Wife wBPD lost job today

[Michael43]

I learned that my wife w/BPD lost her job today.  It was due to too many absences from work and too many times the Ambulance had to be caused due to dissociation.  She was asked to resign so she could leave on her own accord & her supervisor said that would be the best thing for her health.  My wife is not angry at her employer, but she is mad at herself for her failure to control her behavior.

We are in the process of finalizing a separate maintenance decree to separate our finances only.  This gives me some financial protection. 

I am trying to be supportive of her, but I have made it clear that she needs to find another job.  I am trying to emphasize that things will be ok.  I myself went through a job loss a year ago and can empathize with her well.  Tomorrow we will come up with a plan of action for the new job search, filing for unemployment (if she can), our finances, etc.  She does not want to apply for Disability.

I have mixed feeling about this.  There is a part of me that says actions have consequences.  Personally, If I were her supervisor I would have fired her years ago.  She is in DBT but needs to put a better effort into applying her distress tolerance skills.  I have been trying to get her to find a different job that has less responsibilities for years.  In many ways this can be a blessing in disguise.  Personally I know being fired a year ago was one of the best things that could have happened for me--I am so much happier in my new job.

Do you think I should set some sort of deadline or boundary, such as saying she must find a job within a certain number of months?  Or that if she has to declare bankruptcy I will file for divorce?  We both are in agreement that she needs to find a new job.  Or should I wait to say any direct boundary like that.  Mathematically speaking we cannot afford to raise a child on a 1 person income.  Her behavior is threatening the economic stability of our family.

I am just looking for your thoughts and some support. 

[GaGrl]

She will probably respond better to your sitting with her to create a "project plan" for getting her next position -- rather than your setting a boundary.

Also, keep in mind that boundaries are for you, not her.  If you are trying to impose a limit or boundary on her, it's really an ultimatum.  If you need a boundary in your own mind, it needs to focus on what you will do should she NOT find a job in a certain timeframe.