being split black after a month of silent treatment and creating drama on my birthday (3rd year in a row... .starting to realize holidays, weekends, special occasions, etc., basically anything where the attention is not all on him, are triggers). Called him on the silent treatment and I was told we were separating. A week of him saying he wishes I would "just leave" and it became apparent that I was not, he informed me that he would be staying at an absent friend's house for one month. Cue to the end of that, and in addition to blame and rage-filled late night text messages, he calls me out of the blue to tell me he's signing a lease on an apartment and that I need to find roommate ASAP so I can afford to stay there.
He was very adamant about divorce in our joint therapy sessions, and even read me a letter stating the reasons I was the wrong fit for him, and how my "churchy upbringing" was the reason I didn't want a divorce and that it wasn't "1920 anymore" and a divorce was happening whether I liked it or not. In the middle of all this, we aren't THAT financially stable, have mild credit card debt, and he's just adding more and more financial stress on top of himself bc of days he's had to take off work to move and probably even just cope with the intense emotions he's probably feeling. Because of the blame, the name-calling, the projection, and my own difficulty in not playing into the negativity, I requested in joint therapy that we go NC for 30 days until we mention divorce again. This was originally met with rage and more blame and "I'd be happy to never see you AGAIN!" and "I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AND YOU'RE DRAGGING THIS OUT ON PURPOSE"... .you get the idea. In the end, despite my NC request, I received an apology email that stated I was right in requesting we take a month to "settle down before moving forward with anything legally." I didn't respond.

Anyways. All this to say that I'm upset that I do not get to give me SS his birthday present in person. I didn't get to make him a cake this year, and I don't get to watch him open presents or take him somewhere fun. I don't get to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him. And that is really hard for me to handle today.

 I thought about breaking the NC for today so that SS knows that I did not abandon him, but right now, I don't feel like that would be wise. What I'm having a hard time with is that it seems that HwBPD cannot see how his choices and actions are affecting this bright and wonderful little boy, and I don't get to be there today to be the stable and upbeat parent. It's breaking my heart. Even though there's no biological connection and his BM is very much present in his life, he's my little buddy, and we always had a special bond.

I'm struggling with anger towards his father for this predicament, and it's hard not to be bitter.

I don't understand how people can just take their kids along for the BPD ride. Ex-wife/biological mom also suffers from chronic depression and is constantly dating/living with people short-term and then breaking up with them... .I just don't understand how people can think they're being decent parents when it's very clear their crap is affecting every important area of their child's life. I know Little Buddy will be ok in the end, but it's been hard on me that I wasn't able to be there for him today, on his birthday.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey tennysongirl - this has got to be really hard and I really feel for you.

Not to get too deep into parenting and children issues, since this board is focused on the relationship between the adults, but I had a very similar feeling wash over me today. My uBPDw obviously loves our daughter, but even the slightest difficult feeling will trigger her to demand everyone's focus on her and her alone. I have hundreds of examples, as I'm sure you do too. This may be more of a narcissistic trait than a borderline trait, but they're so often co occurring it's hard to discern which is which.

How did the rest of the day play out? Did you maintain NC?

[anna58]

That sounds soo difficult. I am sorry you are in the position of having uphold NC in this heartbreaking situation, where you feel the loss of your step-son just because your ex requires you to be NC. That sucks.  You are so strong.

How are you doing today?

Anna

[Fie]

How about dropping a card in the letterbox, addressed to the son ? NC is not broken than because you would not be addressing the father...

[Lalathegreat]

I relate - the times that I struggle the most with NC are the times I miss his son who had become a huge part of my life over the last year. I find myself seeing things or hearing about things all the time and think "I can't wait to tell (son) about this!" and then my heart breaks as I remember that is no longer something that will be happening.

 

[tennysongirl]

thanks for the responses and kind words, everyone.

@DaddyBear77 - I maintained NC. Despite how I felt about missing the birthday, I still felt it would be best to uphold to the boundary that *I* enforced. It just sucks to think about this mess affecting this great kid, and whether it's accurate or not, I've always felt like the ONE (mostly) stable adult in his life. I have been wondering about the narcissistic tendencies, as it sure seems like birthdays, holidays, and large family gatherings are very triggering for him. There was only one year out of the past 4 when my birthday wasn't fraught with drama. whenever I mention having a bad week, it immediately gets flipped around on him and suddenly he's having the "worse" week.

@anna58 - I'm ok, thanks for asking! In addition to working through all of this and feeling the loss of my relationship with my SS, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I ended up, in many ways, marrying my father. They are obviously not the same people, but to be honest the walking on eggshells, the push-pull dynamic, and a lot of the verbal abuse feels the same. Took me this long to realize it . Sucks because I remember the husband I thought I was marrying, and he is really a wonderful person, and I still see those great aspects if him. It's almost like the man I married died and someone else is walking around in his body.

@Fie - that is a GREAT idea! However, I was not told where he was moving (and didn't ask when he called and literally said, "I'm signing a lease - better get a roommate. Bye" and other than a text asking for the address, I don't really know how to make sure he would get it. I assume it's in the area bc when I declined to move out this time around, he threw a fit about that house being close to his work, SS's school, SS's biological mom, etc, and I was a "selfish b***".  I'm sure he's already removed me from the list of people ok to pick SS up from school/summer care as well, so after-school activities without him being involved is out. Biological mom is not my biggest fan either, and I suspect if it's not currently SS, then he is most likely triangulating with her as she also tends to take the victim stance with everything that happens "to" her in her life. I've tried to reach out and ask to hang out with SS for a few hours after school in the past when HwBPD was splitting me black, and she basically told me go f*** myself.

@lalathegreat - I'm really sorry you have to deal with this too. any tips/or other thoughts?  this whole situation just feels like a waking nightmare, and I've started keeping SS's bedroom door shut bc now it's completely empty and it's really emotionally gutting to even walk by.

thanks for the kind words, everyone. just trying to pick up the pieces and work through my own stuff.

[Lalathegreat]

Oh hon, I wish that I knew how to get past this particular thing, but at the moment I'm still a very sad panda when it comes to the severed relationship with his son. I think about him all the time. I worry tremendously now that I'm not there to attempt to mitigate his father's erratic behaviors. I worry that he feels that I abandoned him. That last one gets me the most - it guts me to know that his father has probably told him that I chose to leave, or that he thinks I don't love him anymore. Ugh... .

I have had moments of desperate, unexplainable longing for pwBPD, but those are becoming less frequent as I constantly remind myself that I am no longer beholden to his emotional whims. I make lists of all the bad things, recalling arguments with as much detail as I can muster. But the kid... .there is nothing bad there to help with the "missing". He's an awesome little dude. He was my buddy. And now I just miss him.